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Post Info TOPIC: How do I deal with my BF's brother? Advice please! (long)
Kelly


Hermes

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How do I deal with my BF's brother? Advice please! (long)
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Okay, so randomly the other day my BF's little brother sent me a message online. Keep in mind I've met the guy like twice - I had dinner with BF's family once and once my BF brought me to his parents' house for something else and his little brother was there. His little brother is about 18, he just went away to college this year. This is how our conversation has gone over the past couple days:

-----------------

Little Brother: Hi.

Me: Hi!

LB: How art thou and my weird brother as of late?

Me: Well I am quite well, and last I heard your brother is still alive also.
[okay, I know that's random but I felt like he was trying to ask how we are as a couple, and I didn't feel comfortable discussing my relationship with him so I tried to keep it light and silly]
How are you? Do you miss home yet? :)

LB: Ah, living is good. I'm doing ok, not really homesick though. So how do you put up with my brother? I'm curious...

Me: haha that's a loaded question.

maybe he's really just my arch nemesis and I keep him around until I can attack
[this is me still trying to avoid the question...also, this was where it was left last night and when I talked to my BF last night, I mentioned that his brother sent me a message really randomly and seemed interested in our relationship. I read him the messages and BF said I was reading too much into it.]

LB: Perhaps... Keep your friends close and enemies closer... But no, I'm not trying to interrogate you or something I'm just curious. I mean, the [BF] I know is boring and devoid of personality most of the time. I wonder if you've had to put up with that, or whether you actually like it or something..

Me: Of course I actually like him. I wouldn't put so much energy into someone I didn't think was so completely worth it. I'm kind of not sure what you expect me to say? I wouldn't date him and want him to take up so much of my life if he wasn't amazing. He's your own brother for pete's sake!

LB: I'm just hoping that you really know [BF]. Not just [BF's fun nickname], but the boring personalityless [BF] that I've lived with for years. It's possible that he may not act like this around you, and that he may never. But it's also possible that he will. He is my brother and I love him, but that doesn't mean I'll glaze over the fact that I don't know who could put up with the somtimes vapid and bullheaded [BF] that I know.
What I'm trying to convey is that I know the side of [BF] that most people don't see, and it's boring as all hell sometimes. So I'm hoping that you're not surprised if he ever acts like that around you and you think it sucks. It is not my intention to demean your ability to have a relationship with him at all; I just want to throw my advice of 18 years in the ring. It's just advice however, and what you do with it is up to you.
[BF] is happy, and being my brother I hope he can stay that way. And even though I don't really know you, I hope you'll be happy too.

Me: Um, I guess thanks for the advice? But as much as I'm sure you have your reasons for your opinions, please don't tell me all of this anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable because I'm not entirely sure how to respond to opinions I so vehemently disagree with. Your brother means the world to me so having you say all of this is kind of unnerving. I'm not trying to sound bitchy, but I can't think of a better way to say that...

LB: That's fine. Well I'm glad you're happy with him, and I hope you both continue to be so. I'll shutup now.. haha.

------------

So this is my question:
1) how was I even supposed to react to this? Should I have done something differently? It was so weird and random and uncomfortable. If it was one of my friends I would be upfront and tell them it was hurting my feelings and that I was angry they were insulting my BF directly to me. But this is his own brother, for crying out loud! I shouldn't have to defend someone to their own brother, and I also didn't want to be prickly and get in bad with any member of BF's family

2) Am I supposed to tell BF about all of this? I personally would probably rather be kept in the dark if my brother was talking to BF this way about me. It would crush me to hear something like this from one of my own brothers. BF is on bad terms with his brother, though, and it already causes him a lot of anguish. But BF already knows that we've been messaging back and forth...what if he asks if I got any more message from his brother today? At that point, to keep it from him would be lying, not simply ommission. And if he confronts his brother, his brother will immediately be angry with me for telling BF, and I'll be on bad terms with a member of BF's family which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place.

Help! Sorry this was so long...

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Farrah


Marc Jacobs

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What a total oddball


I would tell the BF everything that LB said.  You do not want any odd secrets coming back to haunt you or worse, ruin your relationship.  Good luck!



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twinkle


Coach

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what a jerk! this is so inappropriate! i think you handled it well but i wouldn't engage with him further if he tries this again. and i agree that you should mention it to your BF, maybe not the entire play by play but he should know the general idea of what happened.

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luckylily


Gucci

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That's one of the strangest things I've heard in a while.  LilBro sounds really immature to me.  Thank god most of us don't have our families pointing out our flaws to our significant others!  If they are already on bad terms, it may be that LB was just trying to cause trouble for hour BF or is just generally be vicious.


I think you should mention it to BF just to be sure your covered if it comes up in the future.



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NCshopper


Hermes

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Wow.  Sounds like little bro there has some issues!  Geez!


Anyway, I think you handled the situation as best you could.  That's super weird that he did that and it sounds like it came out of the blue, which would have totally caught me off guard.  But you handled it well.  If it comes up again in the future, which I hope it doesn't, I'd just react very calmly and cooly and say something along the lines of "I certainly understand you have your opinions and you have your reasons.  I have my own opinions and reasons for loving/liking BF just the way he is" and leave it at that. 


As far as what to tell your BF if he asks, you could just say "Yeah, he IMed me some more, but I thought the whole thing felt weird, so I asked him not talk about our relationship anymore." 


I'm still really confused about why little bro has such a problem with his brother being boring.  Who cares???  As long as he's a good guy and you like him, then what's the problem with boring?  He's acting as though boring were in line with an abuser or something. 



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atlgirl


Gucci

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Oh, he's an idiot. Then again, he's eighteen and who *isn't* an idiot about things at eighteen?

Reading that exchange makes me suspect he might have some non-brotherly interest in you. Otherwise why talk to you just to put his brother down like that? If it's not that, then I say he's just an idiot. What a pointless exchange! I'm impressed that you tolerated the whole thing. I'd be seriously pissed if DH's sister called me up and started bitching about her brother!!

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AllieGurl


Marc Jacobs

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What the hell!!!

I totally started laughing when I read that - who does this kid think he is ? Dr ruth?

he is just a kid who thinks he knows everyting and MAYBE he also has a bit of a crush on you or something to make him act like such an idiot...

I would tell your BF, since you trust each other tell him in a joking manner. If you dont Little bro might think you are keeping secrets from bf ...

Just my 2 cents ...

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Kelly


Hermes

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I guess you guys are right, I need to tell my BF. I'm just not looking forward to it, because I know it'll upset him. Ugh. Hopefully I'll be able to get by with just a very small overview of the conversation and leave it at that. NCShopper, I think your little one-sentence script there is perfect. Hopefully I can use that without him wanting to pry too much deepter! I'm afraid that LB is just trying to cause trouble with my BF because they're on bad terms right now, and I'm afraid that I'm playing right into his plan. I mean, I still need to tell BF. He would definitely be upset if he found out later on that I kept all of this from him. I'm just pissed the LB even had to create this situation. Thanks for the overwhelming vote to tell him. I wasn't sure and it's good to hear so many people agreeing.

I don't think it's that his brother has a crush on me, because he has his own girlfriend. Plus, I haven't seen his brother in like two months. It'd be a random time to develop a crush. Now that I think the point comes up, though, I know that a major point of contention between them is LB's girlfriend, because BF doesn't think she's good for him. Maybe LB is just trying to return the sour feelings.


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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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ttara123 wrote:

Now that I think the point comes up, though, I know that a major point of contention between them is LB's girlfriend, because BF doesn't think she's good for him. Maybe LB is just trying to return the sour feelings.

I just saw this thread, and what you said here sheds a lot more light on it... I think that's exactly what it was. Plus he's a teenage jerk acting like a teenage jerk. It sounds like you handled it really well, though, and I agree that mentioning it without going into detail is the right way to handle it. Hope he leaves you alone after this!

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blubirde


Chanel

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sephorablue wrote:


ttara123 wrote:

Now that I think the point comes up, though, I know that a major point of contention between them is LB's girlfriend, because BF doesn't think she's good for him. Maybe LB is just trying to return the sour feelings.

I just saw this thread, and what you said here sheds a lot more light on it... I think that's exactly what it was. Plus he's a teenage jerk acting like a teenage jerk. It sounds like you handled it really well, though, and I agree that mentioning it without going into detail is the right way to handle it. Hope he leaves you alone after this!

ITA. I think you did the right thing and I'm with everyone else in saying that the little brother is a definite weirdo. It's to be expected at 18 but still... Good luck with telling your BF. I hope it goes smoothly.

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Kelly


Hermes

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Thanks, guys! I know this LB is only 18, but I'd like to think me and my friends weren't so out of our minds and creepy when we were 18! At any rate, yesterday I was just chatting with BF and mentioned "oh hey, you know how I told you your brother was sending me those messages and you said I was reading too much into it? Well, he kept messaging me and asking about our relationship. He kept wanting to know why I liked you so much, but it was really weird so I asked him to stop because I didn't want to talk to him about us." That was basically the jist of it. BF thought it was weird and asked how many messages LB sent me, but didn't ask for any more information or want to see them or anything. So that was good. So now he knows...but I didn't have to reveal any heart-breaking information, which is what I was worried about.

I feel a lot better, though, not keeping this from him!

-- Edited by ttara123 at 14:24, 2006-10-14

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