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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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long rant about my mom
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Premise. I am about to accept a job in Rome, I am very happy about that, I can't wait to go, but it's gonna be next April b/c I have to finish whatever I have started here. The job involves a pay cut, but I really like it, the money is enough to survive, if I need to cut on the shopping, well, so be it, and I probably won't have to pay the rent.


So, what's the problem? My mom. She has never been/is never/will never be satisfied of what I am doing. The job is for 2 and half years, and during this time I'll look for something else, hopefully in Rome, if not possible in EU. She would like me to get a "stable job" my father says (she won't talk to me, she hasn't be talking to me for about 2 weeks, since I told my boss I'll leave in march). She'd love me to get a job in the police, or as a 9-5 employee at the city hall, or something like that. I have nothing agains those kind of jobs, but what I wanna do is work in science. Do research and hopefully teach college students. I have studied for my PhD because that's what I wanted to do.


Well, now she has her mouth full (and my dad the same) with the name of this girl, a friend's daughter, which is in Germany with her boyfriend and makes some good money. BTW, she doesn't know if I have bf, she just assumes I don't - guess I am not pretty enough for guys to want to go out with me.


Before I go on, I want to tell you a little scary story. When I was 16, she started telling me that her friend's daughter weighted x. I weighted at the time x+2. I am serious. She started to insist I go on a diet (I was NEVER FAT!!! I HAD A HEALTHY WEIGHT. I WHISH I COULD WEIGHT LIKE I DID AT 16). Well, I started to eat less. And less. And less. Before I knew it, my period stopped, by ribcage was showing as in an anatomy class, and I had to go for 3 freaking years to a psychologist. Now, she is doing the same thing with this girl, and all the other examples of girls that are smarter than me, skinnier than me, make more money than me, are more married than me. SHe probably didn't want me to become anorexic years ago, but that's just the way I react to this kind of pressure.


So, right now I feel like crap b/c I know what I want to do, butI feel guilty at the same time b/c I am not making her happy. I am eating like a pig, b/c I am so freaking nervous, and the last thing I need is to add one more problem, the weight gain.


Don't know what I want to hear. I don't need you girls to tell me I am doing the right thing, because I KNOW IT. I would just her to be happy with who I am, and let me live my life. I keep getting so depressed and have moments when I can't seem to stop crying. I whish I was able to forget she even exists, for now, and go on with my life. I have a load of things to do before April, and I can't really waste my time crying. I seem to post only to complain, but I guess it's a really difficult moment for me...


Please, any comments are welcome



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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Oh sweetie, I hear you. And you're doing the right thing. I know that doesn't make it easier. But does it help to remember (as in the case of her pressure about your weight) that if you DID try to do what she wants, it will just make you miserable and won't work anyway? You have an awesome attitude and a great handle on how to live your life. She can't accept you because she can't accept herself. It doesn't matter what you do. She has to fix herself. So you may as well do what you want, right?

Congrats on the trip to Europe! That is sooooo very cool!

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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First, I want to congratulate you on such an amazing opportunity! That is so exciting that you'll get to live and work in Rome. Be prepared for lots of vocal appreciation from the Italian men -- they are not at all shy about checking out a woman.

But more seriously, I am so sorry that your mom is raining on this for you. The problem here is all her -- it's not you at all. I'm sure you know that, but it can be reassuring to hear that from an outsider. Have you ever said to your mom what you just said to us? That you just wish she could be happy with you the way that you are? (I don't mean to put the onus of this situation on you, but just wonder if she is seriously so blind as to not see what she's doing to you.)

eta: I should amend the above to say, don't run yourself ragged trying to please your mom. This is not your fault. Only you can decide this, but you may want to consider having much less or no contact with her if she continues to be so hurtful.

-- Edited by scarlett at 23:46, 2006-09-03

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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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I'm sorry, what an awful situation! Dizzy's right--nothing you do will ever make this woman happy, and you'd make yourself miserable if you tried--so just keep doing what you're doing, and making choices for yourself! Congrats on the new job :)

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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 517
Date:
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I you girls.


Dizzy and Sephorablue - you are totally right. I might as well do whatever I want, since she is not gonna be happy anyway. The scary part  is that I am really tempted to go onto some kind of self-destructive behavior, just to get some kind of revenge. Like, start drinking - stop doing work so that I get fired - quit my job and find something like waitressing just to let her see that I can do whatever I want. Or refuse the opportunity in Rome and just find another position here. But I shall be wise and smart and consider only what is best for me, not what is going to hurt her.


Scarlett - I considered the idea of not having contact with her. I think that's what I should do until I calm down a little bit. The sad part is, that would involve not talking to my dad either, b/c inevitably he's going to tell me also what she says/thinks. You know, she is giving a hard time to him too, b/c she says he doesn't support her opinions strong enough. All he does is trying to listen to my side of the story too, and understand my decisions. I feel really bad for him, since I can stop talking to her, he cannot really do that...


thanks again girls, you are awesome



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