STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

really upset with my mom **Final Update**

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

RE: really upset with my mom -- long

blubirde · Chanel

I would have lost it if I were you. It's one thing to not be willing to be a guarantor in the first place (still sh*tty) but to agree and then refuse to do it? Totally wrong. And it sucks you lost the apartment. I hope you find another one soon!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks. this does make me feel better. i was afraid i was being a total brat. i did almost lose it on friday, when this all started. my mom called me at one of my internships being all nice and sweet, and it was all i could do not to totally freak out on her. my voice was shaking as it was.

maybe i will tell her how i feel but i don't know if she'll ever see my point of view. if she doesn't, she doesn't and that's the way it is. i feel sorry for my dad, actually, because he's kind of stuck in the middle. he told me to just deal with him on this and not her, which will probably piss her off. i'm supposed to call him later to talk about it.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

i was afraid i was being a total brat.

No way. It's insane to refuse to be your guarantor on the grounds that she thinks you should be putting more effort into looking for a job. I could understand her point if you were done with school and basically just hanging out in your apartment all day, but you're in school and already working part-time... like you said, not a slouch! And job or no job, the real estate market waits for no one and the bottom line is you have to be out of your apartment in a month. So obviously you're going to focus on finding a place to live. Jeez. Grr.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

My mom did stuff like this all the time. I don't know if this is a pattern between you two or not, but I noticed in our case my mom 1) Made sure to emphasize all the things she did for me and everything I would need her for (scholarship paperwork, tax forms, official paperwork that came to their house while I was working my way through school with NO help from her whatsoever, for example). She would get really vehement if it seemed like I was in any danger of breaking away from her, or not needing her help, especially. THen 2) Once I needed her and was quite vulnerable and, since I'd counted on her word and had turned down other options for help, she would do EXACTLY THIS, drag her feet, pretend it was too much work, start acting like it was too much for me to expect, and ESPECIALLY blame ME and my supposed failings for her sudden change of heart. It took a REALLY long time to see how manipulative she was being.

I finally just stopped talking to her. Because you can only take so much from people, you know? But when I was still trying to preserve the relationship it helped to see it as all being about her fear of not being important. I read a lot about narcissism too, (which comes in varying degrees) and that helped things make more sense too.

Anyway, I don't know if this is something that happens often, or just a one-time "My baby is going out on her own..." panic. But good luck. And please remember that NO ONE ELSE is buying your mom's rationalizations.

cc · Marc Jacobs

Oh no that is so horrible! You are totally not being a brat. You weren't asking for her to pay your rent. What you were asking was a small favor considering the fact that you are obviously really responsible and wouldn't default on your lease and force her to fork the money over.

Is there any chance that it is just because she is really freaking out about something else - like maybe you and D moving in together? When I got my first apartment my dad suddenly went totally insane and got super mean and was refusing to help me move which resulted in a number of huge fights. He hadn't said anything the entire time I was looking at places or when I was buying furniture in anticipation of moving or even when I was going to sign a lease. But once I was actually ready to move in he totally flipped out and got really nasty. My mom finally figured out that he really just couldn't handle me getting my own place so soon after graduation and unfortunately that was his really unproductive way of showing that he was sad and scared.

atlgirl · Gucci

I'm so sorry, scarlett! I think your mom's behavior is childish and unacceptable.

That said, however, you *are* (were) asking her to possibly pay your rent if something happened - you didn't get a job as soon as you needed too, or other expenses (medical, etc) came up and you two ran into trouble...yes, chances are remote, but things can and do happen. So while I understand your side of things, I can see hers too - IF she'd said no from the beginning.

I agree with blubirde that it's one thing to say no in the first place, but another entirely to agree and then at "crunch time" change her mind and put you two in a hard position. I don't condone that behavior at all. And I completely sympathize with how you're feeling. My mom is / has been very difficult at times, but at least she never offers something and then tchanges her mind on a whim.

Sandy · Kate Spade

If she didn't want to do it, she should have just said no from the beginning. I'm sorry you have to go through this... I can't imagine how frustrated and disappointed you must be. My fingers are crossed that you and your boyfriend find something even better this time.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks so much for the supportive posts, everyone!

i have had some more back and forth with my parents since writing yesterday and think it should be okay now. they promised it wouldn't happen again and they'd be ready to act quickly next time. we're still sad about losing the place we loved, but are just getting right back to it and looking at more places. my mom now says she's afraid of identity theft and that's why she dragged her heels on this one, but as you all noted, it's totally crappy to do that at the critical moment when i'd thought everything was okay and they were fine with being guarantors.

i can see my mom's side, to an extent -- there is more to this, but essentially, she spent two years pushing me to go to grad school and also pushing me *hard* to not work full time. she said it was the best way for me to focus on school, and my parents have helped me financially (they said they were happy to do it and offered to do so many times before i agreed to it) so obviously they have already done a lot for me. i deeply appreciate that and tell them so all the time. but whenever i have offered to contribute more financially my mom says no way, focus on school, so that's how i got to this position. i don't want to sound ungrateful but that's the way it happened.

also, i have enough in savings so that i could cover an entire year's worth of my share of the rent even if i didn't have a job, so there was no possibility that they would need to end up paying the rent. not that i won't get a job, of course. from their end, their concerns were never about the money -- it was all identity theft and being mad the realtor asked for personal information. that's unfortunately just the way it works in real estate, at least here.

i don't know if there's more, like being upset about me still living here or moving in with D before i'm married (horrors!). if there is, neither parent will say so.

sorry to ramble on here...thanks again, it was very reassuring to read all your posts!

atlgirl · Gucci

also, i have enough in savings so that i could cover an entire year's worth of my share of the rent even if i didn't have a job, so there was no possibility that they would need to end up paying the rent. not that i won't get a job, of course. from their end, their concerns were never about the money

Well, I stand corrected. And phooey on your mom for being wishy washy. I hope she does hold true this time around so you and the BF can move on! (no pun intended).

Bastet · Kate Spade

That's awful! Your mom's behavior sounds a little passive agressive. Does your mom approve of the career you've chosen? Maybe she's upset about what you've chosen to do with your life and this is how it's manifesting itself. It seems like she could have issues with your career since she chose to complain about your job search.

Also, does your mom like your bf? Does she approve of you moving in before getting married? A lot of parents have difficulty accepting their children "living in sin" and can be quite petty about it.

I hope you and your bf find a place to live!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks. :) atlgirl, i like your pun.

my mom encouraged this career (i'm in school to be a librarian) so that's not it, and she says she likes my BF better than anyone else i've dated. i asked my dad if this was about us living together before marriage and he said no. my brother and his wife did that, so if they are secretly upset about this, i think that is really crappy. my mom's already excited about wedding planning and we're not even engaged yet. she is generally a huge, huge worrier and a very anxious person who generally looks on the negative side of things. i really love my mom but she can be very difficult, as described here. anyway, both parents have promised to act quickly next time this happens and promise it won't happen again. not to be all woe is me, but i really don't think we'll find a place as nice as the one we lost. however, we're looking hard and who knows!

squishy · Coach

it sounds like you're feeling a little better (yay!) and you have a cool dad (yay again!). hopefully your mom realizes what her waffling has cost you and your bf, and won't do it again. good luck apt-hunting!

kittenheels · Coach

RE: really upset with my mom **update**

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

RE: really upset with my mom **Final Update**

squishy · Coach

yay!! i'm so relieved and happy for you!!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

We finally got a place! I just found out a few minutes ago that we've been officially approved. It's a large one-bedroom in an area of Queens we like, close to the subway, a quick ride into Manhattan, a big kitchen that can easily fit a table, and pretty good closet space. It's also close to the work space my BF has and his sister and her family live nearby; she and her husband are a lot of fun so this will be a nice bonus. It's not as nice as the place we lost, but I do really like it, and am very relieved! I will post some pictures of it after we get moved in next month and spiff it up.

My mom started acting uptight and strange about this again yesterday and I got really nervous she was going to cause some more problems, but thankfully that didn't happen. My dad handled all the paperwork very quickly at their end and my mom didn't get involved after all.

Thanks again for listening on this one!

Are you in Astoria? I lived there for five years until I moved in with the BF. It's a really great neighborhood, very diverse. I'm so glad you found a place, and that you got it all taken care of before your mom had a chance to freak out again--congrats!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Yep, it's Astoria! I really like the neighborhood -- actually, it's a more fun neighborhood and has more going on than the area where we first wanted to live, so in balance this may be the better place.

You guys are the greatest! Seriously, it was so nice to get to talk about this on here and hear your opinions.

-- Edited by scarlett at 15:49, 2006-11-13

Mandy · Kate Spade

Yay!! I'm glad that worked out for you!! Moving can be so stressful. Now you can look forward to the fun part... decorating! Can't wait to see pictures.