STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

gypsyfreak · Coach

Feeling confused and conflicted

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Go with your gut. Womens intuiton is usually right on.

I think you nailed it on the head when you said he was "projecting" his feelings of wanting to settle down onto you.

HTH, Keep us posted!

squishy · Coach

with the exception of your acquaintance 'intervening,' i was in your situation with my recent ex.

he was into getting married and settling in the burbs. and me? well, 1. i wasn't ready to settle and 2. honestly, i couldn't see myself with him in the long run.

after about 2 years, though, i really had to do something. i truly cared for him, and didn't want to see him hurt. but i couldn't let it go on, you know? i was wasting my time, but more importantly, i felt like i was wasting his... and i was leading him on to believe we had a future.

i echo alliegurl. go with your gut. it sounds like you have your hesitations, and most likely, these hesitations will snowball into big concerns.

good luck! don't beat yourself up about it. it's not your fault you don't share his feelings and life plans...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

When a girl who hasn't even dated the guy in question, and has no reason to intervene, says it's a no go, I LISTEN. Actually, even if she has dated him, I tend to listen too. There are probably some girls out there who get mad at a guy and say bad things about him. But even if she's being unreasonable, he was still enough of an ass to drive her crazy. So why would I want him?

So anyway, for me, a warning from another girl is a HUGE red flag. Another red flag is the guy who has the scenario of a perfect life, and just needs to plug in the girl. These boys tend to get demanding and critical much faster than you'd think. Yet ANOTHER red flag is his SEVEN year relatonship with someone who is MARRIED. This is a guy who is NOT taking responsibility for his actions, and who does not take marriage seriously. I would guess that he's using some variation of "I wasnt' married, I only wanted to LUV her..." to excuse himself and pretend he was just mr. wonderful through it all. When really he was screwing someone else's wife. People make mistakes. But they don't usually keep making them for SEVEN YEARS.

Plus, the best you've been able to say about him is that he's not that bad. Do you really need this in your life right now? I think hte bored-but-whatever relationships tend to be much more trouble than they're worth...

Anyway, for what it's worth, I think this boy has trouble written all over him. Let me guess, he's not that cute, but he has a lot of friends and he's in a stable position and so looks like seemingly decent boyfriend material? Hate this one. It's hard to have a reason to throw him back, because he seems decent on paper. But, really, is he that much of a catch?

gypsyfreak · Coach

Thanks for the advice girls.

I was really hesitant about dating him in the beginning because I wasn't that interested at all. Right now, it also seems like everything is going too fast and too soon. He's already discussing the "future" with me, while I can't see anything else beyond the next two weeks. I'd prefer to take my time to see how the relationship develops and it doesn't feel that way at all.

Dizzy, everything you've said about him is absolutely correct. When I look at him objectively, he really isn't that much of a catch. A part of me kind of wishes that we remained just friends, but what's done is done. I don't think I'm into him as he is into me, however, I don't want to hurt him and I can easily see myself doing that to him.

He's said that he's made a lot of mistakes in the past which he regrets, but he now wants to move forward and see how our relationship turns out. I honestly believe that he is sincere about this. I feel like I shouldn't do anything rash at this moment and that I need to think about this a bit more before I do something I may regret later. I have to say though that I feel a bit trapped in this relationship.

Kelly · Hermes

I know you like him, and want to give him a chance, but feeling trapped this early on is never a good thing. If you stay with him, will it just be because you get used to feeling trapped and decide you can deal with it? That's not good. Or healthy. I just think you could find so many other amazing guys for you, why settle for someone you have to talk yourself into?

NCshopper · Hermes

Let's play a quick game of pretend. Pretend you were dating a guy who described you as: not much of a catch, not that bad, and not as into you as you were into him and the only reason he was dating you was to give you a chance. Wouldn't you feel like he was wasting your time? I say, let this guy go and let him move on to find someone who really thinks he's a catch.

You deserve someone who you think is a catch; someone that you like just as much as they like you and someone that you're excited to see at the end of the day. Regardless of whether or not this guy is sincere about changing, one thing is for sure: he's on the marriage/long-term commitment track and he's glommed on to you and is envisioning a future with you. I think you can do better.

Mandy · Kate Spade

I just recently went out with someone that after a week of dating was clearly WAY more into me than I was him. I kept telling him I wanted to take things slow and he said he did too but his actions indicated otherwise. I finally told him that I wasn't ready to say I wasn't going to date other people and that things were moving too fast. I thought maybe we could keep hanging out, but I haven't heard from him in a week. Maybe if you make it really clear you don't want the same thing right now, he will decide for himself to move on. Then you can feel a little better about not hurting him because it will seem like more of his decision.

If that doesn't work, I would let him go. If you continue to see him if and you aren't that interested, you may try to convince yourself you like him more than you do. If its not there, its not there and better to walk away now than after you have invested more time into it.

janey831 · Kate Spade

I hope everything works out for you. You're a smart woman, you'll do what's best for yourself!

blubirde · Chanel

Mandy wrote:

I just recently went out with someone that after a week of dating was clearly WAY more into me than I was him. I kept telling him I wanted to take things slow and he said he did too but his actions indicated otherwise. I finally told him that I wasn't ready to say I wasn't going to date other people and that things were moving too fast. I thought maybe we could keep hanging out, but I haven't heard from him in a week. Maybe if you make it really clear you don't want the same thing right now, he will decide for himself to move on. Then you can feel a little better about not hurting him because it will seem like more of his decision.

If that doesn't work, I would let him go. If you continue to see him if and you aren't that interested, you may try to convince yourself you like him more than you do. If its not there, its not there and better to walk away now than after you have invested more time into it.

ITA with Mandy. Tell him you're not ready to be serious but you want to keep seeing him to see where it goes. If he sticks around, you can figure out if he's good for you or not. If he doesn't or tries to pressure you, you know your answer.

Good luck!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

It sounds to me like the main reason you're still dating him is you don't want to hurt his feelings -- not that he's really fun, or sweet, or whatever. And you already feel trapped, which is not good. My suggestion is to end it as nicely yet firmly as possible.

Having been in this situation before myself, nice yet firm is the only way it's worked, at least for me. If he's projecting long-term committment desires onto you, he may also project onto anything else short of "we can't be involved." Like, he may think "I can change her mind!" or "she'll come around!"