STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

BellinaJessica · Kenneth Cole

RE: Falling apart (warning Long)

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Honestly, my first reaction was, "This woman has health problems." Going off on you without warning, and with fantastical accusations, is a warning signal for a number of diseases that strike in old age. Not necessarily alzheimers - even a hormone imbalance could be driving her to behave in ways that arent, "Her."

Having been divorced, though, I too was shocked to find out how much the approval of others was based on superficial meeting of other people's expectations. I didn't realize, until it was gone, that as a cute nice young woman who married and maintained a relationship, I just got credit for being a good person, and that disappeared when suddenly I was no longer with a man. It's unfair. It's difficult to believe it happens, but the way people who had been my friends turned on me, and the SUDDEN change in other people's perceptions, was just incredible.

Your mom may not know how to handle the divorce without processing it as, "A girl who can't hold on to her man is no good..." Maybe you violated her expectations of behavior by seeking your own happiness? (It sounds like your ex had problems you couldn't fix - but some older generations expect women to tolerate that). It's unfair and awful for you.

It does get better. If you want to maintain your relationship with your mother, I would just not answer her, and not discuss her accusations. At best, she is sick and doesn't mean what she says. At worst, she does mean it, but it's a symptom of her own problems in handling the world, and has nothing to do with you.

PS - I say go after his money with everything you have. You supported him and turned down opportunities to develop yourself. The contribution you made to the UNIT are often overlooked by the courts. Get enough to set yourself up for a new life. You deserve compensation for what you've done, and rehabilitation for what you now need to do. Do NOT give up what you are owed so you will look good to other people. They don't have to live your life. You do, and you need to be able to make up for the years you spent with him. Don't worry about how it looks. Get what you're owed.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 12:49, 2008-12-13

blink · Coach

Oh Collette, I feel like crying for you. I know that you must feel so forsaken!

A mother should offer support and love you unconditionally, even if you had done something wrong in your marriage. Which you didn't!!

Frankly, I am really weary of people making meaningless remarks like, "marriage is what you make of it" or "it takes two to tango" as if all the gray area is not a matter of degree, but rather a 50/50 split. Everyone is different, every relationship is different, sometimes it really is mostly one person's fault. I am tired of women being expected to heal every man and martyr themselves. Don't buy into it, trust your intuition and you will move on from the disapproving sentiments. Hopefully your mother will come around and empathize as she should, but the dynamic between the two of you sounds like it's going to be different from here on.

:::HUGS:::

stardust · Kenneth Cole

Wow. I'm so sorry for you and what you're going through. Like Blink said -I feel like crying for you- this on top of the stress and misery of divorce just seems cruel. You need support and you deserve it from your mother. I know everyone has suggested very good ideas on why your mother is feeling this way - but still the way she acted seems unacceptable and not healthy for you to be around at the moment. Maybe if she was prepared to listen and talk but since she isn't it seems like you're facing a brick wall.

I hope things change but her reaction is not your fault and it may not even be possible for you to change it right now. Just look after yourself as best you can - I'm so sorry. Lots of Hugs.

ico · Dooney & Bourke

Dizzy wrote:

Honestly, my first reaction was, "This woman has health problems." Going off on you without warning, and with fantastical accusations, is a warning signal for a number of diseases that strike in old age. Not necessarily alzheimers - even a hormone imbalance could be driving her to behave in ways that arent, "Her."

Having been divorced, though, I too was shocked to find out how much the approval of others was based on superficial meeting of other people's expectations. I didn't realize, until it was gone, that as a cute nice young woman who married and maintained a relationship, I just got credit for being a good person, and that disappeared when suddenly I was no longer with a man. It's unfair. It's difficult to believe it happens, but the way people who had been my friends turned on me, and the SUDDEN change in other people's perceptions, was just incredible.

Your mom may not know how to handle the divorce without processing it as, "A girl who can't hold on to her man is no good..." Maybe you violated her expectations of behavior by seeking your own happiness? (It sounds like your ex had problems you couldn't fix - but some older generations expect women to tolerate that). It's unfair and awful for you.

It does get better. If you want to maintain your relationship with your mother, I would just not answer her, and not discuss her accusations. At best, she is sick and doesn't mean what she says. At worst, she does mean it, but it's a symptom of her own problems in handling the world, and has nothing to do with you.

PS - I say go after his money with everything you have. You supported him and turned down opportunities to develop yourself. The contribution you made to the UNIT are often overlooked by the courts. Get enough to set yourself up for a new life. You deserve compensation for what you've done, and rehabilitation for what you now need to do. Do NOT give up what you are owed so you will look good to other people. They don't have to live your life. You do, and you need to be able to make up for the years you spent with him. Don't worry about how it looks. Get what you're owed.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 12:49, 2008-12-13

Couldn't tell things better!

Hugs, and much love, Collette...