A girl at work just emailed me to say that a comment I made a couple of days ago offended her. To be exact, she wrote that it "...was not only insensitive, but hurtful [sic]." I immediately wrote back an apology saying I didn't know what I said could be perceived as insensitive or hurtful, and I was terribly sorry if I made her feel bad or uncomfortable. I also thanked her for letting me know about the situation.
Here's how it happened: Tuesday we were all (by all I mean a group of women at work I consider work friends) sitting in an office discussing when to eat the delicious cake one of the girls brought for a bday celebration. We were not working at the time because our offices were being re-carpeted, so we were displaced temporarily. The offended party asked what was in the cake or the cake container (or something similar) and I said - here it is - "your mama." I know it was stupid and dumb, and I was just being flippant and in no way intended to offend her mother, of course. It's not even a clever thing to say, which is kind of why I thought it was funny, but I suppose that's hardly the point. We were all just joking around and being loud and obnoxious (it really was a crazy atmosphere with all the carpet glue fumes, loud fans, workers running around, etc.). I was just being dumb and silly.
Now I'm mortified. And I resent having to apologize for something so obviously silly. One part of me is terribly sorry I caused offense, another part is mortified at having been chastised, and yet another part is irked that an obvious joke requires an apology (which I made quickly and readily).
Obviously I'll never, ever say that again at work, and I'm usually not that unprofessional. It's just that these were a group of women I consider friends and we were in a decidedly non-work like atmosphere, although physically in the building.
I don't know what response I want from you guys. I guess I'm just looking to vent. A) I should know better than to be that casual at work, but B) damn! it was just a stupid joke - not even a very good one. Maybe that's what she's mainly offended about? (joke - do I have to couch everything like this now??)
Boo. I want a no-calorie margarita and a big, comfy chair to lounge outside in right now. Work blows.
I think I can relate. Last weekend while visiting my brother-in-law's apartment, I said some rude things about his apartment, things along the line of it being nice for a bachelor pad, but it needing a woman's touch, etc. I didn't realize that he is quite proud of his apartment and took offense (rightly so) to my comments, even though I was just giving my BIL a hard time in an effort to be funny.
People have different frames of reference so even though a person might say something to another person with one intention, the person receiving the comment may take it a whole other way, and trying to explain yourself doesn't always work (I apologized, then tried to explain why I said those things, but my point/joke didn't really come across to him).
I had a really hard time that evening and for a couple of nights because I hate the thought that I could lose even an ounce of BIL's respect or have him think I am a mean spirited person. I wanted to send BIL a plant with an apology, but DH felt my initial apology and BIL's response of, "I've already forgotten it." to be enough, and thought I would be making a bigger deal out of it than it is, and I do agree. My point is, you just have to move on now. You said your apology, and decided you won't make those jokes in the future, and we'll never be able to control what others think or feel about us, so you just have to go on and be yourself and that's all.
Hopefully, you'll never hear about it again, it's not a big deal.
Y'all don't think it was offensive? I'd be much happier to chalk it up to hyper-sensitivity on her part than offensiveness on mine, that's for sure!
I already feel better, although I'm still not going over to her office area today. Or tomorrow.
ETA: this was in response to ILC and wicked's responses. I posted before I read Drew's. (I feel the uber-need to explain myself in everything I do now!!) Drew, I agree. I'm probably making it a bigger deal than it is. My world is infinitely bigger to me than anyone else.
She's not your friend. And writing you and NOT TELLING you what she was upset about says, to me, that she's looking for maximum drama and otherwise trying to jerk you around.
Maybe she feels threatened because you are funny and awesome. Maybe she doesn't like it when it seems like the joke is on her. And maybe you've been joking with her as the punchline and she has been holding back from telling you. But I don't think it matters. Because I dont' think she's seriously hurt. It sounds more like she's competing with you. And since you apologized, sincerely, and won't do it again, there's no real problem. Don't let her keep it going.
maybe she was having a rough day and wasn't in the mood for joking around? Maybe she honestly didn't get the joke and thought you were making fun of her? anyway, you've apologized and I think if you avoid her today and tomorrow it will blow over by Monday.
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"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - G. Radner
maybe her mother died when a huge cake fell on her and she was squashed? So that by saying the cake was her mama, she tought you were makign a creul joke about her mother actually being in the pan, under the cake....
I think she is being way too sensitive. I would have laughed. Maybe she is super insecure and is afraid that you guys talk badly about her behind her back and that there was more to it than a classic yo mamma joke. Maybe she thought you were somehow laughing at her.
maybe her mother died when a huge cake fell on her and she was squashed? So that by saying the cake was her mama, she tought you were makign a creul joke about her mother actually being in the pan, under the cake....
She's not your friend. And writing you and NOT TELLING you what she was upset about says, to me, that she's looking for maximum drama and otherwise trying to jerk you around.
DH says "your mama" to me all the time in response to things. We laugh about it. I can't even begin to conceive how this person was offended by that...???
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"Good taste shouldn't have to cost anything extra." - Mickey Drexler
how close are you to this co-worker? is she someone you consider a friend? if not, i would probably be offended that some random co worker just talked to me like that. if we dont get along like that i would be pissed. if it were my best friend, i could care less.
OMG, I started to crack up uncontrollably when I read the "your momma" thing. I don't know why, but it struck me as insanely funny...i guess that's because I never would have guessed that's what you said to offend her! too funny.
Uh, I don't think you were "rightfully slammed" at all. This girl is way too sensitive and obviously has no sense of humor. Who the hell hasn't heard of "your mamma" jokes? I think it speaks to your character that you apologized to her; I would have told her to lighten up or something to that effect. ;)
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"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It's so romantic. It's romance." - Pamela Anderson