STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lovelygirl · Kenneth Cole

Help Me Not to Feel Like a Horrible Person

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I think a lot of people get to a point where they are with the one they are going to be with, realize the fact and are not yet engaged all the while finding themselves surrounded with friends who are engaged. It doesn't make you a petty horrible person.

I also think that the fact that you two know what obstacles you have to overcome makes you a stong couple and a smart couple. Lately, I feel like too many couples I know are too busy following the model they think they are supposed to be following, instead of what is actually best for them.

I have a friend who rushed into marriage and a few who rushed children. I hope it works out for all of them, but I'm not sure it will.

The good news is that you can acknowledge that you have these feelings so they don't leak out at an inappropriate time.

There really isn't a way to curb the engagement urgency until you completely accept that it's the best.

-gd

Kelly · Hermes

You don't have to feel like a horrible person. I agree with greendiamond, I think that you guys are being smart. The few years (or even just a year) that you're putting in now to work through things and build a solid foundation before you get married will really pay off. You have your whole life to be married to him - chugging along for another year will make those years a lot more stable and you'll know how much you can rely on each other. I know it sucks. It's hard to get over the engagement envy. But you've found yourself an great guy - you're doing the right thing to make sure everything you two have is amazing and wonderful as well. You guys will be stronger for it.

atlgirl · Gucci

Remember that it's not a race...I hope it works out for all your friends, but I think we all have known someone who quickly married and then was miserable...or just as quickly divorced. You and your BF are very smart to make sure you have things figured out beforehand, as much as you can.

IMO there is no "requisite 1-2 years". Sometimes that's enough, and sometimes it's not...everyone has to proceed at their own pace. :)

When it's your turn, won't you want your friends - single or married - to feel that happiness for you? Of course! You're not a bad person for how you feel now - we all have feelings of envy and/or resentment from time to time. Just try to put yourself aside a little, and truly be glad for them, as much as you can. And when your own engagement comes, savor every wonderful moment of it, just as your friends are doing now, and enjoy the love and support they will give back to you.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I totally understand your situation. The BF and I are going on 6 years (with no break-ups or major issues), I am 30 and we still are not engaged. All of my college friends are married now and most have children. Whenever I start to feel jealous or resentful I just think of how lucky I am to have found him and I know that we are going to get married. If you feel the need to have some piece of mind you can do what I did: not an ultimatum. I just told the BF over dinner one day that I had to know if he planned to marry me someday or we could not continue our relationship (it had been almost 5 years at that point). He said he knows he is going to marry me, but he wanted to do a few things before an engagement and I totally respect that. I just told him that he had to promise to marry before I am 35 (at which point we would be together 11 years). That totally cracked him up and he put a big smile on his face and said, "I totally won't make you wait until your 35". I always think of this when those feelings start to surface and they go away immediately. Good luck!!

Kitty · Hermes

I sort of relate. I dont' really feel any jealousy or bitterness toward my friends who have gotten married, but I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I'm kind of starting to wonder where the heck the ring is. It's more like I want him to just take that next step and get me the freakin' ring already! He said he'd propose by the end of 2006...and hello? there's only two months left!!

jacL · Coach

I know where you are coming from. I have been dating R for 7.5 years and we talk about getting married but are not engaged yet. It only just recently started bothering me (and not all of the time, either) because one of my good friends just got married and one of his good friends is getting married in the Spring. His friend getting married is the one that really pushed me over. It was one thing for my friend, but his--a different story.

What keeps me sane about it is that I know we have an awesome bond and plan to spend our lives together but have other things to accomplish first (paying off debt/saving for an engagement ring and wedding) and shouldn't feel rushed when we are only in our 20s. I think it is great that you two are thinking things through before moving on with marriage. Your marriage will be even stronger.