STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

NCshopper · Hermes

Am I just being a total snot?

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

You're not being a brat. It's your house and you shouldn't have to be uncomfortable. I think your best bet is just to talk to DH about it. He probably doesn't realize how much it's bothering you. I'd let him talk to BIL.

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I want to preface this by saying I am also an only child, therefore we do not understand the bond siblings have. I think you have to get over them hanging out and acting weird. My coworkers all complain about their husbands doing that with their brothers. I don't know if they will ever get over the jokes, but the more you hang out with the BIL the more comfortable you will become around him and the more you will have in common. Keep working at that!

As far as the knocking thing, I would want him to knock, but at the same time I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I say that because to me it is just a little annoyance, but nothing huge.

Good luck! My bf's little sis drives me crazy sometimes so I completely understand where you are coming from.

Jahni · Dooney & Bourke

HeatherLynn wrote:

I don't know if they will ever get over the jokes, but the more you hang out with the BIL the more comfortable you will become around him and the more you will have in common. Keep working at that!

As far as the knocking thing, I would want him to knock, but at the same time I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I say that because to me it is just a little annoyance, but nothing huge.

I think Heatherlynn said it. I know it's cliche (sp?) but boys will be boys. And some boys never grow up and will always find fart jokes funny.

As far as the not knocking thing, that would really get on my nerves, but I could see where turning it into a big deal would make everyone uncomfortable...maybe you could talk to DH about it, and then when BIL barges in next time make some sort of "don't you ever knock?" joke. I would try to keep it lighthearted at first and see if he catches on.

If that doesn't work, you should "just happen" to be walking out of the bath with a towel on next time, and then yell at him for not knocking. Surely he'll be too embarressed not to knock next time.

Kelly · Hermes

You're not being a snot. It's not your fault that you don't like to hang out with two 12 year old boys, and it's not your responsibility to think that's a good time!

As far as him letting himself in...I say just ask him to knock. I mean, he's got to understand if you say that sometimes you're changing, etc. and need a minute. I would personally be pretty spooked if I didn't know he was in the house, turned a corner, and saw someone there! I don't think he'll take offense to it, it's not like you're asking him to give the key back because you hate him, it's just that you like knowing when someone is in your house. If that doesn't work you could always do something really awkward like coming downstairs in a towel or your underwear and telling him it's because he didn't knock and you didn't know he was there

I don't know what to tell you about them being dumb...siblings have a bond that's pretty tight and I know my brothers and I get awfully silly when we're together, and I know that sometimes we annoy my BF or whoever is with us at the time. Still, that doesn't mean people need to think we're cool - just like you aren't obligated to think that they're cool when they're together. Do you guys have any mutual friends? I mean, when BIL comes over is it always just the three of you? Maybe at the beginning of the night you can say something like, "I can eat with you guys but then I really have to hit the sack/finish this project/etc." or plan to do something that engages all of you - like a board game or something, not a TV show that leaves you all sitting there

shopgirl82 · Chanel

is it bad that your post had me cracking up laughing??!

on a serious note, i can see your frustration. i would be annoyed that someone was just using the key to let themselves into MY house. i think your DH needs to speak up in a non-confrontational way and say, "hey look, can you make sure that one of us lets you in just in case, i might be wearing one of my girly face masks, i don't want you to know that your older/younger brother isn't naturally pretty" i know that's totally lame, i couldn't think of anything better, but the point is that if he could make a joke about it, and make it so it's not about you being difficult, i think that would be ideal and would get the point across. i think in this case HE needs to be the bigger person and approach the subject with your BIL.

as for the jokes, etc. i understand where it's coming from. my sister and i used to invade my bf's condo all the time. since i live with my bf this is where we would hang but it's still technically his place. while i cherished that time with my sister because i was catching up for lost time with her (five years of me living out of state), i can now see how it could have been an imposition on him. i do have to say, in his defense, i'm glad he never said anything because that would have REALLY struck the wrong chord with me.

so, i think as far as that goes, i think you need to thread lightly and a i feel like eventually this could pass as they could just be catching up on lost time. personally, i would probably just hang for a bit, say you have some e-mails you need to send and pop in every once in a while. maybe you and your BIL can bond over beer, or just watch Family Guy or something that way you can enjoy it without having to listen to them. or suggest to your DH that they take it to the bar or something every once in a while.

i think if you can handle it enough to hang for a bit when he comes over, i would just see how things progress and maybe they will get it out of their system after they've caught up a bit.

good luck.

Kitty · Hermes

The knocking thing would bug me, but that's because I'm really weird about space and I hate to feel like someone is invading my personal space. Maybe you could bring it up casually to your husband and get his take on it and work out a solution together?

As far as the whole 12-year-joke thing...I think you might want to try just going with it a bit, especially if your BIL isn't over all the time. I don't really like any of D's siblings, but I put in a lot of effort and try to get to know them and build a relationship, etc.

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

When I first read that he just lets himself in, I thought that was a bit wierd, but when you said he always calls first and you are expecting him I had a hard time seeing what the problem was. I did grow up in a house with a lot of people so we may be on different pages here. But if he is calling first and you know he will be coming during a certian time frame you can know not to be cursing around in the nude or otherwise indesposed. I, actually, am the opposite, if someone has a key and they knock, I give them a hard time, I don't want to answer the door for family and friends I just want them to come in. No help on what to do, just a different perspective I guess.

As far as feeling left out I would just try to keep yourself busy with something else and hang out with them when it is something you can be included in. I would also ask hubby to make an effort not to team up against you when you are making an effort to be around during testosterone fest!!

atlgirl · Gucci

I won't even go into the seriously annoying detail about either of my SILs...but suffice to say that I did not win the SIL lottery by any means. And after nearly seven years of marriage, and a lot of arguments, DH and I have - mostly - learned to just let their behavior go. At least your BIL is not assuming you are the family "bank" since his own credit is so bad...bleh.

I have to agree with the others about tolerating the "youthful" behavior. My brother and I do that a little (reminiscing, private jokes, and such) and my DH has never had an issue with it (maybe because I only see my brother once every two years or so, though). IMO it could be much worse - they could relive their college days (or whatever) by going out an boozing it up, strip clubs, etc...I know some married guys who do this - not with family, but when friends come to town - and their wives are *so* less than thrilled. I think it's in your best interest to make nice and play along as much as you can. The "Captain No Fun" isn't nice, and having met your DH, I'm surprised that he'd go along with that. I know he loves you and wants you to be happy...maybe he just gets so caught up in the moment when your BIL is around that he truly doesn't realize how the behavior is hurtful and bothersome to you.

The best responses I've had from my own DH about things that really bother me happen when I talk to him when things are quiet, and there are no bad feelings between us - and I approach things very neutrally but let him know my feelings are hurt by something he's doing/done. Then he's more inclined to fully listen (though not always inclined to remember later). Remember that these things don't change overnight - try to think of it as training. And it takes some time for training to kick in.

As for the not knocking first...I can totally understand how it irks you, but I also think that's a case of picking your battles. At least he does call first, so you can be prepared for a visitor. I personally would find the other behavior much more annoying so I'd pick that battle to try and work on, and let this one ride if you can.

BTW I think it's cute that you get all shmoopy when DH comes home. You two are a great pair. :)

blubirde · Chanel

Hmmm... do you have an extra lock you could lock when he's coming over? One the key won't work on? If so I'd lock that when he calls so he can't just walk in. If DH runs into the problem, all the better because you can say you were in the shower and didn't want BIL just walking in. Btw, that would really tick me off. My old roommate's ex had a key and used it to get in our apt without knocking. I'd always yell at him. He was lucky I didn't say what I really thought. Jerk.

About the fart jokes - ugh. I am with you there. I don't understand bathroom humor and you can call me a prude (or Captain No Fun), but I'm not a fan of such humor and I don't care how funny someone else thinks it is. My bf knows that if that type of humor or what have you gets to be too out of control, there's going to be nothing sexy going on that night. I've made it clear to him that I'm not turned on by such behavior, etc., etc., etc. So we have our boundaries. He can make all the jokes/noises he wants but he knows the consequences. Conversely, if he's at all interested in me as a gf and not a "buddy", he knows not to take too many liberties in the bathroom humor department. I know it sounds weird but it's one of those things I just don't want to accept in everyday life.

All that said, I agree with the other girls that you will probably have to put up with it a little bit, esp. considering it's his brother. Unfortunately. But your DH has to understand that it's not your style and while you'll put up with a little bit, you're being the nice one by leaving the room and letting them have their time together. You could be a complete b*tch and make sure DH and BIL knew you didn't want him around. So yeah, try and hang out a little more but maybe tell DH to chill a little as well. You leaving the room is totally acceptable behavior. You don't have to be with him every second of the day, esp. when his friend(s) are around.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

You've already gotten a lot of great posts so I don't have much to add.

I did just want to add on to Shopgirl's note: "while i cherished that time with my sister because i was catching up for lost time with her (five years of me living out of state), i can now see how it could have been an imposition on him. i do have to say, in his defense, i'm glad he never said anything because that would have REALLY struck the wrong chord with me. "

This is true with me too... I love hanging out with my sis and my BF as well. My BF or FH would have to accept that and hopefully love hanging out with us as well. That being said - I usually pick activities that would be enjoyable to both BF and sis when we hang out together.

So I guess my advice is liek the other girls - don't say anything to you husband about acting childish when they are together.

However - I think you DO have a valid point about coming in with the key. You can just point out the fact that you could be dressed/undressed inapporpriately and that you'd get easily scared if anyone came in unannounced. Good Luck!

NCshopper · Hermes

I knew you ladies would have good advice.

I think I do need to suck it up and just live with it right now. If I put myself in his shoes, I'd be pissed at him for ruining my fun. And BIL did just move here and really doesn't have any friends yet, so I need to just be understanding. It's just gotten to the point where every. little. thing. BIL does drives me up the friggin' wall. I'll just take a deep breath and leave the room for now.

And yeah, I probably need to let the opening-the-door-without-knocking thing go. At least he calls first and lets us know to expect him. Could be worse.