STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maat · Kenneth Cole

How long do you usually wait before sleeping with someone?

kenzie · Chanel

First of all, let me say that if a guy doesn't want to date you after a month because you didn't sleep with him, he needs to start thinking with the correct brain. And if a guy really cares about you, he'll wait until you're ready, no matter what.

Now, about me. I have no patience. I can't wait. The longest I've waited in recent history (which is actually quite long for me) was with McStubborn. I think we had been hanging out/seeing each other/whatever for about a month before we slept together. It really is a case by case, person by person scenario.

ETA: I'm not sure how to answer the poll b/c it's not a cut and dry answer for me.

-- Edited by kenzie at 20:10, 2006-10-09

Maat · Kenneth Cole

kenzie wrote:

First of all, let me say that if a guy doesn't want to date you after a month because you didn't sleep with him, he needs to start thinking with the correct brain. And if a guy really cares about you, he'll wait until you're ready, no matter what.

-- Edited by kenzie at 20:10, 2006-10-09

This is the stance I've always taken as well. However, after a long string of failed relationships, I'm starting to second-guess myself.

kenzie · Chanel

Maat wrote:

This is the stance I've always taken as well. However, after a long string of failed relationships, I'm starting to second-guess myself.

Well, I too, have had a long stint of failed relationships and I generally don't wait that long. I think it's that we're dating the wrong men.

luckylily · Gucci

Before I was married, I didn't have any hard and fast rules. Totally depends on the guy and how I feel at the time. I voted Immediately only because I'm okay w/ immediately if it feels right for your.

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

luckylily wrote:

Before I was married, I didn't have any hard and fast rules. Totally depends on the guy and how I feel at the time. I voted Immediately only because I'm okay w/ immediately if it feels right for your.

I agree and voted immediately, too. I'm married now, but I have to admit that I was never one to wait long (if I really liked the guy).

lynnie · Chanel

i'm okay with immediately- for the right guy. i think you can also wait with the right guy though too. I can see something fizzling out though if i'm still unsure of someone and after a month we haven't really done too much sexually. I bet a lot of guys think similarly. You probably just haven't met the right one. I personally don't see a reason to "test" a guy by holding out, just to see if they'll stick around. If you don't want to, then don't, but if you do, then do. I think you can tell if a guy will stick around or not, and it doesn't have all that much to do with sex.

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

lynnie wrote:

I personally don't see a reason to "test" a guy by holding out, just to see if they'll stick around. If you don't want to, then don't, but if you do, then do. I think you can tell if a guy will stick around or not, and it doesn't have all that much to do with sex.

I totally agree with this. I'm married, and hubby and I were sleeping with each other from the get-go. But I could tell that he was really in to me right away, and I felt the same way about him. It was a safe, secure relationship from the beginning.

Mandy · Kate Spade

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one in the immediately boat. I don't usually wait too long, but a friend of mine said that maybe thats why my relationships aren't working. She thinks the sex is screwing things up, I think I'm just picking the wrong guys.

Kelly · Hermes

I voted 2 months, because it seems to be the average for me. However...I've only slept with two people because I have a medical condition and up until about a year and a half ago my doctor didn't want me taking birth control, and I was just too scared to have sex with only a condom because I know a few friends who got pregnant that way.

The first guy I slept with was about a month into our relationship, but we'd been friends for much longer. My current BF actually was the one who wanted to wait when we started dating, and we didn't have sex until about 4 months into it. I can't say it wasn't a tedious 4 months, but he was worth it to me and to tell the truth I think he's inspired me to wait in further relationships. I think the wait actually helped us a great deal and our relationship is stronger because of that. I know that sounds sappy, but it's true. And recently I had a small pregnancy scare - it wasn't enormous (although I'm crossing my fingers that my period comes tomorrow so I can finally put this whole thing to rest!), but obviously anything like that is going to be really scary. I can't imagine going through that with a guy I just started dating.

Before I slept with these guys, though, I told everyone right off the bat that there was a medical reason we couldn't have sex so they should basically expect that we never will. Only one person ever broke up with me over that, and more than a few stuck around for quite a long time. I wasn't trying to "test" anyone, but that's kind of what it became anyway. I've seen guy friends be made to wait by the girls they're dating, and the ones who were willing to stick around even without sex were all pretty okay with it. Whether or not they ended up ever having sex with their girlfriends (some are waiting until marriage, so the guys won't get it for a long time), all of the relationships lasted/have been lasting a very long time. I think that's because to these guys, the girls are so special that they were worth any wait, or no sex altogether. Of course the relationships would've lasted just as long if they'd had sex on the first night, because it was the girlfriends' amazingness that kept them around. But I've also seen guy friends break up with girls because they wanted to wait, and you just know that those relationships wouldn't have lasted long anyway because the women obviously weren't that important to the guys if having sex was more important than being with her. I mean, I guess if a woman really wanted to she could use it as a kind of test of how devoted the guy is to her. That's not why I want to wait, there are a lot of relational reasons I think I'll wait longer in the future. But it's just what I see.

I don't think it's wrong to sleep with someone immediately if you want to. But I don't think it's a problem at all to wait if you want. And I think that can help the relationship, and if you want a long-term relationship it can help weed guys out at the beginning.

p.s. sorry I wrote a little book here

-- Edited by ttara123 at 12:13, 2006-10-10

blubirde · Chanel

Oh man - I've run the gambit on this one. I've slept with guys immediately and I've waited for months and months with others. I don't think there's a rule, or at least I don't think there should be one.

With my current bf, we waited (I can't remember how long but it couldn't have been longer than a month or two) and it felt like a really big deal to wait. I felt like he was a guy I wanted to take it slow with although I wasn't sure why. Maybe I had a feeling that he was something special or maybe I was sick of guys and needed to trust someone more first. Beats me but it worked out for me that time.

My BFF slept with her now husband in the first week she met him (I think 2nd date), so I really don't think one rule works for every relationship.

I think you should just go with your gut. (I'm assuming you're talking about something more than a one night stand and I'm assuming the guy is into it more than that as well.) If you want to and you trust him, go for it. If it doesn't feel right and you feel like you need more time, then wait. If he's into you, it really won't matter what decision you make (assuming waiting doesn't mean forever, of course).

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I make everyone wait a month on the theory that the guys who are willing to put in the time are actually interested in more than one thing. So far, this theory has been a SPECTACULAR failure. I don't even know what to say about it. It just does. Not. Work. That. Way.

Mandy, I think you're right. And your friend's just wrong. People think all kinds of things mess things up. But really, the thing is always basic incompatibility. We just find different names for it. Oh, and the one time I didn't wait, the guy was REALLY into me. Still calls. Go figure.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 18:42, 2006-10-10

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Ok, I am obivously in the minority here.. but I personaly believe in waiting until marriage. I KNOW...you all think I am nuts ... However this was a religous decision for me and I felt really good about it. My husband and I are the only sexual partners we have ever had - for me thats wonderful.

On the flip side I have many friends who have slept with men immediatly as well as waited. For most of them immediatly usually resulted in a one night to 2 week stand. The others usually dated men for a few months before sleeping together.

That said , i suppose it is an entirely personal decision.

I dont think your relationships have failed because you have waited, I think they failed because they were not the right guy. When you find the right guy it all just seems to fall into place .....

squishy · Coach

my experiences have been between 1 and 3 months, usually because i need to drum up a lot of courage (body consciousness etc), but i wouldn't be opposed to having a go immediately. i almost wish i could meet someone who's right, and with whom i'm so comfortable that it didn't matter if i waited a day or a year.

poptart · Coach

Edited

-- Edited by poptart at 23:43, 2006-10-15

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I think it's more of a "right guy" thing, rather than a waiting too long or not long enough thing. I know that my problems in recent relationships have been of the "wrong guy" variety, rather than the amount of time we did or did not wait. That being said, for my own peace of mind I try to go by a one-month rule, but it can be shorter or longer. I don't think anyone can judge anyone else as far as these things go - it's very much a case by case basis.

halah · Kenneth Cole

Yeah I agree with the "When it feels right." I don't have hard set rules on times.

The only good thing about waiting longer (3 dates, 1 month whatever) is that you are going to learn more about this person and know better if they're a jerk, player, etc.

I honestly don't think that it makes a difference in a relationship when you first have sex. What I mean is if I guy is into you he's going to be into you after you have sex even on the first date or if you wait 3 months. You just need to be sure it's what you want and you're comfortable. Sex SHOULD be all about you ;) not just to try to keep a guy.

I would say within my circle of friends (late 20s) most of them would be in the 1 month and under group.

Jahni · Dooney & Bourke

AllieGurl wrote:

Ok, I am obivously in the minority here.. but I personaly believe in waiting until marriage. I KNOW...you all think I am nuts ... However this was a religous decision for me and I felt really good about it. My husband and I are the only sexual partners we have ever had - for me thats wonderful.

On the flip side I have many friends who have slept with men immediatly as well as waited. For most of them immediatly usually resulted in a one night to 2 week stand. The others usually dated men for a few months before sleeping together.

That said , i suppose it is an entirely personal decision.

I dont think your relationships have failed because you have waited, I think they failed because they were not the right guy. When you find the right guy it all just seems to fall into place .....

Me Too AllieGurl! My boyfriend and I have been together around 3 years (dated for two, broke up for one, together again for around 8 months) So he's been waiting a looooong time. He cashed in his V-card several years ago but after we started dating decided I was worth the wait (he's sweet). He even abstained the entire year we were apart...TMI??? Sorry...

Anyway, it's definitely a personal decision and I know that on my wedding night I'll be incredibly happy that I waited...and you know, this way I don't have to but him a wedding gift...lol

Kitty · Hermes

In the past I've done anywhere from sex right away to sex after a year. I voted a month, though, because I guess that's about average. There's a lot of variables though, like how often I see them, do I know them at all before we start dating, etc.

Karina · Chanel

blubirde wrote:

Oh man - I've run the gambit on this one. I've slept with guys immediately and I've waited for months and months with others. I don't think there's a rule, or at least I don't think there should be one.

With my current bf, we waited (I can't remember how long but it couldn't have been longer than a month or two) and it felt like a really big deal to wait. I felt like he was a guy I wanted to take it slow with although I wasn't sure why. Maybe I had a feeling that he was something special or maybe I was sick of guys and needed to trust someone more first. Beats me but it worked out for me that time.

My BFF slept with her now husband in the first week she met him (I think 2nd date), so I really don't think one rule works for every relationship.

I think you should just go with your gut. (I'm assuming you're talking about something more than a one night stand and I'm assuming the guy is into it more than that as well.) If you want to and you trust him, go for it. If it doesn't feel right and you feel like you need more time, then wait. If he's into you, it really won't matter what decision you make (assuming waiting doesn't mean forever, of course).

i totally agree with this entire statement.