STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Collette · Chanel

Falling apart (warning Long)

Hermes

Oh, boy.

First let me ask if you did everything in your power to work on your marriage, i.e. counseling, AA, etc. She may only see that you are ditching your marriage without trying very hard to save it. She is also losing a family member, and the situation is probably not understandable to her. I know you consider this guy your best friend, but cheating doesn't always manifest in the physical - there's emotional cheating as well. Just trying to help you see things from her point of view - I understand I may be way off.

Regardless, I would try to talk to her. Tell her you need her love and support more than ever right now. Let her know that you understand that she doesn't understand where you're coming from right now, but in time hope she will. I would go to Christmas. There's no reason to deprive the rest of your family of you and vice versa because you and your mother are having problems. If she is passive aggressive and not talking to your or whatever it is that she's doing, just ignore it and be your regular nice self to her that you would have been had your spat not occurred. Continue to live YOUR life and hope she comes around. Your choices may not be the choices she would have made, but she needs to respect you as an individual and be there for you regardless of whether she agrees with the direction you're taking or not.

Cricket · Gucci

I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now, Collette. They'll turn around and you'll be happy again. Hang in there.

D gives great advice. I think you should talk to your mom again. She'll come around. It may just take her a little time. Sorry I don't have better advice, but I want you to know that we're here fo you.

member · Hermes

Oh Collette, I'm so sorry sweetie. You already lost your husband and now you feel like you're losing your mother. I can't even imagine. From what you've told me offline, it sounds like you tried to do everything in your power to make it work with J and he was the one who didn't. Doesn't she see/understand that? It doesn't matter though, she needs to get over herself and be there for her daughter. It doesn't matter who left who, etc..it matters that you're feeling down and sad and she should be there. I'm so sorry. Can you still go to Christmas and just be pleasant w/her but keep your distance? I really think she owes you an apology. I'm not sure what's going through her head...maybe she's upset that you guys are getting divorced and doesn't know how to deal w/it? PM or email me anytime if you need to talk hon.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Oh honey! Big hugs!!! That sucks! A mom is suppose to love you unconditionally. And it stinks that this is all happening at the holidays. I hope everything works out. And I agree, I think you all need to talk again, possibly in person (then no one can hang up on anyone).

relrel · Marc Jacobs

It makes me wonder what your mom's view of marriage is. Is she a forever-no-matter-what type of woman? Because accusing you of cheating and suggesting that you were with your ex for the money sounds a bit off.

I think a lot of times, the type of anger that your mom seems to be feeling is displaced emotions. Possibly guilt because she didn't help you more to get through the marriage, or hurt because of something else or maybe even she recognizes something in you that she sees in herself?

The statement about you being in it for the money and just sign the papers sounds, well, irrational. Or at least irrational in the sense that anybody who knew you wouldn't even be thinking that so why would she say it? Was it said just to hurt you because she's hurting from some strange reason?

Moral of the story? I think that your mom is reacting to your divorce differently than you were expecting her too and maybe you need to figure out why that is.

Also, go to Christmas. You'll regret it it if you don't. The worst thing that will happen is that you and your mom get in an argument- which, given that before this you have a good relationship isn't really the worst thing ever. The best thing that could happen is that you have a great time and you and your mom work through some things.

Suasoria · Chanel

Something similar happened between one of my BFFs and her mother when my BFF got divorced. It was nasty, and they'd always had a really open and close relationship. Her mother basically told her she was a failure. (Uh, she's a college professor at an Ivy League school, whose definition of failure would that be?)

So I'm inclined to feel like this is somewhat normal, and a phase that will pass. As D said your mom is losing a son-in-law and I'm sure that's rough in its own way. Plus we're always most critical of the people closest to us, although I don't see why the things she brought up are any of her business whether they're true, false, or other.

I'd just play it by ear about what to do on Christmas. A lot can change in two weeks.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

((((((hugs)))))))

Escrime · Kate Spade

That sucks, Collette. :( You've gotten a lot of good advice so far, so I won't throw my two cents in, but I do think you should also see if you could do Christmas with your family...I think you would regret not going either.

(((hugs)))

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

I'm so sorry, Collette. I also think you should go to Christmas, don't miss out on being with the rest of your family because your mom is being the way she is. Just give her a few days and then try talking to her, in person.

NCshopper · Hermes

Lots of hugs to you right now. Like Suasoria said, play it by ear on Christmas. You don't need to decide if you're going now, so try not to worry about that today. Two weeks and this whole thing might blow over. Who knows.

Anyway, I know it's not the same as having a mom that's supportive and there for you, but we're all here for you, sending you good thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. And deep down underneath all the bullshit and weirdness, your mom wants the best for you too. The issue is figuring out why she's acting the way she is, but bottom line, she loves you and cares about you and you guys will get through bump in the road.

exsupahero · Kate Spade

no advice. just a {{hug}}

Kitty · Hermes

I am sorry! It must be horrible not being able to turn to the person you normally turn to in situations like this.

I agree with relrel in that this probably has something to do more with herself than with you...like things in your life are triggering her own issues and insecurities or whatever.

I hope you guys can work it out..maybe after she has some time to reflect on what she said/did she will come around.

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

Since I'm constantly over analyzing and reading too much into things I thought I would throw this out there-

Would your husband contact your mom and allude to the fact that you have been cheating and that you are now trying to take him for all of his money? Sometimes people react because of their own behavior. I know you mentioned that you were surprised he already had a girlfriend. In hindsight, do you think he may have been seeing her before you agreed to divorce?

alb · Marc Jacobs

Oh Collette - that totally sucks! I think your Mom is obviously grieving the loss of your marriage and a family member she must have once liked (as D pointed out), but she needs to put you before him b/c you are her daughter. She has no right to insult you like that; I think that mothers can be unusually harsh with their daughters sometimes (at least IMO). She probably has so idea how much she has hurt you. I think you should let her know, and then go to Christmas and try to put it behind you. When you do talk to her, try to be civil and level-headed and (I know this is hard) maybe even tell her that you apologize if you have done anything to upset her or if you have given her the wrong impression about your marriage or your intentions regarding the divorce. Once you have told her how she has made you feel, the ball will be in her court to apologize and try to make things better and you will hopefully feel relieved that you've done all that you can do. I wouldn't alienate yourself from the rest of the family though b/c of her (that would be just punishing yourself IMO). Hope it gets better Sweetie!

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh Collette - you've gotten some great advice. I agree with Relrel and considering fairlight's scenario. There's always at least 2 sides to every coin. There may be more angles to look at this situation than you even want to think about.

I've never been in your situation so I can't say I totally understand. However, I DO come from a VERY strained relationship with my father. Terribly difficult, to the point where I basically had to remove myself from as much family situations involving him as possible. With time I've come to try to forgive and forget and glad my dad is there for me in his own way. That's not to say HE changed. But rather, that I have come to accept him and his criticism, and to ignore him. When I stopped fighting back, our lives became more peaceful.

Parents (especially moms) tend to be very critical. And I agree, moms often get most upset at us when we daughters do or don't do something they wish they could have done.

Sorry this became so long. I just wanted to offer the support to not go to Christmas. It may be your happiness to see your nieces/nephews, but in looking ahead, you may end up having a terrible time and that's just a waste of your energy. Right now life seems to be scrutinized under a magnifying glass. Maybe seek out some friends or other family members for the holidays?

Or even take a soul searching trip on your own. [Under the Tuscan Sun comes to mind as an idea]. Live our life for yourself! Do what YOU want and what makes you happy! And when you can forgive your mom for the hurt she' caused, she may have come around as well. {{{{HUG}}}}}

Hermes

I agree with Vivi in that mothers often live vicariously through their daughters. I had break ups where my mother wasn't supportive even though it was a toxic relationship -- she viewed money and status as more valuable than a healthy relationship (she catered to how her boyfriend wanted things.) Like Vivi with her father, I learned to tune my mother out and quit fighting her. I learned there was no changing her mindset, and to just quit fighting her and just move away from subjects that pissed me off. Learning to bite my tongue and not argue with her reduced the stress in my life greatly.

Another factor to consider is many of her generation have less of a commitment to a romantic view of a relationship. A good provider is often good enough.

Collette · Chanel

Thanks for all the great advice guys. I do believe in some way my mother has lived vicariously through me. She was never more happy then when she found out I was marrying a wealthy man because we grew up so poor. Again, I also feel there is a bit of jealousy that I found the strength to get out where as she has stayed in an unhealthy and at times very abusive relatioship with my father.
My Dad did try to talk with her yesterday and see if she would be willing to sit down with me and actually talk and listen to what I have to say. Unfortunately she wants nothing to do with it. So I'm going to let it be until after the Holidays and then hopefully she will be willing to listen to be and believe what I say. If not. I don't know where we'll go from there.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I wanted to add - sometimes when we are at our lowest point is when we realize our greatest potential for self preservation and personal growth, I KNOW you will survive these hardships and I KNOW you will come out the other end a stronger woman. It is the journey there that can really suck, but just vent whenever you need to and let us hold your hand along the way ... :)

conet · BCBG

(((hugs)))