STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kelly · Hermes

I have to tell my BF I might not be able to get pg (long)

littlebean · Kate Spade

This is such a hard thing to be going through -- I'm so sorry!

One of my closest friends has PCOS and her doctors have similarly told her that she may never be able to conceive, but that there's no way of knowing for sure until the time comes. It was a really hard and sad thing for her to find out.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are quite serious and have been together for a long time. I don't think you should be afraid to tell him about the news, although I would be nervous, too. I would be shocked and appalled if he wanted to leave you because of this and honestly if he did, then I'm not sure how great of a guy he is. None of us ever know for sure if we're really going to be able to have kids until we try -- for all you both know, he could be infertile! If you love someone and want to build a life together, you find ways to work things out.

Hang in there.

jacL · Coach

Wow, that is heavy and I am sorry you have to go through this. You are right though--you do have to tell him and let him make his own choice. I consider the children issue to be a deal-breaker, that a couple needs to discuss it and agree on a decision before making a lifelong commitment. After hearing you talk, he could decide that it is worthwhile risk to take as long as he has you--which, IMO, he should.

I am sending "courage" vibes your way. Good luck.

eta: Sorry, I also meant to say that this conversation will probably turn out better than you expected. There are no guaranties in life and I am sure he will appreciate you being honest with him.

-- Edited by jacL at 21:40, 2007-01-18

member · Hermes

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

ITA w/littlebean - it sounds like you and your BF are very serious about one another, so I'm assuming he must be a pretty great guy if you're with him. I'd be shocked if he didn't understand when you tell him the news. Like littlebean also said, no one knows for sure if they can have children until they try. There's always a chance someone (either female or male) can't have kids. I don't think you should be afraid to tell him. If he loves you, I would think he'd want to stay w/you no matter what. I understand that children are very important to some people, but there are other ways. If it turned out you couldn't get pregnant, there's other methods, such as adoption.

I know that I want children for sure, but if my boyfriend found out he couldn't give me children, I certainly would never leave him. I'd look for another way and consider adoption. I know that he's the most important thing to me in the world. I bet your boyfriend feels the same way about you.

Also, for what it's worth - it's not like you are telling him that you just don't want kids. I think that'd be a whole different story for someone who wants children. But this is a medical condition and something you can't help. There's also still a chance you can have children.

Good luck!

Sibeski · Dooney & Bourke

Ditto on what the other girls said! However, from what I've read Metformin is not helpful in increasing ovulation in women with PCOS. I'm going to post a few blurbs, if you want the full articles let me know and I can PM them to you. Chin up girl!

Should all these patients be on metformin?

Metformin does appear to benefit those women interested in fertility by increasing the frequency of ovulation. In patients not attempting pregnancy, metformin may be used as an adjuvant to exercise and changes in diet to improve metabolism. However, there is no data regarding the safety of long-term metformin use in women and clearly measurable endpoints are lacking. Contraception should be recommended to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

Women who desire pregnancy are first encouraged to lose weight. Following this, they can be given fertility pills such as clomiphene citrate (Clomid®). If Clomid® fails to successfully bring about ovulation, shots of gonadotropins may be tried.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

I agree with shopchicago... if you should turn out not to be able to conceive, that shouldn't stop the two of you from having a family together--there's several different things you could do. I don't think you should be worried about having to tell him this--if he can't handle the possibility that there might be problems, then he's not the guy you thought he was. Good luck sweetie!

blubirde · Chanel

Listen, there are no guarantees with anyone when it comes to having children. So yeah, it might be harder for you to conceive or you might have to pursue alternative paths to creating a family, but if you want it, no matter the maybes, you can do it.

I think you should definitely tell your BF your concerns because both of you need to be on the same page. But if you both are willing to accept that there are never any guarantees and you'll do whatever it takes when the time comes, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Hang in there, girl. I think you're a great girlfriend.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Just be honest. He obivously loves you and wants to be with you. And if you cant have kids , then maybe talk about him feelings on adoption. Adoption is such a wonderful thing to do -

Sorry to hear about your stressful situation!

Elle · Hermes

I agree with everything that's already been said - especially that he loves you and wants to be with you (hopefully) no matter what. And, that it's an entirely different situation that you possibly can't conceive instead of that you don't want to. This isn't a decision you're making - it's a health issue you had/have no control over.

I know quite a few people who have PCOS and went on to have healthy children. But getting pregnant for them was hardly a blissful, spontaneous time. There's medication, and timing, and doctors visits, and if that doesn't work even more medication and doctors visits and shots. Sometimes it takes many months. But in most cases it can be done, it just depends on how far you want to go and for how long. Most OB/GYNs don't have alot of experience with fertility treatment, so I wouldn't put too much stock in what your doc said about your chances of a successful pregnancy. A reproductive endocrinologist is who you'll want to talk to when you're ready to start trying - they help people just like you every single day.

I think the conversation will probably go alot better than you're expecting. IMO it's a really good thing that you have advanced warning that this could cause problems later on - you have ample time to talk about the different outcomes and make some sort of peace with them, and become familiar with your alternatives. If it's easier than you prepared yourself for, you'll be able to count your blessings with the knowledge that it could have turned out much differently. If it's as hard as you prepared yourself for, at least you'll have already hashed out the options you as a couple are comfortable with, and you'll not have to do that in the throes when emotions are running high and the need for a decision is more immediate.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

ITA with all the other girls' posts. I think as serious as you sound like you guys are - it won't be such a big problem. Plus there are so many more options for women these days as well as new advances in conceptions, a few years down the line there may be a whole new world of options in medicine and alternatives. Good Luck!

Kelly · Hermes

Thanks guys... its good to hear your votes of confidence! I tried to tell two friends about it a couple days ago, and they didn't say much - one said, "oh." and the other said, "now you guys can adopt a really cute asian baby." I don't know if they were just trying to downplay it so I didn't freak out, or what, but really it just disappointed me because I needed support or at least someone to listen!

I know he loves me, and I know that he's worried - when I met with this new doctor and went over to his apartment afterwards to hang out, we left the living room where all his roommates were hanging out and had me come into his bedroom to talk about what happened at the doctor. I know he's concerned about my health, but I also know he's concerned about my ability to have a baby, because he doesn't make such a big deal about asking me how it goes with any other doctors...and he especially doesn't usually leave the "guy parties" to talk about it right away! I know I have to talk to him about it more, but I'm just not looking forward to it and hadn't gathered my thoughts enough to go deep into it right after I got home from the doctor.

Thanks for listening! I'll let you guys know how it goes

-- Edited by ttara123 at 18:33, 2007-01-18

NCshopper · Hermes

ttara123 wrote:
So how do I sit him down and say, "hey darling, you know how you want kids? I have no idea if that can even happen for me. We won't know until we try. But heck, why don't you just stay with me and make a commitment to me anyway and we'll just see after you're bound to me for life?"

You know what, like blubirde said, there are no guarantees. Even if you didn't have PCOS, it's not guaranteed that you'd get pregnant anyway. I'm not sure if that makes you feel any better though.

I understand that you're dreading this conversation with him, but if he's a good guy, then he'll be okay with it. And if he's not okay with it, then that's really shitty. But you've been with him awhile now and you wouldn't be with him if he were a bad person. So I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Also, for what it's worth, try not to get ahead of yourself. I tend to do this quite often and it always leaves me feeling panicked. But try not to worry about whether or not you can get pregnant. Worry about that later. For now, worry about school and keeping up your general health, and then later worry about a wedding and then after that worry about getting pregnant. But to worry about all of that right now will just make you exhausted. One step at a time.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree with the other ladies. Your BF sounds like he is a supportive, loving person and I would be shocked if he decided to leave you over something like this. Health issues are part of life -- when you love someone, you take that as part of the deal -- it's not as if you're refusing to have kids. And as has been mentioned already, there are other options for having children besides carrying a baby yourself. Hang in there! Let us know what happens. Your BF is lucky to have you and I'm sure he knows that.

Kelly · Hermes

You all are so sweet!

Hopefully we'll see each other this weekend and will be able to talk about this...

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I've been trying to figure out what to say or what advice to give you all day but sadly I can't think of anything that hasn't been said already. I will say that usually I will stress out and thing the worst over things and it usually turns out to be nothing. I'm hoping this happens with you when you talk to your bf. You stressed and everything turns out ok.

Elle · Hermes

Have you ever been to http://www.soulcysters.net/ ? I'm sure you'd be able to find lots of support and ideas there, too ...

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I just want to wish you the best of luck when you tell your BF and when the day comes that you start trying to get preggers.

If it helps, I have a friend that was told by 2 doctors that she wouldn't be able to have children after she had cervical cancer and she has 3 kids now. Never say never!

Kelly · Hermes

Elle wrote:
Have you ever been to http://www.soulcysters.net/ ? I'm sure you'd be able to find lots of support and ideas there, too ...

Yes, I actually think someone on here mentioned SC to me, but I forget who...maybe you! I've been a member there since August or so, and the past day or two I've been poking around in the threads of people who are pregnant or trying to get that way(I usually skip those because I don't belong in either group at the moment!)... but for every time someone talks about how great something worked for them, someone else posts about how much it hurts not to have kids despite all their work... so that's still just keeping me in limbo

I talked to my mom about this, and she actually said that while she didn't have any major problems getting pregnant with me or my older brother, she had a horrible time with my younger brother and did a lot of fertility stuff and had a miscarriage or two before having my younger brother. My younger brother was actually a twin, but his twin miscarried after a couple months. I never knew she went through all of that - but I guess it's good in the respect that there will be someone who understands if I do have lots of problems!

-- Edited by ttara123 at 14:25, 2007-01-19

Kelly · Hermes

Farrah wrote:
I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I just want to wish you the best of luck when you tell your BF and when the day comes that you start trying to get preggers.
If it helps, I have a friend that was told by 2 doctors that she wouldn't be able to have children after she had cervical cancer and she has 3 kids now. Never say never!

thanks... it does help!

At least my consolation right now is that there's relatively no chance of an accidental pregnancy before I'm ready...so that's an up side!

Kelly · Hermes

I deleted my original post just because it's kind of a sensitive issue... but for anyone who read it and remembers, I just had a comforting update.

I kind of talked to my BF about the fact that I might not be able to have kids, but it was never actually any kind of in-depth thing like I anticipated. I brought the issue up, he kind of said that he knew and it sucked and asked how I was doing with my doctor (because I started going to a new one and started on new medication, etc.). That was it. Then he moved on. I was relieved that it wasn't the huge emotional ride it could've been, but still uneasy because we never actually talked about it in depth and I felt like now I just had to wait in agony longer until I could bring it up again and try to have a bigger conversation about it.

But this Friday we were driving somewhere, and I started to tell him about this little kid who rides the bus with his grandpa(?), on the same bus I ride home from campus. This kid has a little afro and I think it's the most adorable thing ever. I usually don't care enough to pay attention to babies I don't know, but I can't ever stop looking at this one. I said something to BF joking about how I was sad we are both white, because if we have babies they'll never be able to have little afros. And he said "well, if you can't have kids and we have to adopt them, we can find one with hair that you like." I mean, it was all lighthearted still, and not a really deep conversation, but it was nice to hear about us adopting so matter-of-factly, like of course that's what we'll do if we have problems. Like...of course he'll stay with me even though I might not have kids.