STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

Keeping a Positive Attitude...

kittenheels · Coach

I wish I had some good advice, but I feel I could learn a lot from what other people have to say. Sometimes when I'm really crazed but leave work - I just sit cross legged on a cushion and close my eyes for a few minutes. Just remembering to breathe and sitting still does a good job of getting me calm enough to move on with my night so that I'm not a complete shrew to DH.

Or, sometimes a big glass of wine does the trick too!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

How about, "Who cares how positive I am. I'm sick and got-damn tired of women having to be so PERFECT all the time." I'm not being fecitious, either. For me, when I gave myself permission to reallys say, "This. Sucks." I was much more positive because I didn't feel like I was holding it in all the time. Although then, of course, I dumped it all on this board. But trust me, the people who have to deal with me on a more regular basis benefitted. I say, give yourself a pass to be as flawed as you want, and it' takes away so much pressure and actually makes you better. Because instead of being all "Oh no, maybe I'm not positive enough," it's easier to be more, "Well, sometimes things suck and it's not really that big of a deal. They'll be better later." It evens things out. At least for me.

NCshopper · Hermes

Gosh, I feel like I could have written your post. I feel like sometimes I complain ALL. THE. TIME. My work situation pretty much blows and things can get so bad at work that the only thing I can do is laugh about it because after a certain point, it just gets funny how bad it is.

Anyway, when I have a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, there are a few things I try to do. 1) I try and laugh about it. Most of the time there is something in all of it to laugh at, if not due to the pure ridiculousness of it all. 2) I try to remember that "this too shall pass." I know it's cliche and all, but it is true. Tomorrow is a different day and most of the things that are a problem right now aren't going to be a problem tomorrow. To remember that this job that I'm in today isn't the job that I'll be in forever or that my boss will not always be my boss really helps. And when my boss gets really awful, it's kinda fun to be thinking "You know what? F*ck you! I've got bigger and better things coming my way in life." It kinda makes me smirk on the inside. 3) Get some alone time. Luckily, when I get home from work, I have about 1/2 hour before DH gets home. I swear, that 1/2 hour has probably saved our marriage on more than one occasion. To be able to do what I want, undisturbed, for 1/2 and hour allows me to clear my head and for me to sort things out in my head before DH has to hear the brunt of how bad my day was. 4) Vent to someone. Like Dizzy said, you don't have to be perfect. No one expects that of you. Everyone has shitty days and the people in your life that care about you shouldn't mind hearing about it sometimes.

Anyway, sorry this got long. I hope your day today is better than yesterday.

atlgirl · Gucci

I remind myself that I *chose* my life, and if part of it isn't working, I can *choose* to change that. It's a question of priorities. I've stayed in jobs I hate because I needed the salary, but once I got to where I needed, I left and went on to do other things. I tend to get mired down in the details and forget to look at the big picture. And most of the time when I look at the big picture, I find that most of the details aren't really that bad. If they are that bad, I try to set small goals to get past those issues, if possible.

I don't have a corporate job any longer, because I chose to start my own business. So when I get overwhelmed (like for the last two months), I remind myself that as crazy as it gets, I'd still rather be doing what I'm doing than go back to the corporate world. And I took a huge salary cut to do this, so when I'm irritated that the spending money isn't always there, I remind myself that I like my job, and that's worth a lot more than some of the spending I might enjoy.

When I'm annoyed with DH, I remind myself that I can't imagine life with anyone else and overall I'm really happy to be married to him. It's not like I don't get on his nerves too, occasionally. He's great in all but a few areas, and I just have to figure out how to manage those areas (not manage him!) so I'm not frustrated with him and vice versa. I just haven't figured that part out yet.

All this Pollyanna-ness doesn't mean that I don't have bad days, or that I don't have a bad attitude sometimes. Everyone does, so don't be too hard on yourself when things aren't perfect and you aren't happy. We're all entitled to feel our emotions - even if you just allow yourself to have a pity party for a few minutes (or a whole evening, depending on how bad things are at the time). Don't feel bad about that!
i felt like i failed with my vow to be more positive and it makes me so sad (among other emotions).
Remember to give yourself time to learn new habits. If you keep actively working on changing your perspective, it WILL happen. But it won't happen overnight. It takes time and consistent effort to make the change. I respect that you recognized something you don't necessarily like about yourself and *want* to change it. That's a huge start, and you'll get there. Sometimes you won't even realize the emotional distance you've traveled along that path, and you'll find yourself looking back and being suitably impressed with your progress. Evolving into someone different tends to sneak up on us like that. :)

Your BF sounds like a gem, and I'm glad he is there for you. You'll be thrilled at how he responds to your changes, too. DH used to call me "Black Atlgirl" (teasing me, not offensively) because I was so angry and depressed when he met me. I've worked actively over time to change that and now I don't hear that anymore. He still sometimes seems pleasantly surprised when I react more positively to things, but I think he's getting used to the newer me.

When a situation comes up, try to be less immediately "reactive" - I know this is HARD! - and more proactive. Clearly some things aren't going to work where you can be proactive. And sometimes you just have to stop yourself from reacting at all. I've been working on this myself for a while, and one of the most beneficial things I've learned to do is bite my tongue a bit more. Instead of heatedly responding, I just try to consider whether the situation truly warrants a big emotional reaction or whether it's just something I can shrug off. And you know what? I've learned to shrug off many situations. They just aren't *that* important. This has not only improved my own outlook, but my relationships with friends and DH. And y'know, life's been a lot more FUN since I started working on being a "half full" instead of "half empty" type of girl. :)

Hang in there. It will happen for you too!!

NCshopper - I hear you about the half hour. I used to need that too when I got home from work. DH is the opposite - he wants to be greeted as he walks in the door and to share about his day. This was a huge learning about each other, and I agree that those half hours were also critical to my marriage. Decompression time is so valuable!

Dizzy, WHEN are you done with law school?! I don't disagree with what you posted, but...I can't wait for you to be out of that festering arena and back to the old Dizzy!! I hope you're not there for too much longer...*hugs*

ayo · Coach

I know I'm probably going to sound like friggin Mary Poppins here..

but for the first time in a long time I think I've found peace in my life...

That peace has caused me to have a pretty positive attitude about life. Not to say everything always goes right for me...but when things do go wrong or if I get overwhelmed I try not to let that get me down to the point where it overshadows all the wonderful things that are in existent in my life. I think of it more as more of a challenge, a small hill I have to climb over and that is temporary, it will pass and life will return to normal.

I also don't believe that everything is within my control...so why get all riled up about it..I can't fix the mess anyway so I refuse to stress it..

lynnie · Chanel

i know what you mean about bf's that listen and don't complain... i always am dating that type of boy and its made me feel guilty in the past. However, nowadays, i consider myself more that type than not. I just don't complain as much anymore- most things aren't worth it. I don't know what sparked the change- being in a job and location i don't loathe surely helps. i think atlgirl is right in being proactive- if the same thing bothers you on a daily basis, then changes are in order. As far as daily things, i try to find the humor as well. If someone is mean to me, i laugh at them in my head. Or i yell right back at them- its hilarious (this is usually for assholes on the street- not for anyone in my professional or personal life). Or I think of certain things that always make me smile- like my bf or certain images. For example, my friend was looking at this myspace page of a strange guy she had a college class with. In it, he had a blog of different celebrities he's met for autographs:

Jason David Frank:
Normally I only attend female celebrity autograph signings, but wait a
second, this is Jason David Frank! The friggin Green Ranger, Tommy!
This guy is too cool, he was one the greatest Power Rangers ever.
Jason signed autographs at Toys R Us in Herald Square, Manhattan.
Surprisingly, there were many other adults in line by themselves,
among the hordes of screaming kids. The line was about 200-300 people
long, with a wait of about a hour or two. I made out like a bandit on
this one, I snagged 3 autographed pictures! There was a woman giving
out pics that were already signed, I guess in hopes of those people
leaving the line, which was running too long, and too late. Not a
chance, once I conned her out of two pics, you better believe I stood
in line to meet him and get a third. I got some pretty clear shots of
him too, since he stood as he signed. I also managed to take a picture
with him! Some bozo security guard did the honors. I stayed lingering
after I got my autograph (fortunately, no one threw me out), and I
followed him and his entourage as they left. As he walked out, I got
to shake his hand. But man, three autographs!

Oh, and this gem from the amy jo celebrity meeting (my friends and i always make fun of her because we hated julie on Felicity):

Finally,
I see her walking down the street with a guitar twice her size
strapped to her back. I was like "oh shit there she is!" I gawked at
her as she entered the place. Soon after, a line starts to form. My
friends and I get in a little past 9 and we get great seats, front row
center. Mind you, this was a just a small bar, with a casual crowd
there to listen to music, not hundreds of screaming Amy Jo fans or
anything like that.

Ok, that vision ALWAYS makes me smile. Maybe i just have a snarky sense of humor. It helps to not sweat the small stuff and enjoy life for what it is, this amazing gift. i also don't mean to sound pollyanna, but these days, i don't forget that i'm lucky to have these little things to complain about, and not MAJOR things. When i do need to vent, i try to disperse it, so its not always the same things to the same people. Sometimes on stylethread, sometimes friends, sometimes bf, sometimes family- only major problems get told to all those people. Hope that helps!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Ok, I think I can offer some insight but I have to admit I am a little afraid of coming off like Mary Poppins or Pollyanna or some other annoyingly perky Disney character. Because I know I'm blessed. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. So I don't want to be like "Don't worry, be happy!" to someone who is facing hardships that I'm not facing. Having said all that, here's what I think I've figured out:

There are a MILLION ways to be happy. If you think you can only be happy if x, y, and z happens, you are truly limiting yourself. This principle applies to the big stuff as well as the little stuff. Let's take a couple of "big stuff" examples: if you can't imagine being happy unless you get that big promotion or that engagement ring or the house you put an offer on, the only thing you're doing is wasting time that you could've spent being happy. Because even if it happens, think about all the time you spent waiting for it, and not letting yourself be happy until it happened. What a shame, you know? Or worse still, what if you get it, whatever it is you've built up in your head to be the end-all be-all, and then you feel...deflated? Like all that torment for this? For more work or marital squabbles or a huge mortgage payment? Because here's the thing: NOTHING is worth forsaking your own happiness. And you will invariably end up resenting whatever it is that you hinged your happiness on. Either that or you will find the next thing that you need to make you really happy and not enjoy the blessing that was just handed to you.

But that's the "big stuff." What if there's nothing "big" in your life you're waiting on but you're still not happy? Let's take a look at the little suff because the same principle applies. For example, if you run late every morning because you just *had* to make sure your hair was perfect and then you spend your entire commute worrying about being late, guess what you just did? You wasted time you could've spent just chilling, enjoying the time to yourself before work because you decided you couldn't be happy without your hair being perfect. So either wake up earlier or leave the house with your hair imperfect. Fix it. Work it out. This is your happiness we are talking about. Nothing matters more.

Anyway, hope that helps and if all else fails, a fabulous vacation in Paris never hurt anyone.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I've been having trouble keeping a positive attitude recently, too. One thing that I haven't been doing as much as I should is exercising. I know that when I exercise regularly it really gives me such a better mental state of being. That would be my mundane recommendation for something that you could do either before or after work to help you stay positive! I need to be doing it, too.