STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

How do you not let little things bother you?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Maybe because now it's "a RELATIONSHIP" and it feels like there's more at stake. Does it help if you just sort ot pretend you're still just hanging out, and that each day is the only day you're goign to know him?

Hermes

there's a saying that is something like, "90% of what happens in your life is determined by how you react to it" or something like that. basically, you choose how you react - choose to react differently. what's the pay off you're getting for reacting the way you currently are? is it passive aggressive in that you are hoping your attitude in these situations will have him asking what is wrong so he can drag out what is bothering you, so he can change? why don't you just come out and say (in a non-confrontational way) what is bothering you? for example, "when you take calls from other girls, it makes me feel jealous and as though my feelings don't matter" and start communicating about it. and you already said it in a way - people like to be around people who make them feel good. if he feels he's walking on eggshells all the time and tires of the guessing game of "what's bothering nicoley today" then that's definitely not a "feel good" relationship.

there are things my husband does that bother me all the time. I either weigh it against the good and get over it, or I say something to him. I also try to praise him whenever I can. one criticism equals the loss of 100 praises (hope that makes sense). as you know, relationships take work, and you'll find your groove eventually.

NCshopper · Hermes

D wrote:

there are things my husband does that bother me all the time. I either weigh it against the good and get over it, or I say something to him.

I totally agree. You will never, never, never find yourself in a relationship with a person who doesn't have faults. It's just not possible. So you can choose to let the little things become big things or you can choose not to. My mom always taught me that you have to pick your battles. Not every little thing is worth a big fight, but you have to choose what's important to you.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Maybe you act that way when you're in a relationship because now you have the fear of losing him and maybe that is your defense mechanism. Make sense? But I agree with D, it's all a decision on how you react, you just have to make a conscience effort to overcome it and soon it'll be second nature. Good luck and remember that we are here for you to talk to!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree -- it's all in how you choose to react, and how you communicate. Maybe you're feeling a bit freaked out about starting a real relationship with someone new? You do have to go through the transition of learning how you fit together, what little things are annoying, and learning how to best navigate those things. You also need to choose what needs to be talked about and what you can just let slide, because you don't want to be criticising him all the time. It's not pleasant for you or him. Praising him is a great idea too. Positive reinforcement is very effective!

blubirde · Chanel

When I started going out with my boyfriend (after several years of in the land of singledom), I started reliving my old relationship. Everything started reminding me of the old one (it wasn't a healthy relationship to say the least) and I even almost referred to him by my ex's name a few times. It really messed with my head because I started reevaluating my old relationship and wondering if I caused all the bad stuff that happened - even though I know that I didn't.

Honestly, for me, the only thing that worked was time. I tried to keep my worries and fears to myself because I really felt they were only in my head. I decided to keep on trying to be positive and looking at things from a different perspective. After a while, the sensation that I was causing/reliving the same old nightmares went away. I'm pretty sure it was me, being really insecure about a relationship (not the guy) and how that affected my own personal sense of self, mental health, etc.

Just try to smile, make different choices (like D said), and be more positive - even if you have to physically make yourself smile and laugh. Give it a little time and see if, after a bit, this relationship doesn't start to feel differently than the other one.

Good luck!

kittenheels · Coach

I don't have the answer at all. But, DH and I have sort of made peace with our "quirks" and "eccentricities." I just remind myself that part of what I love about him are his little quirks. And, lord knows, I have enough of my own. The best advice my mother ever gave me on this subject was to remember that everyone is going to drive you crazy 20% of the time. As long as it doesn't get to be much higher than that, you are doing just fine. Best luck and congratulations on the relationship.