STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

Am I wrong?

Hermes

"im afraid to say it seems like im the one starting all the fights... Im starting to think im expecting too much? And now im sick to my stomach thinking that when he leaves for europe all hes going to be thinking of is how horrible our relationship has been the last week or so, and questioning how our relationship will last, or if its even worth keeping."

People like to be with people that make them feel good - it's a simple as that. If he's walking on eggshells all the time wondering what's going to set you off, that's not a feel good thing. As far as expecting too much - if what you expect from a relationship is not what he can provide, then find someone who can give you what you want to expect.

When my husband and I first started seeing each other, he received a call from a woman he met at a bar in China. He took the call and left things open ended with her (while I was standing there.) Since we were going so strong at the time, and were supposed to be newly exclusive, I called him on it. I asked him how would he feel if I got that call and alluded to continuing contact with the person. He understood how it was not commensurate with being exclusive and to my knowledge ceased contact with her. My expectations in a relationship were that if we were exclusive that "dating" or continuing contact with people that formerly held romantic interest was not acceptable. It's up to you to determine what your expectations are - if he cannot meet them, he cannot meet them. People do what they want to do.

-- Edited by D at 13:07, 2006-11-05

lynnie · Chanel

i agree w/D. If he can't meet your expectations, then he can't. Doesn't matter how good of a guy he is, or how much you like him/he likes you, maybe the timing or relationship isn't right. No one wants to feel like they can't be trusted.

Personally, I don't tell my bf every time i talk to anyone i've had feelings for in the past- there is no reason to. There is no threat- i wouldn't care if he was talking to his exgfs/flirtations either and would prefer if he didn't tell me unless there was a problem (like he was falling for them again). I prefer it this way personally- it keeps some mystery and excitement. And i know that he loves me. Its funny- before i started dating my bf, he said things like, I love girls. They are so perfect. And I just brought it up to him, jokingly, about how i was glad he picked me. And he said, "I do like girls- but i LOVE you." I am glad he's not closed off when he meets anyone just because he has a gf- I am attracted to him in part because of a certain charisma that he has that is obviously going to be attractive to other girls. As long as he is faithful to me, that is what matters.

Now, my exbf of 3 years. I loved him, but there was something off about the way he brought up talking to his exgfs. He got a letter from one once, and I saw the hearts on the letter (I had heard through the grapevine that she was still in love with him)- and he quickly stuffed it in his pocket and didn't say anything. Now, I had no reason to feel threatened technically- she lived far away and was a terrible person apparantly- but there was something in the vibes of how it was treated that always made me feel like our relationship wasn't on solid ground. And it wasn't- it never clicked together the way that I had wanted it to- as much as it pains me to admit this. I did and said things that made me sound insecure and jealous- which i HATED. I think your intuition is strong, and other things might be contributing to why you are upset about this one instance. Maybe it is insecurity, maybe its knowing that he's leaving, maybe its that you're scared to lose him, maybe he is just a huge flirt...but I believe when the relationship is right, you won't really worry about this.

Sorry if this sounds harsh- i just watched sleepless in seattle for the first time so i'm in a romantic mood.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree with what D and Lynnie said. I would also add an observation that this relationship seems to have caused you a lot of anxiety -- only you know if that's because of something to do with you (and not because of anyone else) or if it's him or it's the relationship, but it seems, to me anyhow, that you've had a few periods of high anxiety here. First with your ex boyfriend guilt tripping you, then the girls from out of town who leave him the extra friendly voice mail messages, and now the recent discovery he had a girlfriend before. Maybe this is not the right relationship for you or you're not ready for a relationship right now, or maybe you do have some difficulties trusting him because he's not trustworthy. What do you think? It shouldn't be this hard at the beginning.

Do you think he has deliberately lied to you about this, or did you assume he hadn't had a girlfriend without ever really talking about it? Except in rare cases, when two adults start dating you always have some kind of a past and so does the other person, and you just have to deal with it in a considerate and adult way.

The expectations thing is key. When I got serious with my BF I was totally honest about what I was looking for. It wasn't an ultimatum, just a statement of fact, and I said it so that if he didn't want the same things we could go our separate ways and save ourselves a lot of time and aggravation.