STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to everyone individually, as this ordeal has been emotionally draining, and writing to people and talking about it all day long every day has taken a toll on me.

I wanted to wait to update you all until I had my surgery date. I thought I wasn't going to find out until Monday, and I was starting to feel stronger today and was looking forward to having a weekend where I felt somewhat ok so I could be good and strong for Monday, but it didn't pan out that way and I received the call today.

I am scheduled for a bilateral mastectomy on August 22.  As you know, I had no choice about the mastectomy of the right breast, and because of my risk, I've made the decision to have both removed.

If I had absolutely no family history of cancer, my risk of getting cancer in the other breast is 40%.  Considering that my maternal aunt was diagnosed at 28, died at 30, my maternal grandmother diagnosed at 46, died at 48, and my mother having had both ovarian and breast cancer, my risk is greatly increased.  I have had genetic testing done, but it takes a long time, and I had to make my decision now so the surgeons can schedule. 

I think this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, but with my risk so high, I don't want to wait for it to show up - and how bad will it be the next time around?  Cancer is nothing to mess with, and do I really want to play roulette with my life?

I will have reconstruction, but it will take approximately 6 months to complete, as the healing skin must be slowly stretched with the inflatable device over time to accommodate an implant.  Once the implant is in, and I'm healed from that, they will cut some scar tissue to make a nipple, and after that heals they will tattoo a nipple on.  I will no longer have any sensation in my breasts, and I'm sure that will be an adjustment.  Apparently, I shouldn't be able to feel the tattooing, which I guess is a plus.  Seeing the photos of the reconstructed breasts has made me physically ill, and I swear I had a nervous breakdown on Monday when I met with the plastic surgeon.  It's all these steps that just make it more real and upsetting. In a way, I feel like I losing a big part of what makes me a woman. It's not a pretty surgery or reconstruction - it's nothing like just getting implants.

The day I learned I had to have a mastectomy of my right breast I had to immediately go to the hospital my mother was at and wait there during her almost 5 hour surgery to remove tumors and remove her colon. Her white blood cell count is very low, and everyone felt it was highly unlikely she would make it through surgery. She did make it though, and she's doing well.  I have had to go to the cancer ward of the hospital every day though - the last place in the world I wanted to hang out at, which was emotionally draining in it's own right.

I don't want to live the rest of my life like my mother has had to with nearly 10 years of on and off chemo and radiation, and countless surgeries.  So as rash as it may seem to some of you to be preventative, I have to weigh my quality and preservation of life against keeping a breast. Something I hope none of you will ever have to go through in your lives.

If the genetic test comes back showing I have the mutation in my gene that shows I don't have the ability to fight off cancer, basically, I will have to make the decision to have my ovaries removed which will put me instantly into menopause and significant bone loss.  I really do not want to instantly age. I'm not ready yet. Ovarian cancer has a very high mortality rate, and I will have to go through this decision process all over again if it's found I have the gene mutation.  One step at a time though, I need to get through this first.

That's my deal. It all sucks and I'm actually doing a good job of holding it together today, or maybe there's just no tears left.  At this time I feel like I need to figure out ways to enjoy my entire intact body for the next 18 days...