STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

hurt · Nine West

forgive and forget

hurt · Nine West

Would it help if I told people who I was? I really didn't want to, but I feel like that's why I'm not getting responses. I just know I have heard of people on this forum who have had situations like this and forgave their SO's. I could just really use some advice right now.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Honestly, I don't know what to say. He was so upset he threw up over it? And you really would have broken up with him?

Don't take this the wrong way, please, because I'm not in your situation, but does it help to think that people aren't perfect, and we screw up a lot, and the best you can hope for is someone who tries as hard as he can, always, to be a good, respectful, honest person? Is that your husband? Is there anything else that has you upset?

Either way, it does sound like it would be very disorienting to find out three years later. I don't know what I would have done.

hurt · Nine West

Yes, he got that upset over telling me. I think he was really worried about what I would do. I know not everyone is perfect, but I guess what hurts the most is finding out 3 years later what I thought was a really perfect relationship with both people being exactly on the same page, wasn't that at all. To think about him considering not marrying me and considering a relationship with someone else when we were engaged makes me really upset. Plus, he always gave me a hard time about being a cheater when I was younger (in past relationships), and boasting that he NEVER cheated on anyone, but then he cheated on his F-ing Fiance?? WTF??? But I do genuinely think he is sorry and won't do it again, but right now I am in that nausiated stage of not being able to get it out of my head. My heart really hurts. It's like I don't look at him the same way anymore. It's a huge flaw to get over, but I really want to. I guess I just wanted to know what others have done to get over something like this.

blubirde · Chanel

I think it would shock me and hurt me if I found out that my DH had kissed another girl before our wedding because he was confused about his feelings. I can completely understand being taken aback by that revelation.

To me, though, it wouldn't shake me up like it seems to have shaken you up. I'd definitely be upset about it but I'm not sure I'd view it as cheating, per se. I think Dizzy's right in that we all mess up in our lives. We all do stupid things. Kissing someone else near your wedding would definitely qualify as one of those stupid things. I think the important thing to remember is that he figured out his feelings for you (and frankly, if the kiss is what it took, at least he was sure afterwards, ya know?), he thinks what he did was wrong, and he told you about it when you asked for honesty.

It would have been really easy for him to have kept that information to himself. He never had to tell you about any of it. Maybe he shouldn't have but I think you wanted him to be as honest as possible. I think the fact that he was so upset over it shows a lot about his personality and how he unacceptable he feels any form of cheating is.

I know it's hard but I'd try to forget about it and put it past you. That takes time but try to put it in perspective. He had a choice and he chose you. That says more about the security of your relationship than the fact he kissed some girl three years ago.

I hope things work out for you. And I don't think you have to reveal your real identity if you don't want to. Give people time, they'll respond.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Wow, that is intense.

When in a committed relationship (married, engaged , etc) cheating is cheating. Obivously you are hurt by this- a very hurtful thing happened to you.

So I would ask yourself a few questions:

1. If this happened NOW, how would I deal with it.
2. Is your marriage and your love for this man bigger than your sadness and anger at the situation?
3. Can you forgive him , and actually let it go? (I say this because sometimes it is the anger left behind that can ruin the marriage and not the act itself)
4. Do you trust your husband?
5. If the roles were reversed how would you like him to repsond to this ?

In the course of our married lives there will be many ups and downs and trials. Hopefully this wont happen, but if it does, ask yourself if you are willing to stay.

I would take a few days to think over this before you and he talk again. Maybe take a girls weekend to yourself, or go see some friends or your parents. (DONT TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED, UNTIL YOU DECIEDE HOW YOU WILL DEAL WITH IT)Then when you feel you have wrapped your mind around the situation, have a heart to heart sit down talk and deciede as a couple how to deal with it.

As a married gal myself, I hope this advice is helpful.

Best wishes ...

hurt · Nine West

blubird and AllieGurl, I want to thank you both for your great replys, it really gave me a lot of insight into the situation.
blubird, I agree that he could have kept this to himself instead of being honest with me, and we have such great communication and can talk about anything. I think it shows me even more about him that he can tell me about something like this and ask for forgiveness, instead of just lying about it forever. It truly takes a big person to do that. I just always thought the whole "I didn't know my true feelings until I tried something else" was so lame, until it happened to me, now I do see the big picture of it, but I still don't like it. We are very strong couple and I really don't want to let this affect us. I guess I just feel like I deserve to be mad about it for a while, no matter how long ago it was, you know?

and AllieGurl, here are the answers to your ?'s:
1. If this happened NOW, how would I deal with it.
I guess I just always thought cheating is cheating no matter if you are bf/gf or married, but now I can kind of see the scenario and understand what happend from his perspective back then, before marriage. But if he did something like that now it would be a lot different and I would probably leave. It may sound extreme, but I don't want to be with anyone who questions their love for me and decides to try something else. Not in my marriage anyway. So I guess I am glad he found out before we got married because now I know his feelings are very true.

2. Is your marriage and your love for this man bigger than your sadness and anger at the situation?
Simple answer, yes.

3. Can you forgive him , and actually let it go? (I say this because sometimes it is the anger left behind that can ruin the marriage and not the act itself)
I think so, I know myself pretty well, and I think I can forget it, but it just hurts right now and I don't know how long that will be there.

4. Do you trust your husband?
Now I do. I know that he respects our marriage and know that obviously he wouldn't have entered into it not feeling fully like it was the right thing to do, what he really wanted. I guess it took me seeing that he had doubts, but then decided he truly wanted me to realize that, sadly.

5. If the roles were reversed how would you like him to repsond to this ?
I honestly don't know how he would react. I have never done anything close to this. It's hard to say. Would I want him to forgive me, yes.

Thanks for everything you girls had to say. I am glad people see it more as a mistake and a hard time in our marriage, then a reason I should leave.

Collette · Chanel

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this burden right now. Honestly I have no clue what I would do had my Dh shared this with me. It's obvious your DH loves and respects you enough to feel he could share this with you. Remorse is a strong thing, he obviously feels it or else he would not have gotten so upset. He loves you, he made a mistake, a big one but he feels horrible and you know he will never do it again. Forgive him, forget. But in your own time. Feel your hurt, share it with him. It will make you both stronger as a unit to know that you can both share anything with each other. I hope everything works out for you!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

yowza. ok. first, thank you for replying to my pm, it really helped. second, and more important, nobody here is going to judge you. this community is not like that. now, onto the matter at hand, try not to worry about what your marriage is "supposed" to look like. There's no such thing as the perfect marriage. There's no such thing as the perfect man. And there's no such thing as the perfect life. In life, sh*t happens. Of course, ideals and principles are very very important and they totally help you to be a better person but don't let them make you a rigid person. Because people make mistakes. And I find that when you put people on pedestals, you're not allowing them to be human. So anyway, from everything you've posted it seems like you're willing to forgive your hubby. If that's the case, try not to be angry for too long, or to view yourself as "the good one." That just seems mean to me, and counter-productive. Also...a word of caution about telling people "in real life": if you do tell, make sure you're telling people who won't judge you and who will have your best interests at heart. Be well sweetie, and know that we are here for you.

hurt · Nine West

Collette, I just wanted to thank you for your eloquent words. It's nice to hear such a strong but simple reply to such a, well, yucky, situation. I know it will make us stronger, it's just getting over that hump that will be tough. Thank you again.

Esquiress, it's not that I thought anyone would judge me, it's just that I guess I am not ready to talk about it as "myself" I am not even telling any of my "real life" friends. But I knew that here I would get such great advice, which I have, even if no one knew who they were giving it to. But I appretiate you being discrete. Your reply really opened my eyes. You were so right about all of this, I shouldn't have him up on such a pedestal because he will make mistakes, and he made this one before we were even married. Worse things could have happened. And that thing about letting my ideals and values make me a better person instead of a rigid person...wow, I think I really needed to hear that. You are a wise woman!!

Thanks, you guys are amazing and I do feel better and not so alone. I

you girls!!!

poptart · Coach

Reading through this, I think I was almost as shocked as you (probably because I formed an idea right away about who you are, which may or may not be correct). But, all that aside, I think I agree with what the other girls have said about who you are and what your marriage is *now* being more important than the past. It sounds like you have a really strong relationship with your husband and this is an opportunity for you to build on that and strengthen it further. Bringing this situation out in the open, even though it was very hurtful, will (as Collette said) give you an opportunity to address it together and to share it as a couple rather than separately. I hope it turns out to be an opportunity to grow closer, and I think it will be.

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. If I try and put myself in your position, I can't imagine how hurt I'd be. But I think the other girls have given great advice. He's obviously torn up about it still and feels awful, but ultimately he did choose you and he obviously trusts you, respects you and your relationship, and very clearly he cares for you immensely.

So, like the other girls said, forgive and forget. It sounds like this person he kissed was barely a blip on the radar, so try not to give more of your time and energy to the situation than it warrants, if that makes sense. And if you're still thinking about this a few days from now, don't beat yourself up over it--these things take time to deal with and process and to come to terms with. You will eventually, in your own time. And I think ultimately by talking about it and working through it, you're ultimately going to be an even stronger couple because of this. I hope this helps some.

hurt · Nine West

You know what, after hearing what all of you have to say, and feeling so close to all of you even thought I don't know some of you "for real", I want to tell you who I am. Because by trying to hide that I don't have the perfect marriage is very cowardess and is not showing that I can act like a human who believes other humans have flaws (much like what Esquiress said) Shit happens to all of us and you all share so openly, that now I feel kind of bad for trying to hide myself and trying to keep my "image" perfect. This is Luv2Shop. I want to thank all of you for being understanding and giving me such great advice, and even helping me come to terms with a lot of issues today, a lot about myself, and a lot about humans and relationships in general. Thank you.

Tati · Chanel

so sorry your going through this! just to let you know, i've been married for 11 years, got married when i was 18 and he was 19 and we went through some rough times in the beginning 4 years. he did some things behind my back that i found out about later and it broke my heart to pieces! but...now we are best friends and things that happend in the past have made our marriage stronger.we both aren't perfect and we both know that. its very hard to forget, forgiving is much easier. just hang in there. its okay to be mad! just dont hold on to it for so long, im not going to lie,... you'll never forget, sorry.

you can pm me if you want to. i can go into further details that way......

still gotta throw in my sushi!

Cricket · Gucci

I'm sorry you're going through this. You'll work this out, sweetie. I feel for you, though.

member · Hermes

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this sweetie, but hang in there. All the other girls gave you such great advice. Just know that we are here for you. ((((Big Hugs))))

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I second what Alliegurl said about taking a girls weekend to clear your head. I totally agree with your view on cheating after marriage, but as you said this happened before you were married. The timing makes the situation a little different, but still very hard on you. You have every right to be angry at him, but it does sound like he was just having cold feet and not sure if he wanted to grow up right then. It seems like he knew immediately that he wanted to be with you forever and forgot about that other girl. Just be careful about how you deal with your anger in this situation. Holding it against him for a long time can really hurt your relationship and be a real barrier in your communication with each other.

Also, I really agree with Esquiress about telling people you know irl. Make sure you can trust the people you tell. So many people have ulterior motives and love to see people whose lives seem perfect to have problems.

Just deal with all of this in your time frame and take it easy. Do some retail therapy and take care of yourself. We will be here if you need anything.

Alegria · Kate Spade

Honey, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I think many of us know exactly how you're feeling from past experiences. You have every right to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, anger, sadness, confusion, insecurity, etc. It sounds like your husband told you because he is so committed to you and loves you dearly. I hope you can work everything out. Let me know if you need anything. Please PM me if you'd like.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

Thanks so much to everyone, and bluebird for your pm. I am feeling a lot better then I did yesterday. Yesterday I was very angry and nausious. I agree with taking some me time to just settle down. I guess the good thing is we are both very busy this week doing seperate things so I won't see him much except when we are going to bed. And, it's not like we are in a fight or anything, we are just being very "gentle" with eachother right now. I am very quiet and not at all affectionate, and he is respecting that. I think it will take a few days to let that pass. Right now, unfortunatly, I can't stop thinking about it, but I know that too will pass, I just hope it's soon.

I just want to tell you what therapy talking to you girls has been. I am not telling anyone I know, so being able to come here and just be so honest has been amazing. I can honestly say that if I didn't have ST to come to, I don't think I would be as "calmed down" as I feel after talking to all of you about this. All of your advice has been so wise and helpful. I just hope you all know how much it means to me.

lynnie · Chanel

aww sweetie- i would feel the same way as you do. The good thing is that you will get through this, and most likely your marriage will be stronger. Would you have been happier if he had told you at the time and you hadn't married him? You've always sounded so happy and in love, so probably not. I think everyone makes mistakes, even if they are the ones that you always hope will never happen. Forgiving someone is the best thing you can do for someone you love, as long as they deserve it. Sometimes it is good to let go of the illusions of a "perfect marriage" and accept someone for what they are- a bundle of flaws and imperfections. And its saying a lot that he chose to be with you and also be so openly honest with you. I think I would prefer to have my fiance kiss another girl and be sure that I'm right for him- making that one mistake- then have him wonder every day about it. Hope you feel better soon! xo.

-- Edited by lynnie at 12:25, 2006-08-09