STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

Let's talk about sex

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Hmmm... I guess I only have two tips:

1) Focus on it. And plan for it. Like, mention during the day that you're planning to grab him when you get home. Get kind of specific about what and where this is going down. Think about it several times during the day, really give yourself a great fantasy of how it'll be. Maybe send him a flirty text so he is too. By the time you get the chance to be with him you'll be all about it...

2) Deal with the little things. If I get mad at someone, I hold back and sex is awful. This is also a problem if I'm not sure someone is really thinking about me. For example, there was one thing my ex kept insisting on doing that hurt and I didn't like and he would "forget" EVERY time. It wasn't a big deal. It was just his way of changing position. But it got to the point that I didn't want thim to touch me at all because I couldn't trust him to LISTEN.

Elle · Hermes

IMO, the transition from 'sexy new sex' to 'comfortable sex' is much worse than actually being solidly in the 'comfortable sex' stage. Keeping that in mind is usefull in and of itself, because otherwise the accompanying funk can make you think really bad, discouraged thoughts about the relationship itself.

In my experience, I've found adding things has been much more satisfying in the long term than changing things, if that makes sense. Same-old sex is still same-old sex if you do it in bed or in the shower or on the patio - it's a one time fix (even if it is a fun one). Adding to the bag o' tricks however, and you'll have many, ever-accumulating tricks to draw upon in any situation you please. Break the mold, if you've fallen into a rut, and instead of doing 1 then 2 then 3 every time, start experimenting with each other until you both find some new things to do that you like and want to incorporate into the repertoire. If you have a selection of, say, 10 things that you like, you obviously have many more combinations with which to work than if you only have 3 things you like. If you just agree to try new things for awhile, eventually you'll run into a few that really rock your world, and can be noted for later repeating.

Um, that was longer than I meant it to be !

blubirde · Chanel

Elle wrote:

In my experience, I've found adding things has been much more satisfying in the long term than changing things, if that makes sense. Same-old sex is still same-old sex if you do it in bed or in the shower or on the patio - it's a one time fix (even if it is a fun one). Adding to the bag o' tricks however, and you'll have many, ever-accumulating tricks to draw upon in any situation you please. Break the mold, if you've fallen into a rut, and instead of doing 1 then 2 then 3 every time, start experimenting with each other until you both find some new things to do that you like and want to incorporate into the repertoire. If you have a selection of, say, 10 things that you like, you obviously have many more combinations with which to work than if you only have 3 things you like. If you just agree to try new things for awhile, eventually you'll run into a few that really rock your world, and can be noted for later repeating.

I think this is a good idea but I'm not terribly creative. Maybe I need a book, ha! (Lame Gilmore Girls reference.)

I definitely think we're into the comfortable sex phase. I mean it's always good and it always accomplishes its goal, if you catch my drift but... I'm not sure if I know how to describe it. It's like you're friendly all day long (hey, listen to me make bodily function noises - him, hey, look how i can barely ride a bicycle without falling over - me, etc., etc., etc.) but then at the end of the day, how do you recapture some of the romance - without making it a big production - so it becomes something more than just comfortable sex?

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense....

Dizzy - I'm with you on the thinking about it all day and talking about it. I definitely do stuff like that, but I guess I'm talking about more habitual things as opposed to one really good session. Although maybe just a few good sessions every now and then are good enough to make the rest seem more exciting?

Elle · Hermes

Well, as much as I hate to say it, it's not new anymore. Eventually, there is no more new to be had.

New sex is great because it's new, not necessarily because it's great sex, ya know? Not saying that it can't also be that, but it takes some of the pressure off the act itself to determine the greatness. New is exciting because it's unknown. Later, the intimacy of day-to-day life together makes all the unknown, known. You start to be able to anticipate your partners actions/feelings ahead of time, that includes in the bedroom, which accounts for the lack of newness.

*so sorry I'm just musing here. trying to get back on track. been talking to our lender/realtor about a big mold fiasco that could hold up our closing and it's gotten me out of the headspace I was in when I started this. how much farther can you from sex than mold?!*

So, be unpredictable to each other. Doesn't require massive creativity necessarily. Give him a little grab while you're making dinner. Use a blindfold. Do massages first. Watch a little sum' sum' either together or apart to get the mind working. Use lube. Try a slightly different position. Buy new sexy undies. Whatever you're into and comfortable with, just be a little bit suprising.

Since you're not changing the guy anymore, you have to change the sex instead, yes?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I'm glad this thread got started because I am totally in the same place right now! The good thing about comfortable sex is the freedom to try and do and say anything, as long as both people are okay with it. Watching a little sum'n sum'n can be a fun little added spice, or even dressing up...ahem. I'll just say my BF has a thing for uniforms.

halah · Kenneth Cole

Once I get more comfortable with a guy I like trying to figure out what turns them on, what they like, sometimes guys are scared of telling you and don't be afraid to tell them what you like or what you'd like to try.

This is almost embarressing but my last long serious relationship he loved for me to talk dirty...not really my thing but hey the reaction I got out of him when I did it made it worth it and he loved that I wanted to please him. I would have never done that at first...but it spiced things up later in the relationship.

Change things up! My current boyfriend is a little more shy and I am trying to figure out new things that he likes, I tried lacy lingirie, short skirts...finally one night I happened to be wearing a pair of knee-high boots when I came to visit...and those drove him crazy, he loves girls in boots...so I learned a new way to excite him, and now have an excuse to do some more boot shopping ;)

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

blubirde wrote:

It's like you're friendly all day long (hey, listen to me make bodily function noises - him, hey, look how i can barely ride a bicycle without falling over - me, etc., etc., etc.) but then at the end of the day, how do you recapture some of the romance - without making it a big production - so it becomes something more than just comfortable sex?

It sounds like you need good romance, not just good sex. I think this is a uniquely female need... men can happily fart one minute and be thinking about cleavage the next. It's more important for us to get "in the mood." I struggle with this in my marriage, too, because humor is the overriding tone of our relationship, and I really can't transition from funny to sexy at the flip of a switch.

Honestly, candlelight dinners work wonders. They really do, and the meal does not have to be fancy. Lighting candles at dinner is what "adults" do, so it's a mental note for both of you to turn the conversation from "My feet really stink today" to subjects that are more serious/deep/romantic/whatever.

Other little things like picking up the bedroom and using linen spray can also help you feel more romantic, and thus more sexy. I would suggest watching romantic movies, too, if your significant other isn't the type that makes fun of the mushy, kissy parts like my DH. I have to resort to other tactics....

And also dress hot around the house every once in a while. Not lingere necessarily, but clothes you know you look good in, instead of jumping into pj bottoms as soon as you get in the door (which I what I often do). Guys tend to act more serious around girls that look sophisticated, so maybe looking cute at home will change the dynamics enough for you to get it on easier.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I had one relationship that lasted 9 months, and frankly, the sex got comfortable, but never, ahem, boring, or routine. Part of this may have been that I had raging hormones at that point, but it was also the very fact that is WAS so comfortable. Like someone else mentioned, I felt freer to do whatever I felt like doing. I also enjoyed public places, slightly inappropriate groping at somewhat inappropriate times (again, raging hormones), being playful...plus the chemistry was just amazing from the very beginning, and that never went away. I guess thinking back, it really came down to the chemistry. Anywho, I think the best advice I can give is be "voracious." Whatever that means to you - forward, aggressive, adventurous, surprising, etc. And have fun!!!!

blubirde · Chanel

Eurodaisy wrote:

blubirde wrote:

It's like you're friendly all day long (hey, listen to me make bodily function noises - him, hey, look how i can barely ride a bicycle without falling over - me, etc., etc., etc.) but then at the end of the day, how do you recapture some of the romance - without making it a big production - so it becomes something more than just comfortable sex?

It sounds like you need good romance, not just good sex. I think this is a uniquely female need... men can happily fart one minute and be thinking about cleavage the next. It's more important for us to get "in the mood." I struggle with this in my marriage, too, because humor is the overriding tone of our relationship, and I really can't transition from funny to sexy at the flip of a switch.

Honestly, candlelight dinners work wonders. They really do, and the meal does not have to be fancy. Lighting candles at dinner is what "adults" do, so it's a mental note for both of you to turn the conversation from "My feet really stink today" to subjects that are more serious/deep/romantic/whatever.

Other little things like picking up the bedroom and using linen spray can also help you feel more romantic, and thus more sexy. I would suggest watching romantic movies, too, if your significant other isn't the type that makes fun of the mushy, kissy parts like my DH. I have to resort to other tactics....

And also dress hot around the house every once in a while. Not lingere necessarily, but clothes you know you look good in, instead of jumping into pj bottoms as soon as you get in the door (which I what I often do). Guys tend to act more serious around girls that look sophisticated, so maybe looking cute at home will change the dynamics enough for you to get it on easier.

Yes! This is it exactly. I like the idea of a candlelight dinner, although it might be hard to convince the boy to do it. I'm sure I can work some magic on that one...

Thanks for the tips!