STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

No Europe Trip...

Hermes

Nicoley... I'm probably going to come across as harsh, but I'm just going to be straight and not pussyfoot around it.

I remember not too long ago you spent waaaaaay too much on that jerk in the UK by showering him and his family with hundreds of dollars in gifts that you barely had to spend. What did you get in return? Some asshole who didn't even bother to come see you when he was in the states.

I also know the situation with your mother. Is this how she "keeps" you, is by showering you with gifts? I'm just wondering where you're getting the "buy love" bug from.

This situation, along with the UK jerk situation, just comes across to me as an attempt to buy loyalty. Almost like "well, they can't leave me if they are indebted to me."

If someone is going to love you, they will love you for who you are, not for your gifts and generosity.

His gifts to his family are his responsibility. Do they celebrate Christmas? Is it really going to matter to them if they get their gifts later when your boyfriend can send them on his own dime? Why are you paying for this and why is this your responsibility? If you agreed to send the gifts to Africa, but later found out how much it costs, why can't you just tell him you can't afford to do it?

I'm direct because I care, and I get frustrated when I see you throw money at something for security, which is the way I read this when you do this. Also, expensive gifts ($400 in shipping is a huge gift among other expensive tangible gifts you have given him) can get someone to run, as it often makes them feel guilty, and they'd rather end the relationship than feel obligated.

Just food for thought...

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

D wrote:

Nicoley... I'm probably going to come across as harsh, but I'm just going to be straight and not pussyfoot around it.

I remember not too long ago you spent waaaaaay too much on that jerk in the UK by showering him and his family with hundreds of dollars in gifts that you barely had to spend. What did you get in return? Some asshole who didn't even bother to come see you when he was in the states.

I also know the situation with your mother. Is this how she "keeps" you, is by showering you with gifts? I'm just wondering where you're getting the "buy love" bug from.

This situation, along with the UK jerk situation, just comes across to me as an attempt to buy loyalty. Almost like "well, they can't leave me if they are indebted to me."

If someone is going to love you, they will love you for who you are, not for your gifts and generosity.

His gifts to his family are his responsibility. Do they celebrate Christmas? Is it really going to matter to them if they get their gifts later when your boyfriend can send them on his own dime? Why are you paying for this and why is this your responsibility? If you agreed to send the gifts to Africa, but later found out how much it costs, why can't you just tell him you can't afford to do it?

I'm direct because I care, and I get frustrated when I see you throw money at something for security, which is the way I read this when you do this. Also, expensive gifts ($400 in shipping is a huge gift among other expensive tangible gifts you have given him) can get someone to run, as it often makes them feel guilty, and they'd rather end the relationship than feel obligated.

Just food for thought...

D nailed it. People should care about you for you, not what you give them. None of us want to see you in a relationship that you are being taken advantage of.

Good advice D....

nicoley · Coach

Thank you D so much for being so upfront and forward with me. Its really nice to know I have a friend who cares enough to just tell me how it is! Let me first say, I think you hit the nail on the head about my mom. And I agree, all that money I spent on that Jerk in the UK was a huge mistake and I do regret sending all that stuff.

In this situation Im in right now, I really was trying to just be nice and sort of give back to his family and friends in africa, they really have nothing at all and are very poverty stricken. When I was shipping all of this stuff, I just wanted to do something nice. I dont know, i guess a part of me really wants to help him out as much as I can because I know where he came from and how he has lived in the past. I do understand what your saying, and I really hope that all this money I spent doesnt make him run or feel indebted to me.. That is definitely the last thing I want and didn't consider that when I sent the stuff. I know we have only been dating for about 6 months or so, but things are getting pretty serious and I really consider him as part of my family, and we both sort of know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Ive been with other guys, as you girls know, and I could not be any more blessed to have him in my life, he really is the most caring, giving, genuinely good guy with no bad intentions I have met. I think it comes from all the hardships he has had to endure? I know I probably sound crazy!!

I guess what Im trying to say is, that in the past and in the present, Ive always wanted to give whatever I could to my boyfriend. Maybe I need to learn where to draw the line from giving too much and giving just the right amount?

-- Edited by nicoley at 13:41, 2006-12-13

janey831 · Kate Spade

I agree with D.

Cricket · Gucci

Nicoley, I am so glad that you took what D had to say so positively. You're such a sweet girl, and no one here wants to see you taken advantage of (not that that's what's happening). Sometimes it's good to have people like D around who speak their mind and tell you the things that everyone else is afraid to say!

And I hope your boyfriend and his family really do appreciate what you've done for them!

Hermes

nicoley wrote:

Thank you D so much for being so upfront and forward with me. Its really nice to know I have a friend who cares enough to just tell me how it is! Let me first say, I think you hit the nail on the head about my mom. And I agree, all that money I spent on that Jerk in the UK was a huge mistake and I do regret sending all that stuff.

ok, good - I'm glad you don't hate me

In this situation Im in right now, I really was trying to just be nice and sort of give back to his family and friends in africa, I know you were they really have nothing at all and are very poverty stricken I understand. When I was shipping all of this stuff, I just wanted to do something nice I know you were. I dont know, i guess a part of me really wants to help him out as much as I can because I know where he came from and how he has lived in the past. I do understand what your saying, and I really hope that all this money I spent doesnt make him run or feel indebted to me.. That is definitely the last thing I want and didn't consider that when I sent the stuff I know, that's why I wanted to say something. I know we have only been dating for about 6 months or so, but things are getting pretty serious and I really consider him as part of my family, and we both sort of know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together I know, but you were with the UK jerk even longer and thought that was serious and leading to marriage too. Ive been with other guys, as you girls know, and I could not be any more blessed to have him in my life, he really is the most caring, giving, genuinely good guy with no bad intentions I have met. I think it comes from all the hardships he has had to endure? I know I probably sound crazy!!

I guess what Im trying to say is, that in the past and in the present, Ive always wanted to give whatever I could to my boyfriend. Maybe I need to learn where to draw the line from giving too much and giving just the right amount?

I totally understand and I'm the same way. I'm a big gift showerer. I love giving gifts especially to the guy in my life. I learned the hard way that people can be assholes. You can still give gifts, just keep them small. Wait until you have a ring on your finger to go all out. I do go all out with my husband - but I didn't do that until after we were married. I have been burned way too many times and have regretted many of the gifts I gave. The gifts I gave were during the point in my relationships with guys when I thought it was a sure thing, and I would be so pissed about wasting that money on them after it ended. Remember, it's the thought that counts...

nicoley · Coach

"I totally understand and I'm the same way. I'm a big gift showerer. I love giving gifts especially to the guy in my life. I learned the hard way that people can be assholes. You can still give gifts, just keep them small. Wait until you have a ring on your finger to go all out. I do go all out with my husband - but I didn't do that until after we were married. I have been burned way too many times and have regretted many of the gifts I gave. The gifts I gave were during the point in my relationships with guys when I thought it was a sure thing, and I would be so pissed about wasting that money on them after it ended. Remember, it's the thought that counts..."

D... This paragraph you wrote is great! It is such a good point and is something I am going to carry with me. I shouldn't have even needed you to tell me this, I should have learned my lesson from Jerk #1 in the UK once I got burned from him. I dont know how to thank you for helping me look at things a little bit more realistically instead of in my Dream world :)

Thank you again for all your advice and honesty. I almost feel like you are my mentor Youve always been able to help me get through tough situations. I'll keep everyone posted on how things progress with the boy.

Hermes

nicoley wrote:

"I totally understand and I'm the same way. I'm a big gift showerer. I love giving gifts especially to the guy in my life. I learned the hard way that people can be assholes. You can still give gifts, just keep them small. Wait until you have a ring on your finger to go all out. I do go all out with my husband - but I didn't do that until after we were married. I have been burned way too many times and have regretted many of the gifts I gave. The gifts I gave were during the point in my relationships with guys when I thought it was a sure thing, and I would be so pissed about wasting that money on them after it ended. Remember, it's the thought that counts..."

D... This paragraph you wrote is great! It is such a good point and is something I am going to carry with me. I shouldn't have even needed you to tell me this, I should have learned my lesson from Jerk #1 in the UK once I got burned from him. I dont know how to thank you for helping me look at things a little bit more realistically instead of in my Dream world :)

Thank you again for all your advice and honesty. I almost feel like you are my mentor Youve always been able to help me get through tough situations. I'll keep everyone posted on how things progress with the boy.

aww! nicoley, I'm just glad I can help. I just want to do what I can to help you be happy. I think a big part of it is that I have been in your shoes in the past and have the gift of hindsight to give (which is free, too!)

lynnie · Chanel

i agree with what was said. A few questions:

1) did he ask you to mail the package? Or did you do it w/o him asking because you felt guilty that you weren't flying out there- and therefore felt obligated to send it to them because it would be your fault if they didn't get the package- plus you wanted to be a "good girlfriend."

2) did he know it would cost $400? Did you tell him how much it cost?

3) is he financially strapped right now? Are you?

I really think he should reimburse you for that- and you can get him and his family a separate gift if you please. Its HIS gift to his family- not yours. Don't be too eager to please- it can read "doormat". Now, if you are close to his family and he is really hard pressed for cash, i could see doing that as a nice favor or gesture- but let him know that it was really expensive. This shouldn't be standard unless he would- in a heartbeat- do the same for you. ((hugs))

bex · Chanel

aw girl! i'm so glad you took D's advice to heart and didn't get upset by it b/c she said exactly what i was thinking as i read it.

and... as for being bored over the holidays (although i know you are probably home and not in c-bus) after tonight, i am home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until Jan. 8th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (except for my tiny trip to chicago)

so...... call me! lets go out! lets go hit after christmas sales together!!!

erin · Chanel

nicoley - if you are home + bored, you could join me thrifting + vintage shopping!

nicoley · Coach

Geez... ST girls are seriously the best ever! Thanks erin and bex for the offer of going out shopping... I may definitely have to take you two up on it. Im in the burgh until january 3rd then I will be in Cbus. Id love to get together with both of you!

As for Lynnie's questions, I guess I should explain the story a little more... He didn't ask me to mail the package he actually told me not to, But I wanted to anyways. Im not sure if its because I felt obligated as much as it was I just wanted him to have the items for his family. And He didnt know how much it was going to cost, he really really didnt want me to send it. I didn't want to tell him how much it cost because he wanted the reciept so that he could pay me back in January. He kept insisting that I tell him. I ended up telling him in the end just so he wouldnt ask about it anymore, but i made him promise that he wouldnt pay for any part of it and would stop asking. He is financially strapped right now because he has to fly to africa last minute which is like a gazillion dollars, because he only goes home once a year to see his family.. because it is so expensive (and hed rather just give his money to his family instead of spend it on flights). And as far as me financially strapped, I am a Grad student, if that says anything. But I sold alot of things on ebay and made enough money to cover it.

I should also mention that he is so thankful that I sent that stuff over and he couldn't thank me enough. And yes.. it is very genuine. But im the type of person where just because I do something I dont expect anything in return. He really wants to do something BIG to show me how much it means to him. But i insisted that he doesn't do anything. That it was just something I wanted to do for him and his family. But in his cute way he was like "well i might do something sometime and it will be just because I wanted to, and have nothing to do with this at all, would that be ok?" Its hard to explain without knowing him, but he really is thankful for every little thing he has in his life and never takes it for granted. I hope that makes the story a little more cohesive, and doesn't sound like Im defending him or something.

-- Edited by nicoley at 21:38, 2006-12-13

blubirde · Chanel

Nicoley, I'm totally like you and gifts. I spend waaayyy too much money and I'm sure it has something to do with "gifts" being a part of my family's way of apologizing. I still haven't learned my lesson totally but I'm getting sooo much better about it. I now realize it's much better to buy a card (or someone's favorite cupcake or something) at random times (sick, stressful day, whatever) than it is to spend lots of $$$ on gifts. I think it means more to "care" than to "buy".

You've already shipped the package, so there's nothing you can do about that. If you want to send him a card for xmas, cool, send one. But don't worry about a gift. I'm sure he won't care and you've already spent enough money, don't you think?

I think you're a terribly nice person as well and I hope your boyfriend knows that too!!

Hermes

blubirde wrote:

I spend waaayyy too much money and I'm sure it has something to do with "gifts" being a part of my family's way of apologizing.

you know, after I wrote what I wrote, I realized a lot of it was not just a protective thing toward Nicoley, but a reflection of me. I think I may give gifts to communicate to a person how they mean to me, because the only time I knew my parents cared about me was when a gift was given -- it's a learned trait. I guess when I gave expensive gifts to guys, it was my way of giving them my heart in a way. my heart got stomped on too many times. Along with stopping giving expensive gifts, I was also not willing to give up my heart so easily anymore either.

sorry for the self-analysis -- but I really learned something about myself from this discussion!

-- Edited by D at 09:31, 2006-12-14

atlgirl · Gucci

D, (and anyone else who's interested), have you ever read The Five Love Languages?

A counselor recommended it some time ago and I find it dead-on. The author's theory is that there are five "love languages":

- Quality Time

- Words of Affirmation

- Gifts

- Acts of Service

- Physical Touch

IMO it explains a lot about relationships and why people feel frustrated and unfulfilled even though their partner is doing what that partner thinks is the best thing. The author says that most people will lean toward two of these languages.

For example, my parents are both Acts of Service - they are very task-oriented and like to do tasks for one another. They're very well-suited in this regard.

Unfortunately, I am Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation and DH is not...even though we've discussed it, and discussed (in counseling and out) why I get so frustrated when he promises to take on a task and then it never gets done. And he's not so much on Words of Affirmation lately either. ~sighs~

DH, OTOH, is Quality Time and Physical Touch (this doesn't refer to just sex but regular touching like cuddling, hugs, holding hands, etc). So we are not on the same page as far as what we need from each other. And I can tell you that our relationship is no fun when any one of those needs aren't being regularly met.

One of my best friends is Gifts. One of the things she loves about her current BF is that he gives (in her words) "beautiful gifts, and "appropriate" gifts". That is huge to her - and it's not that she's avidly materialistic, but for occasions, it's all about the gift. Where for someone like my DH, a great day of Quality Time together is valued much more than, say a big ol' power tool for his birthday (though I'm sure he'd be happy with both!).

Anyway, it was a fascinating read for me. :)

FashionPrincess · Hermes

atlgirl wrote:

D, (and anyone else who's interested), have you ever read The Five Love Languages?

Atlgirl, I totally thought of that book when I was reading this too! I definitely recommend anyone reading it, it's helpful even in non-romantic relationships.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Wow. Good thread y'all. I just found it, but there's a lot to think about. Especially since the guy I'm seeing is going to China tomorrow and I'm still trying to decide how big of a gift to get him. I got something small, and then felt like it wasn't enough. But now I'm sticking with small-but-thoughtful...