STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

This is just my opinion...because I kind of demand fierce loyalty.  I would have a real problem with it and I would let him know in a mature and matter of fact way.  I know it's a new relationship, so that makes it really awkward to discuss!  I really don't know exactly how I would bring it up, because in new relationships, it's a risk.  Personally, I would probably take that risk to figure out where I stood, because anxiety over relationships just eats me, I would rather make myself known than follow the "ignorance is bliss" advice.  Maybe you can try to bring it up with a sense of humor, because mainly, you just want your guy to feel comfortable discussing his friendships with these girls with you.  It's a good sign that he didn't hide the conversation from you, right?

But, from your description alone, it sounds like inappropriate for a person in a committed relationship, new or not.  I would never expect to be able to carry on such a friendship with a guy.  My guy friends are great, I have known them for over a decade and I know I can depend on them if I needed some emotional or brotherly support, but I do not call them up like that.

Maybe you two have different expectations for the relationship.  Don't ignore him over this.  I might be in the minority- but i personally don't think its a huge deal.  Is he a really flirtatious person where it bothers you on an everyday basis?  Or is he just catching up w/an old friend where that's just the dynamic of their friendship?  I have old friendships w/boys like that and they don't have any bearing on whether or not i'm a good committed girlfriend.  If it really bothers you though, then maybe he is giving off vibes outside of this that is making you more sensitive to this? 

I just read lynnie's response, and want to expand on that. I have male friends too, when they call, they call to talk to me, but I talk to them right in front of my husband and involve him in the conversation. I also invite my male friends to participate in activities with my husband and I. I'd have to say I see my male friends either as a 3rd wheel or double date with my husband, and rarely outside of that. I think it's different if your significant other is also a friend of their's through you.

 

I'm with lynnie and detroit. But mostly Detroit. I think it's no big deal to have close girlfriends. And well, people are going to have feeligns for other people and that doesn't mean they haven't made a conscious decision to be in a relationship that they also really want. So the fact that he talks to these girls isn't, of itself, any big deal.

But, if your instincts are saying somethings up, I think you need to listen to that. And you are worth more, soooooooo much more, than watching and waiting and trying not to scare him. If you really think he is only with you out of convenience, then you need to dump him. NOT ask him for reassurance, because that just puts you in a one-down position. Besides, what is he really going to say? You don't need that. You can walk away. Remember how you dumped the guy who tried to make a booty call on you, when you wanted to be friends? This is really the same thing. It's also the same thing as when you weren't sure if this guy wanted to be a cuddle bunny or your boyfriend, and you handled that really well too, and it turned out that he wanted to be your boyfriend, obviously. So you don't knwo what's going on until you ask. And you have to do that, like Detroit said, from a position of strength, not "tell-me-what-i-want-to-hear..."

You can do it honey. You're going to be great!

nicoley wrote:

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What do you girls think of this?  Im acting like im over it, but in all honesty this idea that he did have feelings for her and it never materialized sort of bothers me.  To me its even worse than being friends with an Ex because at least then you guys experimented and realized this didn't work.  Sort of makes me feel like second choice and that maybe at some point if things work out he would want to be with her? Ive never had something like this happen to me, so i dont even know how to react or what i should do.

Am i thinking into this too much? Do i have nothing to worry about?  Should I just live one day at a time, maybe im looking too far ahead?  In ending, he is a really really great guy and I would hate to see him go, he makes me feel like im becoming a better person just by being with him, and I don't want this to tear us apart. 

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Okay.  I'm glad you said something about it - IMO it's almost always better to have this stuff out in the open when you're in a somewhat serious relationship.

I find the 'it could have just as easily been her instead of you' thing just as squicky as you do.  But,  you guys are still pretty early on in the relationship and I don't think it's to the point where you should exactly be forsaking all other possiblities just yet.  You just happen to know about his now .  Alot of people keep people they've had feelings for in the past in their minds and lives, though I think that's probably more common with those that things never came to fruition with.  Someone who you never really got a chance to try it out with, and therefore it can be as perfect as you want in your minds' eye.

So, I don't think you should let this 'rip you apart'.  I do think you should take it as an FYI and tuck it away, and maybe consider how far you had your guard let down with him.  Nobody wants to be someone's second best, someone's 'til something better comes along.  I'd maybe mentally step back the relationship status too, just for your own piece of mind.