STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Does anyone else have this problem?

Elle · Hermes

I have this problem too, Dizzy, and I HATEHATEHATE it. I swear it doesn't take that much energy to put just a *tiny* effort into a friendship, but people just can't seem to do it.

I always try to be a good friend - I like to keep a few close friends instead of a ton of casual ones, so I like to treat my close friends well. I'm that friend who shows up without having to be asked to bail you out of an impossible situation. I'm that friend that pays for lunch because I know you don't have the money but are too embarassed to say so. I am that friend who will come bring you gas when you run out, even if it's in the middle of the night. I'm that friend.

I'm also the friend who doesn't get called on her birthday, two years in a row. And the one who's maid of honor spaces actually inviting anyone to my bridal shower until the last minute so nobody can make it. And who's same maid of honor is a no-show for the rehearsal dinner and shows up a single hour before the actual wedding ceremony.

I don't like being other people's friends, but not ever seeming to have any friends myself. Would it hurt them to care, even just a little bit? It's obviously not just you, at least ...

-- Edited by Elle at 13:03, 2006-10-31

squishy · Coach

i feel you guys. there were definitely times/situations in which i felt like i was being a much better friend to others than they were to me. i was there to listen until 4am to overanalyze an odd phone call. when i was at school, i'd hop on a 5 hour busride when a close friend got dumped. i was there to indulge the whims of others, but not the other way around.

i've had a good and honest friend tell me that since i'm so independent and private, it's easy to assume that i would take care of my own needs (if i even had any). i agree to a certain point, but after a while, it becomes inconsiderate and almost hurtful. i'm a rock to a lot of other people, but i haven't come across many people who would be a rock to me.

everyone likes strong people because they/we never ask for anything. and once they get to know you, they think that because you don't exhibit visible vulnerabilities or insecurities, you have none. how could you then possibly need anything?

in my case, i think it's partly my fault. i'm very attuned to subtleties, so i don't need to be explicitly told something. sometimes i've expected others to pick on my nuances, and was disappointed when they failed to. example: if i want to do something, instead of insisting on it several times, i'll mention it once. it's easy to miss, especially if you're distracted, so it's foolish of me, but i can't help it sometimes.

i also think that close friends take each other for granted. some might even consider it an underhanded complimented. "i'm so close to you, i don't even need to tell you how much you mean to me. you already know." in casual acquaintances, there's still an air of propriety, sometimes stiltedness and slight hesitation you need to maintain. not so in good friendships, that become so comfortable you're not even aware of the harm you're doing.

i've dealt with this by weaning off the friends who were siphoning more friendship than they were providing. and to the friendships that i really wanted to maintain, i've talked to them, and it has gotten better...

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I have so been there. Over the past couple years it has become more and more clear to me that some people I considered to be really good friends were more into what I was doing for them -- being there for emotional breakdowns no matter what, always ready to listen or go out, etc. -- than with being a good friend to me in turn. I've also had friends be routinely cheap on bills and then I end up picking up the slack, when often I ordered less than they did. It makes me feel terribly awkward and I never know what to say.

On the bright side, this has also led me to discover new friendships with others who are more reciprocal, and also to nurture other friendships that turn out to be stronger and, for lack of a better word, easier.

I tend to think too much about what other people are thinking or wanting, and in the past this ends up with me neglecting myself (as I would guess the other ladies posting have felt too). Lately I am consciously trying to work against this. Some of my friendships have definitely suffered as a result, but if I had to always be giving too much of myself then those can't have been great friendships anyway, right?

Generally, I think most people are nice and mean well but are focused on themselves. That's not necessarily wrong but it hurts when it's a close friend who asks a lot of you and doesn't return it.

member · Hermes

I've so been there Dizzy. I don't talk to my old best friend barely ever anymore because she is like this. It's all about what you can do for her, but she was never there for me - never went out of here way for me. I have had other friends like this and even still have a few, but I just don't consider them that great of friends. I've decided that a lot of people are just selfish and only think of themselves. I've always been the type of person that puts others before myself. I know not everyone is like that, but I can count on one hand the # of friends I know I can truly depend on.

Your'e definitely not alone sweetie.