STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

newuser · Nine West

edited-thanks girls!

itsapinkthing · Coach

RE: Husband traveling on business with female co-worker-very long

erin · Chanel

sorry to hear about this...i remember that thread, actually.

of anything, i would just be bothered by the lying, but personally i could see a lot of men lying because they "don't want to upset you." i'm probably in the minority here, but i don't think porn is a big deal. i think as long as it's not affecting your own intimate activities, it's perfectly normal.

i think it's unrealistic to expect your husband to avoid going out to work lunches with members of the opposite sex. travelling is different issue, but again, if it's something for *work* it's his job, not his choice.

i think counselling sounds like a good idea, because it sounds as though there are trust issues...and i think that's something that needs addressed because a lot of this stems from that...

eta: i hope i am not being too harsh, these are just my thoughts on the matter. i understand everyone feels differently about their situations, but just some things to think about...

-- Edited by erin at 17:11, 2006-12-04

Kitty · Hermes

I'm so sorry!! *hugs*

It does seem like you have some trust issues to work out (and rightly so, since he's lied to you in the past) - I don't think you should have to worry at all about your SO go to lunch engagements with female coworkers. It's too bad you guys can't work out the counseling thing because it might help to have a third party to facilitate your discussions and offer up suggestions.

Elle · Hermes

It sounds like this is quite the hot-button issue for you two. But, I can see his logic in not telling you about that second lunch date. He learned from the first time that it makes you very upset and that he can't seem to convince you that it's innocent. He knows it's innocent because, well, he's there. So instead of telling you something that will for sure just start another fight that will go nowhere, spare everyone and not say anything. He's taking the chance that you only might be mad (if you found out), instead of know for sure you're going to be mad if he outright tells you. I can't say I'd be very willing to tell either if I knew I was going to be starting a huge fight - kind of like being punished for being honest?

Has he cheated on you in the past or been emotionally unfaithful before? Because being totally honest here, it sounds like quite a bit of this is your insecurity talking, be it stemming from the original lying-about-porn incident or elsewhere. IMO there is nothing wrong with a married person having lunch with a coworker as long as it's kept friendly-professional (ie nothing they wouldn't mind their spouses or other coworkers overhearing) and the lunches don't become long extended things that get in the way of work or family. It doesn't sound like you're looking at it as 'Coworkers having lunch' as much as 'Lying husband having lunch with potential affair'.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve your suspicion, because again IMO anyone who lies to their spouse should expect to have to earn their trust back. But, unless you know that he's cheated on you in the past, I don't think it's fair that he's barred from talking/being around/working with ANY female because he looked at some porn. Looking at porn and cheating with a real person are two different things, and if he's being treated like he's cheating why not just go ahead and do it then?

***

So, I think this is definitely something you should talk about again, with coming up with a plan as your goal. You obviously don't see eye to eye on this issue, but if you both give a little maybe you can find a place you can both live with - he not feeling like he's doing something behind your back, and you not feeling like you have to worry about if he's lying to you. Writing your thoughts and feelings down might help put you both on the same level, if your words don't seem to be having the impact you'd like.

Do you think he'd be willing to agree to be as upfront as possible about his lunches, if you promise not to be (outwardly) angry? If they're planned things, let you know the day before or the morning of? And/or, to invite someone else along to lunch so it's not just one-on-one if at all feasible? Or you could throw a cocktail party or go out to eat with all of his coworkers and their SOs some evening. Maybe if you got to know them a bit it would make you more comfortable.

And I think it's up to both of you to try and rekindle your relationship, not just him. Even if you both have to force it a bit at first again, it's almost always easier when both partners vow to put the effort in together.

HTH. Sorry you're having to go through this .

NCshopper · Hermes

Wow, that stinks.

I can really see both sides of the issue here. And it seems like a cycle that's going to keep repeating itself unless you guys take control of it and get some outside help. But right now it sounds like he does something and conceals it, you (inevitably) find out about it and are pissed, then he tries to avoid a similar situation by lying in the future, and you get suspicious and inevitably find out, etc, etc. See what I'm saying?

To echo what the other girls have said, it really does sound like you guys might really benefit from being proactive and talking to a counselor about this. I think sometimes people get so stuck in their line of thinking that they stop trying to see the other person's side of things and need someone that's outside the relationship to help them evaluate what's going on. And I think that happens to everyone, not just you.

Also, for what it's worth, I think it's unrealistic to expect that coworkers or professional associates of the opposite sex not go out to lunch. It doesn't mean that anything out of the ordinary is going on...it's just that that's how some business is done and it would be a major hurdle to try and have a successful career without doing that sometimes. But he needs to be honest with you as well. When he hides stuff it's only natural for you to become suspicious and worried. So yeah, try and see someone about this and get this resolved before it becomes a huger problem.