STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

secret · Nine West

How to Get Past a Dysfunctional Childhood

Kelly · Hermes

I hope I'm not jumping the gun if I suggest therapy, probably without your BF.

I never really was one who was into therapy- I got that it worked for other people, but I didn't need any help with my life! Right?! Well... I went to a psychiatrist a couple times a few months ago to sort out my own problems, and he was immensely helpful. The reason I went is vastly different from yours, but I think the main principle still stands that I couldn't believe how much he helped me work through some stuff - my life is totally different after only seeing him twice! (but I'll probably go back for a few follow-up visits)

Anyway, maybe just meeting with someone once or twice could really help you work through some stuff and get ready for the next point in your life. I don't have any personal suggestions because my childhood was different than yours.

But good luck!

erin · Chanel

-- Edited by erin at 15:32, 2007-01-19

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

I grew up in a pretty similar environment. I think that it is a really good sign that you can see how that is affecting your current relationships and work to not repeat the pattern. There are times when I see myself doing something and I have to take a step back and say do I really want to be acting like this certian parent... and the answer is usually no. I think that being able to see the problem is huge, the next step is being willing to fix it, which it sounds like you are.

One of the main things for me was to forgive them. I really think I have let most of my issues go but it is really hard and I when I think I am done something else comes up to bring up some resentment. I am just trying to say that it is going to be a process, as you probably know. Just take care of yourself, and forgive as much as possible it has helped me a lot. Good luck.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

1) Therapy is a good idea. Not because, as many people think of therapy "You need to learn some skills." (Although that's good, but it comes later). But because you've spent your whole life without someone to nurture and love you in the way only parents can. And that's a huge loss.
2) Just tell the truth. Look at every situation and tll yourself the EXACT truth about it. "My parents yelled and shoved me." "I protected my younger sibling." "I never had someone to listent to me." "I'm scared that I wont' know how to havea real relationship." If you do this for just a little while. You'll soon realize that there's nothing really wrong with you. You know what's goign on. And you have some challenges that not everyone has. But it's ok.
I think you'll be fine. I'm sorry your childhood was hard. And I'm really happy that you're putting your life together so well.
Wait, I thought of something else that's really important. I had to learn to recognize the feelings that go with the things I do that are self-destructive. For example, when I overeat (it's really bad. Like a bulimic, but I don't throw up), I'm feeling anxious. When I zone out and watch t.v. for hours at a time and won't leave the house or get things done, I'm sad. When I start creating little problems and pseudo "emergencies" by being careless or just freaking out about things tht don't really matter, I'm angry. (Btw, I am not actually nuts. That's just how I handle these emotions). Anyway, once I was able to recognize how I felt, I was much more able to avoid those behaviors. Because I could just say, "I want to hit snooze for hte fourth time even though I have stuff to DO. That means I'm sad." And then somehow I dont' feel so frozen.
This helps a LOT with relationships, because instead of just reacting whenever to whatever, and dragging the people in my life with me, I have a handle on what I'm doing, and I can adjust, or at least tell them. "I'm really angry right now and it doesn't have anything to do with you. So just help me find the damn receipt or get out of the way. I'm sorry I'm not at my best right now." Instead of, "What the hell is wrong with you that you dont' understand how important this is?"
God. I really sound nuts. But I swear, just knowing how you feel when you're reacting to your feelings helps sooooooooooo much.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 01:35, 2007-01-20

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

Dizzy wrote:
Just tell the truth. Look at every situation and tll yourself the EXACT truth about it. "My parents yelled and shoved me." "I protected my younger sibling." "I never had someone to listent to me." "I'm scared that I wont' know how to havea real relationship." If you do this for just a little while. You'll soon realize that there's nothing really wrong with you. You know what's goign on. And you have some challenges that not everyone has. But it's ok.
I think you'll be fine.

This is so right. It sounds like you're already being very honest with yourself about the way your parents are and how you coped with it to survive. This is important -- you can only move on when you've looked at your past full in the face and said, "My future will be different."

And I concur with the recommendation of therapy. It helps to go through this process with a professional who has seen LOTS of patients with backgrounds similar to yours. In that way, you'll feel less alone and have confidence that you're working through these issues properly.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I can relate in so many ways. I had a f**cked up childhood to say the least. I used to rise above it and just put it in the past but after being in a serious relationship for a while, things started to come back to haunt me. I think being around my boyfriends family, having the intimacy, thinking of a future and having kids summonded up old feelings and fears and pain. I dealt with it in my own ways, mostly being depressed, not trusting anyone, feeling like I wasn't worth anything, crying for hours and hours, horrible dreams, bad drinking episodes, etc etc.

I started going to therapy and I read a few books, one was on how to forgive. I feel almost like a different person. My relationship with my mother is better, and I think my relationship with my boyfriend is better. I feel more capable and confident already. I think its a long process, maybe you will never get over these things but you can learn to think of it in a healthy way and break the cycle, make it a learning process.

Im posing a link to the book, maybe it could help you...

http://www.amazon.com/Forgive-Forget-Healing-Hurts-Deserve/dp/0060674318/sr=8-1/qid=1169327591/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-2457158-0632030?ie=UTF8&s=books

Suasoria · Chanel

I had the same experience as you and XtinaStyles in that as I grew deeper in intimacy with the man I ended up marrying, these issues came up in bigger ways, but at that point I was old enough to understand them - unlike in the past. I was scared to death of marriage, shellshocked at the differences between his family life and mine...all that.

I believe, though, that I'm the sum total of my experiences, including those dysfunctional childhood experiences, some of which are eerily similar to yours. Without those experiences I wouldn't be the person I am today...and I love who I am today. I hope you do too. People with experiences like ours are responsible, loyal, intuitive, decisive, and so on.

(New agey/Oprahspeak alert:) And on one level, you have to say "thank you, universe, for allowing me to have those challenging experiences to learn and grow into who I am today. I accept these lessons gratefully and I'm ready for new ones." Just like how the bad boyfriends teach you how to spot the good ones.

This matters, I think, because it's the opposite of blaming others for your problems. As a younger woman, my problem was that I hadn't yet learned what some of these experiences were supposed to teach me. Instead I blamed my parents...when I should have blamed myself, and fixed myself.

Things that helped me, in no particular order:

1. Opening up and being honest with my partner. So many of us with abusive pasts learn never to trust or get close to other people, ever. But your BF is not the person who hurt you as a kid, so you can trust him with your emotions, your stories, your life. Let him really know you. He's still going to love you. If there's anything he doesn't know about your past, tell him. If there's feelings you haven't discussed with him, tell him. (My husband learned that what he thinks is harmless clutter = chaos to me, because of the environment I grew up in. Now it makes complete sense to him. He doesn't clean up after himself, but at least he knows why I'm in a bad mood.) The way your BF can help is by being his loving, happiness-causing, lust-inspiring, private-joke sharing self. This is not to say he's never going to let you down, but when he does, it won't be like it was in the past, so don't worry so much about preventing it. He'll have new and unique ways of being disappointing and neglectful. Such as during the NBA playoffs.

2. Cutting out the people in my family I can't have a normal, baggageless relationship with. I don't think forgiveness is totally necessary; at least, they don't have to be told that you forgive them. Or you can hold forgiveness privately within your heart/head and not have to interact with them to express it. I also think that the excercise in gratitude above replaces forgiveness to a large extent in the moving-on department.

3. Using the understanding of what marriage and family looked like in the past to not have the same kind. That's easy to say but hard to do, since some of it comes from not just your parents' relationship but our understanding of male/female roles. There is baggage associated with being a "wife." It surprised me to find this out. It was hard to deal with at first, and I learned a lot in the first year of marriage from female friends who were married (and especially from one who was divorcing). My husband and I were together for six years before we got married, and nobody ever tells you marriage is different. Well, it is. There, I said it.

4. Deciding upfront not to have kids if you have any doubts about how well equipped you'd be as a parent. This is something my brother and I have both come to now that we're adults. We don't want to risk repeating the dysfunction we lived through. Psychologists say a family dysfunction shows itself through the next seven generations, so if your grandpa was molested as a boy, it impacted how he raised your parent, which impacts how you were raised, and so on, and only your great-great grandchildren will no longer be affected by that event. Seven might be extreme, but they make a good point. Obviously you and your BF will have other pros and cons to consider when it comes to having a family, like us, but in my case, this was one of them. (That, and going nine months without a cocktail. Eesh.)

I'm sure there are other lesser tips, but this is already long enough. Bottom line is I feel you and I was there too. It's all solvable - at least I operate under the belief that it is.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I grew up in a pretty unstable home as well. My father was an alcoholic and my mother didn't work so she couldn't make him leave: she needed him to pay the bills. I watched them fight and a lot and heard my father say some extremely horrible things to my mother that I will never forget. Furthermore, one of my younger brothers died from spinal meningitis when I was 4 and a few years later when I was 8 my older brother was murdered. We were on welfare for a long time and I went through some really tough times. When I look back at all of that I know that those experiences are what shaped the person that I am. The only way that I let it affect me now is by learning from the experience. Because of my father's alcoholism I have chosen to not be a big drinker (college doesn't count though

), because my mother was stuck in a bad situation with 5 kids that she couldn't leave I have made a conscious effort to always be able to take care of myself, because of their constant fighting I have become a person that doesn't yell, and refuses to speak to my BF if he yells at me. I will only have a conversation about a disagreement if it is in a normal tone of voice and we have rules that we never use hurtful language. When I met him he was a huge yeller and had a terrible temper. I just told him that I dealt with yelling and demeaning arguments my entire life and I would not tolerate it as an adult. Yelling is strictly prohibited in my house (unless we are yelling because we are super happy and something great happened).

I know it is difficult, but you are not your family. They do not define who you are or who you will become. Just do your best to not be those people.