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Post Info TOPIC: I need major support right now.
D


Hermes

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RE: I need major support right now.
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oh wow, Karina. on one hand, he shouldn't enter into a marriage if he has a ton of doubt, but the marriage is also a symbol of his commitment to you and your children - is he throwing that out the window as well? do you think he is possibly afraid of taking on the responsibility of a legal commitment? is he planning on leaving the relationship?  how many years have you two been together, and why is this all the sudden a deal breaker now? this is who you are, and it should come of no surprise to him. in a way it almost feels like an ultimatum too - like either you become the person I want you to be, or I'm out.  That's not fair, IMO.

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Karina


Chanel

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even though he did a messed up move, i still love him, i would still be with him... i mean, how can you walk away from something like this? you know... if i never said anything, we would have still gotten married, and then what? we would have gotten divorced? you know what i mean...

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Cricket


Gucci

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I'm sorry, Karina.  Please don't blame yourself!



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Collette


Chanel

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Wow I'm so sorry I don't know what to say. Stay strong.

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asf


Kate Spade

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oh wow karina...i have no idea what to say here except that i hope you two can figure out how to get through this, and we're all here for you.

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Hermes

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I'm so sorry Karina.  I really hope you two can work it out -hang in there.

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Elle


Hermes

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Wow, Karina.  I'm so sorry that this is all happening ....


Honestly though, I don't think I would have trusted myself (or hubby) to make any big decisions about our relationship that close to our wedding.  I know that sounds terrible, but it's such a stressful time that it definitely clouds your perception of your relationship.  I don't think it's fair to judge your relationship by how it's been recently, because it's not exactly a normal situation by any stretch of the imagination.


Coming from someone else who was in a relationship long before marriage, I can say that I don't feel even one iota more commited to that relationship now than I did before marriage.  We were already in it for the long haul as far as we were both concerned when we moved in together.  Our commitment to each other is completely separate from the act of becoming legally bound.  We would have continued to be together without marriage, and the marriage doesn't guarantee that we'll be together any longer than we would have been without, know what I mean?


Anyway, I don't know the specs of your relationship.  But, I would have thought that since you guys have lived together for awhile and had children together that the commitment had already been made.  Was he under the impression that you guys were still 'trying this out' until the point of actually getting married?  My point being, how does he perceive being married is going to change things?  Would he be willing if you suggested a couple of emergency couples counseling appointments?



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luckylily


Gucci

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Karina - I'm so sorry.  Take good care of yourself and your kiddos. 



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Chic


Marc Jacobs

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I am so sorry to hear this. Just know that my thoughts are with you during this time.

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D


Hermes

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Elle wrote:


Wow, Karina.  I'm so sorry that this is all happening ....


Honestly though, I don't think I would have trusted myself (or hubby) to make any big decisions about our relationship that close to our wedding.  I know that sounds terrible, but it's such a stressful time that it definitely clouds your perception of your relationship.  I don't think it's fair to judge your relationship by how it's been recently, because it's not exactly a normal situation by any stretch of the imagination.


Coming from someone else who was in a relationship long before marriage, I can say that I don't feel even one iota more commited to that relationship now than I did before marriage.  We were already in it for the long haul as far as we were both concerned when we moved in together.  Our commitment to each other is completely separate from the act of becoming legally bound.  We would have continued to be together without marriage, and the marriage doesn't guarantee that we'll be together any longer than we would have been without, know what I mean?


Anyway, I don't know the specs of your relationship.  But, I would have thought that since you guys have lived together for awhile and had children together that the commitment had already been made.  Was he under the impression that you guys were still 'trying this out' until the point of actually getting married?  My point being, how does he perceive being married is going to change things?  Would he be willing if you suggested a couple of emergency couples counseling appointments?



this is great advice, Elle.

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Karina


Chanel

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Elle wrote:


Anyway, I don't know the specs of your relationship.  But, I would have thought that since you guys have lived together for awhile and had children together that the commitment had already been made.  Was he under the impression that you guys were still 'trying this out' until the point of actually getting married?  My point being, how does he perceive being married is going to change things?  Would he be willing if you suggested a couple of emergency couples counseling appointments?



He always said to me that getting married wasn't important, he always thought of me as his wife.  He said that this wedding was going to kill our relationship... its not that he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to have a larger scale wedding, and i did.

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Elle


Hermes

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Karina wrote:


Elle wrote:


Anyway, I don't know the specs of your relationship.  But, I would have thought that since you guys have lived together for awhile and had children together that the commitment had already been made.  Was he under the impression that you guys were still 'trying this out' until the point of actually getting married?  My point being, how does he perceive being married is going to change things?  Would he be willing if you suggested a couple of emergency couples counseling appointments?



He always said to me that getting married wasn't important, he always thought of me as his wife.  He said that this wedding was going to kill our relationship... its not that he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to have a larger scale wedding, and i did.


A wedding, however big or small it may be, is just a blip on the radar in the life of your relationship.  But when it's actually happening, the stress it causes and the time it takes up is huge and of course it's going to put stress on any relationship.  Judging a relationship by how it feels in the middle of a crisis situation is not especially prudent, IMO.  If it was bad when nothing else big was going on, then that might speak a bit more about what your actual 'normal' relationship is like.  Right now all it's proving is that you both have trouble juggling a big wedding, 2 children, full time jobs, and everyday life crap all at the same time.  I think it's pretty understandable that you'd be struggling to cope at that point.


Weddings don't kill relationships.  How people react to weddings can, though.



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D


Hermes

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Karina wrote:

He always said to me that getting married wasn't important, he always thought of me as his wife.  He said that this wedding was going to kill our relationship... its not that he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to have a larger scale wedding, and i did.

what is it about a large scale wedding that will kill the relationship? the money? does he not want to get up in front of people? another option is to just go to the courthouse, but you'll still lose a lot of money in the way of deposits, plus you have to contact all the people you've invited.  you would think he would let you have the big wedding if it means a lot to you - you would think he would have put his foot down in the beginning vs. the last second if it was the prospect of a big production and being on stage or the prospect of spending tens of thousands of dollars for a party. If getting married is not the problem, you would think he could suck it up for one day and get through a big wedding.  I don't know. It just seems like this last second calling off of the wedding is either selfish or a last minute freak out regarding the prospect of spending that much money...

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Elle


Hermes

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D wrote:

what is it about a large scale wedding that will kill the relationship? the money? does he not want to get up in front of people? another option is to just go to the courthouse, but you'll still lose a lot of money in the way of deposits, plus you have to contact all the people you've invited.  you would think he would let you have the big wedding if it means a lot to you - you would think he would have put his foot down in the beginning vs. the last second if it was the prospect of a big production and being on stage or the prospect of spending tens of thousands of dollars for a party. If getting married is not the problem, you would think he could suck it up for one day and get through a big wedding.  I don't know. It just seems like this last second calling off of the wedding is either selfish or a last minute freak out regarding the prospect of spending that much money...


I agree with this - why now when you're so close to being done? 


If this is not a get married or break up situation, which it sounds like it isn't, would you consider going to the courthouse before the wedding and getting married there, just you two?  Kind of a show of solidarity and a statement to yourself and each other that your relationship is the thing that's important?  Then you can face the wedding itself together, with the just-between-the-two-of-you secret?



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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
Tati


Chanel

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I'm so sorry your going through this right now! try and keep your head up, im sure you guys will figure out where you are in this relationship.

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Karina


Chanel

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he didn't want to do the whole big wedding thing for a few reasons



  • didn't want to spend the money

  • didn't want to involve his family

  • didn't want to go up in front of a bunch of people (he's very shy)

 


he was perfectly fine with us going to city hall. 



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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I'm so sorry, Karina.  I know how much you wanted this.  ((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))

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Alikat


Kate Spade

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I'm so sorry! 

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D


Hermes

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Karina wrote:


he didn't want to do the whole big wedding thing for a few reasons



  • didn't want to spend the money
  • didn't want to involve his family
  • didn't want to go up in front of a bunch of people (he's very shy)

 


he was perfectly fine with us going to city hall. 




OK. so then that's it?  So you're just going to cancel everything and call everyone and go to city hall on the scheduled wedding day?


 



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Karina


Chanel

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no... we are not getting married...


i made an appt tonight for us to go to counseling.



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