STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

does your SO work too much?

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I think it all depends on your relationship and how much and what you do with the quality time you do have. I know I hated when DH was a server at a restaurant and the best shifts to have were weekends till 2 or 3 in the am. That I did not like and he quit when we started planning our wedding because I really needed him on the weekends. But that wasn't really a serious job. Our first year of being married he got a job filling vending machines (sounds trashy, but it's good $) But he had to get up to go to work at 2 or 3 in the morning, he would get home around 1 or 2, make dinner for us, and go to bed at like 6 or 7 at night. It was nice to have dinner with him and spend that quality time at dinner, plus we had the weekends, but he was always so tired and eventually quit.

I agree that it is very hard on a relationship, but if you love and want to be with eachother enough, sometimes it's worth it if the $ is really good, or if it's what he really wants to do. If she is already thinking of dumping him, sorry to say, but I don't think she likes him enough to try to work through it. Just my opinion.

P.S. It does get better if you live together or are married, because it's easier to make time to see eachother if you are living in the same place.

lynnie · Chanel

well, background on them- they've been together for 5 years and have been doing LDR for the past year or so (dc and nyc). So its more just like he's not really there for her for phone time, and just seems worn out when he talks to her, and she's just sick of it. I can see that being a huge strain in a relationship. GAH i hate that people work too much in this country- i don't mean to open up a can of worms- but why should it be okay for somone to work 70-140 hours a week??? My 40 is too much almost- i still feel like i dont' have any time.

erin · Chanel

hmm. my husband works at least 60 hours a week, and a lot of times 70 or 80. some days it's irksome, but to be honest, i like my independence. i see him a lot more now than when he used to travel all the time. (basically, he would come home every other weekend) it's been like this since about a year after we started dating. he stopped traveling as much when the baby came. (he still travels about one week a month)

i think if both people in the relationship are pretty independent, it's not a big issue.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

One observation out of left field: they've been together for five years already, yet they don't want to live in the same city? It sounds to me like one or both of them is unwilling to make the compromises that come with being in a serious relationship. I know jobs are demanding and all that but after a certain point, I think if you really want to be with a person then you find a way to at least live in the same place. It does sound like he has an insanely demanding job and generally people in that field sacrifice a lot in their personal lives -- which is not something I could do.

My BF works a lot, but I love him and am willing to accept that about him. The key thing is he still makes time for me. Has your friend talked to him about this?

bex · Chanel

i guess i am coming from the other side of your question because i work around 60-75 hours per week and i also travel a lot for work- i am usually gone 20 days out of a calendar month.

my BF and I have been together for 4 years and have lived together for 2.

erin wrote:

i think if both people in the relationship are pretty independent, it's not a big issue.

it works for us because of what erin wrote. we are both independent and don't have issues with me being gone and/or working a lot when i am home. my job is important to me. but i am young, relatively free and have no children. i imagine that when those things happen, i'll slow down. but i find right now, its important to me to work on my career to make the advancements i need to- so that when i do settle down, it will be easier for me to cut back because i'll hopefully be where i want to be.

it sounds like your friend needs to have a heart to heart with her boyfriend and find out what his expectations are of the future. is he going to continue to work at this rate for his lifetime or does he feel its a 5 year span to get to where he needs too?

a lot of time it means carving out time in each of their schedules that is specifically for each other. it may sound silly but putting a hour phone call in your schedule works out a lot better than random ill-timed 5 minute calls.

i can usually tell when my BF is starting to get stressed with me being gone so i will plan a special day for the two of us to make up for "lost" time. the same thing needs to happen for your friend.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I should amend what I said -- bex put it perfectly, and that's a perfect example of how to make this kind of situation work.

Kitty · Hermes

My SO's first priority needs to be me and his life outside of work. If his first priority is work, then I can't deal.

blink · Coach

as long as my dh acknowledges that it "sucks" and he would really rather leave and come home on time, I can deal with it. I basically need to know that we are on the same page. It's the days that he gets defensive of his responsibilities at work that we run into problems. Usually these days he can bring work home anyway, so this argument doesn't happen so often anymore. He can be a little bit of an obsessive worker, trying to tie up every little loose end at work before leaving the office behind him. He does this at home too and he's trying to relax his behavior a little bit for the better.

kittenheels · Coach

Both DH and I have pretty high stress/time intensive jobs (lawyer and I-banking). What makes it work is that we can both empathize with how much it sucks to cancel on the other party and how much it sucks to let someone down and cancel plans because of work. It's definitely a trade off - but we want to save up for the future, so for now it's working. We also make a point not to make a lot of plans during weekends - we need at least one night just for us to catch up and chat.