STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Lately I've been feeling pretty left out from a group of friends. I'm pretty sure the one who does all the inviting, calling, etc., (my closest friend from the group - R) is ticked at me about something, although I don't know what and she's very passive-agressive, so she probably won't tell me. I told a mutual friend last night that I felt like I was being cut out (only partially kidding). I'm pretty sure he told her because last night I got an email from her just shooting the sh*t and today I got an email from another friend in the group point blank asking me if I felt left out lately.

I decided to forgive them and move on but not before I told R how I was feeling. We're usually pretty tight so to be ignored like this has/had me feeling pretty low. I just sent the email and I'm so freaking nervous that my hands are shaking. I don't want to upset her but at the same time I can't pretend like nothing was/is bothering me. I already sent it so there's nothing I can do about that, but what do you guys think? (I'm not sure what kind of advice/comment I want but I can't stand having this all in my head and not talking about it to someone. Unfortunately the friend I normally talk to about this stuff is R sooo.....)

Here's the email I sent:

I got C's email. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm sure it was all just a miscommunication and nothing personal. What does bother me is that I called you about 7,000 times last week and you never once returned one of my phone calls. I told you on Tuesday I was feeling kind of down and wanted to talk and you blew me off. I suspect you were (are?) upset with me about something but you aren't willing to tell me what it is. That's fine, that's the way you handle things. (Case in point: C sending me an email addressing the Sunday issue head on instead of you. And I'm fairly certain J had something to do with the sudden influx of emails, although I don't know that for a fact. He definitely won't be my secret-keeper. Okay - seriously lame Harry Potter reference there.) I just wish if you were bothered by me or something I said or did, you'd let me know because I find it hard to communicate with someone who doesn't tell me what's on their mind and, at the very least, won't return my phone calls.  

I keep remembering that evening we were all at C's helping her paint and you kept rolling your eyes and making little comments to yourself everytime I said something. You were obviously irritated by me (which is fine and perfectly allowable and more than a little understandable), but when I asked you about it, you refused to admit it or talk about it.   

I don't expect you to tell me what was bothering you, if anything was bothering you at all. Maybe you were just busy. Maybe something happened with your family that made you want to hole up for awhile. What I do expect is a friend I can count on and one that feels like she can count on me, too. I trust you enough to tell you how I've been feeling lately. I hope you can trust me enough to do the same.  

As for tomorrow, I already emailed K and told her I couldn't make it. Frankly, I was feeling awkward and didn't feel like attempting to act like everything was fine or acting bitchy the whole time. I have physical therapy tomorrow afternoon, but hopefully I'll be done in time for the dinner. I really would like to celebrate with K for her bday.  

Write back soon,  

blubirde  

P.S. Oh and you guys decided to do the dance class? I didn't know. What are you learning? Who all is taking it? Is it fun? How do you learn the moves without a partner?  

P.P.S. I just re-read this email and I realize it sounds like my rules are the only rules there are. That's not true at all and I have no idea how this is coming off to you. Basically I just want to be considered, however anyone chooses to do that. (Like you say about J.) You know I love you dearly and cherish your friendship. If I didn't, I'd never bother to say any of this stuff.
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Oh god. Did I do something terribly wrong? Should I have been the bigger person and just let it all go? I think I'm starting to panic. I wish there was a "do over" button on email.

-- Edited by blubirde at 17:30, 2006-10-04

-- Edited by blubirde at 17:31, 2006-10-04

She ended up calling me that day and talking to me. She denied everything, not unexpectedly, and said she wasn't mad, upset, or angry in any way. She said she was just really bad at returning phone calls and she should be better about that.

#1 - She's full of shit, imo. But I knew she'd say nothing was wrong. Writing the email was more for my peace of mind, I think. So I'm not surprised or offput by that reaction (although I'll admit I'd hoped for more).

#2 - We all went to dinner Thursday evening (a different friend's bday) and it was okay. It was a little awkward but the first meeting had to happen eventually.

#3 - She emailed on Friday (nothing particular) and I believe it was her attempt to try to smooth things over. I returned her email and it was a pretty normal experience.

#4 - Things aren't entirely cool but they're getting better. Hopefully she'll let me know in the future if something is bothering her so we don't have to go through this again. If nothing else, she'll probably be too afraid I'll throw another fit to act this way again. She's just never going to be the kind of person who says what she thinks. If I want to remain friends with her, especially a close friendship, I'll have to accept that about her and move on. It's not what I would prefer but I accept all kinds of things with my friends that aren't perfect (and neither am I - by far), so I suppose that's just the way it goes.

Thanks for all the support. Rifts with friends upset me way more than boys ever could.

-- Edited by blubirde at 17:37, 2006-10-08