STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I totally understand. I had ridiculous chemistry with the last guy I dated from the moment we met. It was pretty mutual and I was literally under his spell. But despite having this amazing connection, I soon realized he had a major drug problem, was immature, and we couldn't get past his religious issues. So the chemestry was amazing, but the other pieces weren't there.

My current boyfriend is the opposite. We met and he fell hard for me and I wasn't sure. He really went out of his way to woo me. I was obviously flattered but was overwhlemed and kinda weirded out. My friends told me to get over myself because I had the guy I had always dreamed about and I just wasn't used to such a great, nice guy. Well, they were right. After getting to know each other better, we now have that crazy connection. I'm honestly in love for the first time and we're talking about getting engaged in the near future. I've never told him I wasn't *that* into him when we first met because I'm sure it would hurt him and there's really no point... we're ridiculously happy now so why bring up the past.

I don't know the answer to this, but it's an interesting question.  DH and I met in college - and I think we had chemistry then.  I also wonder if chemistry evolves over time?  Like, maybe there is new infatuation chemistry, which is different from long term chemistry? 

 

kenzie wrote:

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I could have written this myself. The guy I'm dating now was one of my best friends back in college and I had no idea how he felt about me. To make a really long story relatively short, we lost touch for several years and recently got back in touch. Apparently, he had been looking for me on and off for the entire time we were out of touch b/c I had meant so much to him when we were in college. He's already fallen hard for me, but it's taken me a bit longer to get there b/c the initial chemistry on my side was relatively platonic. But we have so much in common, I can tell him anything and now we have mad chemistry.

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hey, I'm so glad things are going well with this! Much better than that guy from your office. He sounded like such a drain... just enough to keep you hoping things would work out, but never following through. Hurray!

sb,

I could see why those comments stung- i think its always awkward to hear "the truth" about initial impressions- even when your own truth is worse.  I know if i told guys I loved exactly what i first thought, i could hurt some feelings myself.  So i don't- but I don't consider it a bad thing that he revealed that to you.  Candid honesty can be sort of humbling and refreshing, as long as you are secure that he loves you NOW.

As far as initial impressions, hmm. 

Background: I define the different eras of my life by the feelings associated with them- and often that involves different boys I was either obsessed with or involved with- there are the andrew years, the tommy years, etc etc.  My friends think i'm crazy.  I'm not boy crazy- there are only 6 boys that have effected my profoundly from the years of 12 to 23- and two of them were long 2.5 year unrequited crushes, and two of them were/are adult relationships.  I consider myself a loner, so when i find someone i "click with", i do tend to romanticize them.  My last two relationships I didn't really do this with.  The boards at www.quirkyalone.net kind of describe me. 

The very first "love" of my life was in 7th grade- it may sound totally weird- but we clicked INSTANTLY.  Witty banter, spark, everything- he was in a bunch of my classes- I thought he was SO so so cute.  We talked on the phone for hours a day (like 5 hours, EVERYDAY), i wrote 13 pages in my journal about different ways i loved him and read it over the phone to him, walked with him to all my classes.  It was kind of sick.  This lasted 6 months- the last couple weeks we made it "official" and it was so awkward.  He kissed me once at the mall- awkward! and a couple days later his friend broke up with me and told me we spent too much time together.  I was strangely only devastated for a couple of weeks, and after that- I never dwelled.  I was 12 for crying out loud!  I spent the next 5 years of my life in long unrequited crushes- so i think it did effect me.  But i STILL to this day wonder if i'll find this again with someone- it was very romeo and juliet-ish.  Yet it didn't last, and he's now kind of a tool.  I'm an adult now and my own expectations and needs always go beyond initial attraction and witty banter. 

I had the next intense "click" emotionally/mentally/physically with a boy i met the first night i was at college.  I was so smitten- it was really intense from the beginning.  And that only lasted a month before he decided that he wanted to explore other things since we had just gotten to college.  I still remember how it felt that first month, and i'm sad i can't ever have that feeling back- as i got to know him later- realized he had a lot of qualities i don't want anymore.  Not terrible, but not right for me.

My most significant relationship began w/ my now exbf (was with him for 3 years).  We have known each other for 4 years and i can say w/o any doubt that he is one of the greatest people i've ever met (and maybe will ever meet).  We didn't work for certain reasons, but he helped me out with car stuff the other night and it kind of broke my heart the way he still looks at me and cares for me.  And that i still love him too, in a million ways, but a defined relationship just seems besides the point now.  I didn't think he was that cute at first- I was into his friend- but our mental/emotional chemistry was crazy.  I wanted to talk to him for hours and know everything about him.  I'd always end up in his dorm room, lying on his couch, laughing with him.  Such a great guy, and little by little, i started to think he was the cutest guy ever.  So I really do think love can grow.  Once people have been burned they rarely enter new relationships with complete openness and optimism- maybe that's why i can never have back those naive relationships of my younger years.  It's okay though- it's something to inspire you, something to write about, something to dream about.  Bridges of madison county-esque.  Maybe I haven't even met "the one" yet, and i'm okay with that.

I'm currently dating a boy that lives across the country.  I really love him and have a strong connection with him, but sometimes I am pessimistic about the distance, since I would like to know what he's like on a day to day basis.  I met him through a trustworthy friend, and instantly, we felt like kindred spirits.  I just...knew him already.  We were sharing ice cream and he was carrying my ski poles on the ski lift and we were into the same obscure bands... etc.  I didn't think he was that cute for the first couple of days (i was there for 8 days), but then i started to realize- wait, this is rare.  He's smart, he's motivated, he has a sarcastic clever sense of humor that i really like, he's into cool things, he's a good guy,  he's reallllly good at snowboarding (and i've always had a weakness for snowboarder/skater boys ), i feel comfortable around him...and he became much cuter.  I spent the next couple of months yearning for him, staring at pictures of him, not knowing if it was just a vacation fling, only to realize he was doing the same thing!  We've seen each other 3 times since then- he's coming again in January- and talk on gchat hours a day, call each other for an hour or so almost nightly (though recently its tapered off since we're both busy ), he's talked about moving here in a year or two... i am just confused now because i'm always confused about boys and I feel better not being involved than being involved.  Its a lot of pressure and i'm somewhat a free spirit.

Long stories- but i guess the common thread is i tend to click first emotionally- and then like them physically.  I know some people may be the other way around.  If you are questioning your relationship now, i'd explore that more.  if you are questioning how you felt at first- don't worry about it.  I do believe though that you can have an instant connection w/someone and it can last.  But it rarely stays the same intense

kenzie- i think we need an update!

I totally know how you feel, SB. I have definitely been in relationships where I "clicked" with the guy instantly and then it eventually feel apart. I think chemistry does count for something, but other elements have to be there for a relationship to work, and it took me a while to figure that out.

My current BF actually told me something recently that is along the lines of what your BF told you -- when we first started spending the night together he'd want to be all cuddled up as we fell asleep and I told him I couldn't really sleep that way. I wasn't used to it, basically, and wanted my side of the bed to myself. It's not like I didn't like it, but I just couldn't fall asleep. He told me a couple months ago that he almost broke up with me because of it, thinking it meant I was a cold person (which I'm totally not). And now we always fall asleep cuddled together and I love it. It did kind of hurt my feelings when he told me that, but I also decided if it had really been that big of a deal we'd have broken up.

My two most painful break-ups were the result of "chemistry blindness." One, we clicked more intellectually right away -- we loved the same movies, same random stupid things, and could always make each other laugh -- but he turned out to be completely emotionally shut-off (my brother calls him Mr. Freeze). The second, I guess it was more of a physical clicking, but he also wanted to spend all his time with me and include me in everything, which was extremely flattering and felt so good after Mr. Freeze, and we had a lot of fun together. We also came to connect strongly on an emotional level; at the time he said he had never been as close to a woman before. However, he ended up moving across the country for grad school and we broke up, and he also had a controlling mom who told me he wouldn't get married until after being done with school, so I'm sure she influenced him to end the relationship. I was devastated when we broke up, but in the end I am much better off and much happier in the long run without a person who is unable to think for himself.

As for my current BF, I did think he was very cute right away, and on our first date we ended up talking for 6 hours. It turned out we had very similar temperments and similar feelings of wanting to take things slowly, which really worked out for the best. We did get pretty serious after a few months but I tried not to get too head over heels for him just in case things didn't work out, although I was really happy at the same time.



-- Edited by scarlett at 10:59, 2006-12-04

I totally feel for you. But every relationship is different. I met DH when he was dating a girl he described as "a girl of his dreams". DH and I were friends for about 8 months before we started dating and I got to hear all kinds of things about his current, and then past, relationship. Not something I needed to know as his future wife, surely.
I think the relationship with my DH was the first one in my life where there wasn't an audible physical click. But we were, from day 1, very close emotionally and mentally. The physical part grew with time (we've been married for 5 years, dating for 7), but still I sometimes wish we had the "click" from the start. On the other hand, other guys I clicked with turned out to be assholes, or unable to commit, etc, etc. And yet so many times I was afraid he was comparing me to "the girl of his dreams".

I literally knew within like 5 minutes of meeting my boyfriend that it was something special and unique. I know that sounds crazy and most people don't believe me, but the chemistry and connection was SUPER intense. After our first date, I pretty much felt that I was falling in love with him (I know, also sounds crazy). I used to get such intense butterflies in my stomach when I knew I was going to see him - I couldn't eat or sleep becuase I'd get so excited. We just celebrated 4 years and are currently looking at engagement rings! So, insta-click is not necessarily a bad thing.


-- Edited by Kitty at 16:11, 2006-12-04

My DH and I clicked right away, but not in a romantic way.  When we met, a good friend of mine had just broken up with him, and he lived on the other side of the country.  The idea of us becoming a couple wasn't even within the realm of possibilities.  I did think that he was adorable, and I also thought that he was hands down the funniest person I had ever met.  I guess he felt the same.

However, our connection grew really quickly, and we were engaged 4 months later.  To me, it's really cool the way our chemistry and connection has developed.  From fun to flirtatious attraction to being partners in every way.  And, I felt a very strong to connection to him when we got married, but now that we've been married 5 years, I feel like our connection then was so little compared to how connected and attracted I am to him now.  I adore him a little bit more every day.

I basically believe that relationships are pretty much a crap shoot.  You have no way of knowing which direction they are going to head, and there isn't really a "right" way to start them. 

sephorablue wrote:

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blubirde wrote:

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I can understand why your feelings would be hurt by your bf though. But I certainly don't think he would have admitted any of that stuff if he weren't sure now, ya know?

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No, definitely not. We both feel really secure and really happy. Just every once in a while when I hear one of those "I knew right away!" stories, I wonder if there could have been something like that out there for me... but I think it has to do a lot with personality, too. In my experience, the people who've told me those stories are really romantic, passionate, emotionally eager and open people, whereas I am generally much more guarded.

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I think it would be practically impossible for me to have had an "insta-click" moment with anyone, because, like you are kind of saying, I'm way too guarded and meticulous to be open to those kinds of feelings. At least not up front. People have to win me over - as assy as that sounds. Not to mention that I'm insanely leery of my girlfriends who start talking about connections right when they meet someone. It's totally my own defensive postures coming into play, but I've seen too many situations where "knowing" turned out to be "having crazy sex for a few weeks and then never seeing the guy again."

So yeah, instant connections are awesome and I think they make for the best romantic stories (who wants to hear about a story where she knew he was the one 6 months down the road?)but for me they aren't a reality. And I'm definitely okay with that because I would never have trusted my feelings if I thought they were based on instantaneous attraction. I'm weird that way.