STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

IF YOU ARE, OR HAVE EVER BEEN, IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP...

Kitty · Hermes

I don't have a positive opinion on long distance relationships because I was in one for 4 years and it didn't work out and it was completely and totally devastating. I truly believed that our relationship was going to be the exception and that we would make. The biggest problem, when it came right down to it, was that we didn't have an actual date for when the long distance was going to end. I felt like I couldn't go on being long distance without a very specific plan for how we were going to move closer to one another. We always talked about it being "a few years off" but then a few years passed and we were still saying it was a "few years off." We were also pretty young and weren't stable in our careers and didn't have a lot of money - which also complicated a lot of things (doesn't really sound like these things are issues for you though!).

Anyway, sorry to be Debbie Downer, but that's just been my experience with a LDR...

ETA: I'm feeling kind of bad about this negative post. I do think LDRs can work, they just didn't for me and it's been a huge regret of mine and sore spot for me ever since that break-up. Yours does sound very promising and I wish you the best of luck!

-- Edited by Kitty at 16:31, 2006-10-24

NCshopper · Hermes

4 years ago, I could have written your post.

DH and I started dating in August of '02 when he was in San Diego and I was in NC. He flew out for a week in September, I flew out there for a weekend in October and then I was at home for two weeks in December for Christmas break and that's when we got engaged (I know--completely ridiculous). He flew out in March for my Spring Break and again in May when I graduated and then he moved out here with me in July and we were married that December.

The whole thing was (obviously) very fast, but we just both knew. It's hard to explain. Plus, we had some things working in our favor that I hadn't had in another failed long distance relationship. 1) You have to trust each other. 2) You have to be pretty independent--you can hang out at home wishing he would call and you can't not have a social life just because he isn't there. 3) We were on the same page about the relationship--we were both committed to each other for the long haul. 4) You have to have good communication. Little things have a very easy way of turning into bigger things when you aren't near each other.

So anyway, yes, there is hope. And it sounds like you guys have a lot of the fundamentals down, which is good. I think one of the good things that came out of doing long distance first was that we were able to really see that we got along well, had the same values, and were good at communicating with each other.

Mandy · Kate Spade

I had a really similar experience to NCShopper's. I was in Atlanta and my ex was in San Diego. The distance wasn't that bad for a lot the reasons NC listed. We were apart for about 2 years before we got engaged. Our problem was that we didn't live in the same city long enough before we got married. You get used to one relationship dynamic and it *may* change when you live closer together. My advice would be to spend time living in the same city before making maritial committments. Real life time isn't always the same as vacation time.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Your relationship sounds really promising and like it could definitely work out. Like someone else pointed out, it's good to have an end in sight for the long distance, and you two have already discussed being in the same place within one to two years. I agree that you should be in the same place for a while before making a more serious committment to each other.

In college, I was in a long distance relationship with my high school sweetheart. Eventually I transferred to his college and we did break up our senior year, but not because of the distance -- we just weren't right for each other. But I was glad I transferred, even though we didn't work out, because I would rather have learned that then from being with him full time as opposed to keeping on dating from a distance.

It sounds like you have a great start to this relationship!

lynnie · Chanel

thanks girls! No, I don't even think we'd live together if he moved here, for example, for at least a while. I agree that it would be an adjustment, and I would want for him to have a life here outside of me (or vice versa ). No rush to get married, i'm very young, but obv. its a possibility somewhere down the line. Keep the stories coming!

subwolley · Kate Spade

My boyfriend and I started out in a long distance relationship, and we've now been together for almost 10 years. We are not married, nor are we in a big hurry to get married.

I don't know what to tell you regarding "will it last." I think it depends on if you guys are commited and on the same level to make it work. Constant communication is necessary.

-- Edited by subwolley at 18:18, 2006-10-24

cat · Marc Jacobs

I have been in two long distance realtionship,one of them I am in right now.

The first one ended horribly,but I believe it would have ended that way even if he lived in the same state.

The one I am in now he only lives four hours away from me so it isn't that bad.As the other girls said communication is really the key for it to work. I think that is true of any relationship though long distance or not. I think this relationship I am in is working out well so far becuase of the fact we talk almost every day and not only do we talk every day,but I feel I can tell him anything that is bothering me and he will be their for and not judge me. Also I think it helps that I know in about a year or so I will move closer to him and go to a college near him to work on my masters degree. so we will actually be together some day.

erin · Chanel

well my husband and i were only ld for three months before he moved in with me, but for about the first five years of our relationship, he was always traveling for his job. sometimes i would only see him once a month, or even less at times. it worked because like ncshopper said, we both trust each other and are very independent people. now that he works in the area, i almost see too much of him!

calichic · Dooney & Bourke

Well, I am in a LDR right now and I think that it is working out as well as it could. We are on different coasts, but really are making an effort to see each other once a month. It is expensive, but I feel like it is worth it. We were in the same city for a year before he moved. I think that it is working out well because we have a set date on when we won't be LD anymore and are completely committed to one another. We talk frequently, however, we are both busy with our own lives and so don't talk as much as we used to (hours upon hours). I think that as long as both people are willing to make it work it will.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I'm not sure what will wind up happening with me and my LD bf but if things don't work out I really don't think the distance will be the cause. I think as long as there is some end in sight, the distance is just a minor barrier that requires you to focus on other aspects of a relationship and to get a little more creative.

Aside from the day-to-day frustration of the distance the main problem I'm facing is that moving forward in a long-distance relationship is more difficult and just so foreign to me. My bf just invited me to go live with him, which is pretty awesome and even the possibility put on the table made me really happy. Of course this is not something I would ever rush into because it would mean giving up my whole life. Obviously taking steps like this involves a lot of thought anyway but I feel like it is a much bigger leap of faith when the two people don't even live in the same city/state/country.

It sounds like you have a good foundation already. My only tips, most of which you seem to have covered are: be independent, be confident and trusting, have some vague idea of what your future is together (like when and how might you two finally be in the same city) but be happy with the present situation, try to always look at the travelling as a good opportunity and never as a burden.

-- Edited by cc at 23:15, 2006-10-24

luckylily · Gucci

My DH and I are also a long distance success story. When we met I was in Seattle and he was in Ontario. We made an effort to see each other every 6 weeks. Also, from the get go we sort of set a timeline for ending the long distance. We basically decided that if in a year we were still together he would move out West. In our case it made sense for him to move because he hated his job and I loved mine. I think it would have been much harder if the long distance thing had been open ended.

We talked or emailed every day. I agree w/ others that you have to have a lot of trust. Also, you can't allow yourself to be jeolous. You have to accept that he is going to be out having fun with other friends, and you won't always be able to be there to be enjoying those good times.

You seem to really have a solid foundation. And, from what I can tell you are a pretty independant person. That will help too.