STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

It is possible they envy your freewheelin' single status. I think the actions of your friends are intrusive and inapproriate.

Ouch! This sounds horrible! And I do have friends that avoid other married people because of similar problems. For what it's worth, I doubt your friends are jealous or being malicious. It sounds like they're just clueless. Have you tried just pretending you don't hear what you don't want to hear? I know that sounds silly, but it really works! My aunt used to use this one all the time - if someone asked how weight watchers was going, she would just say, "Hmmm, did I tell you I visited my mother last night..." or something else. It's random, but it gets the point across pretty quickly without confrontation with someone who's just going to insist that they're trying to be nice (like it's ever nice to act like you know better than someone else how she should be running her life).

I'm just saying that if they're not being nice to you, you dont' have to be nice to them. But why bother with a whole you-shouldn't-be-doing-this discussion. Then it's just you deciding how they should be acting, and the whole seesaw thing keeps going...

I thought of "smug marrieds" too!!

PS I am always a wee bit suspicious of people who strongly urge you to join in their bliss, whatever that "bliss" may be. Maybe I am cynical but I always feel it just may be so you too can feel their pain. And I don't think your friends are trying to be mean, I just don't think they realize how uncomfortable they are making you.


-- Edited by sage at 21:38, 2005-04-18

AJ, you do not need to take that crap and you need to stop taking it!  Tell them the next time they pull a stunt like that you do not want to be set up, you do not need to be set up and you are very happy with your life and being single.  I would take it one step further and say that if the behavior continues and they can not respect you that you do not need their friendship.  I had to do this with single friends that were constantly trying to get me to cheat on my bf.  Needless to say we are not friends anymore.

BTW, people in couples get that crap too.  Everyone is constantly asking my bf when he is going to marry me.  It annoys me because it is okay for me to bug him, but I'll be damned if someone else is going to butt into our relationship!

I definitely relate.  Sometimes I think it makes coupled people uncomfortable when others are single. 

Women I don't know very well that act like this I am convinced want me paired up so I don't go after their man.  Possessive chicks are always quick to point out the singles to you. People I do know well I think have good intentions (or maybe it would just be a relief to them if I had a BF), but a lot of people just don't know what it's like to be single after a certain age, and it's very different in one's late 20s into the 30s and 40s than it is in college, so don't give me your anecdotes about how "hard" it was last time you were single as a 20-year old (that is directed not at you, but the people who like to tell me about how they "understand" when they couldn't possibly).  Just try being 33 when everyone else is married.  I have had some setups where I was certain that the ONLY reason I was set up with said person was b/c we were both single - and one of these came from a close relative who should have known I would not be into the person they set me up with.  She was like, I just thought you'd think he was nice, I didn't expect you to date him.  WTF?  Yeah, I put myself through that to meet nice dorks I don't want to date - thanks.  I get this from married and from gays.  Gay people want to fix me up with any guy they know to be straight, and marrieds any guy they know to be single, even if he is totally not my type.  Then again, I am often horrified by what they think my type IS when we talk about it.  Oh - the other thing I hate is when they make decisions for me.  The refrain "Oh, he's not right for you."  Who asked?  If I am interested in someone and you know him, help me out, don't tell me who is right for me! 

Ooh - another shitty situation is the stealth setup: where you go out with friends and thhen realize that you're on a date you didn't agree to.  But you know, and he knows, and even though they'll never admit it, they're hoping you'd hit it off.  I have gotten into the habit of ducking plans I so much as suspect might be a stealth setup.  I cannot deal with that sort of ambush. 

In a like manner, I also get annoyed if I AM interested in someone they know and either they don't pick up on my interest or they know the guy will think I am a troll (or they think he is wrong for me) and don't have the heart to tell me.  I'd rather someone leveled with me rather than changing the subject when I mention that so-and-so is cute (and I am shy, so if I came out with that, I am interested).  Several years ago I had a huge crush on a guy and I am certain mutual friends must have known he wasn't into it, but nobody discouraged me.  This lead to a rather embarrassing drunken rebuff that I cringe over to this DAY. 

The combination of this sort of ambivalence (not following up or acknowledging my interest in someone they know) from some friends with the fact that others want to fix me up with anything single that moves just makes me feel like they don't take my situation seriously.  So now I am just shy about mentioning it to certain people at all.

Anyway, I guess the best thing to do is to keep it light - roll your eyes and laugh when they try this stuff.  And for close friends, I do think that one should remind or explain to them how you feel.  People often don't realize how it feels to be single in a world of couples - how one can feel sort of "different" and left out, and that it doesn't help when your situation is aired in public.  I am not here for the entertainment of marrieds, and neither are you.  What they perceive to be amusing (awful blind dates and other embarrassing or silly dating scenarios) can actually be really awkward and terrible - if I laugh about my dating experiences, it's often in an effort to make myself feel better.  People joke about things they find to be difficult or painful.  I don't need them laughing AT me or making light of a situation that is by no means easy or even all that much fun.  Don't get me wrong, I am not starved to be married or in a couple - much of the time I am really happy to be completely autonomous.  But life is hardly Sex and The City for us single girls, and I, for one, don't find dating to be as much fun as they remember it to be through their fog of nostalgia. And the older I get, the less lightly I take it. 

Anyway, now I've shared a vent of my own!  I totally sympathize.  All you can do is try to shrug it offf, or take them aside and tell them it's hurtful and embarrassing.  I think these couples are so often so caught up in their own thing that it's a shock to them to realize what they're doing is not fun or funny.        

-- Edited by dc at 12:53, 2005-04-19

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:14, 2006-01-29

Ugh I'm not looking forward to this, and knowing myself and boys, I will defintely not marry young.  I'm sorry AJ (and everyone), your situation sucks. 

Kind of off topic, but it reminds me of one thing that drives me crazy.  For some reason adults always seem to think that an appropriate line of questioning is, "How are you?  How's school?  Do you have a boyfriend?"  Excuse me?  It's just a bad question cause if I don't have one then I feel like a failure for having to admit it, and if I do have one I'm pretty private about stuff like that and I really don't want to talk to my mom's friend about my love life.  Anyways, sorry for hijacking.