STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

ihatemyjob · Nine West

Regular poster needing SERIOUS help! *long*

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I so sorry sweetie - this sounds very frustrating!

1) It's very likely that you could do everything you are supposed to do, and the boss would go ahead and screw you over anyway. Are you on record agreeing to stay a certain time? (I'm trying to word carefully so there are no distinctive details btw, so if it gets vague let me know) Or was this an agreement between you and the boss only? I wouldnt' worry too much about something just with the boss, but if you're on record, it's very hard to back out. Not impossible, though, just trickier.

2) What kind of relationship do you have with the board? Do they know you? Or only know of you, as translated by your boss? Is there anyone you could trust enough to sound out how you are perceived now, and what they expect of you?

3) Your coworkers, even those below you, know that you're all grownups, and they do not expect you to sacrifice yourself for them. It's nice that you feel responsible, and I'm sure they pick up on your great leadership. And of course you will do everythign you can to make things easier on them. But there simply is no rule that says you have to stay in a bad situation because other people aren't leaving either.

4) Overall, I think maybe you think people expect more of you than they do. Your boss expects a lot of you, because he is insane. But normal people have normal expectations - which means if you take care of your career as best you can without deliberately hurting anyone else or shirking your REASONABLE responsibilities, they understand and respect that. Does that make sense?

Good luck!

-- Edited by Dizzy at 02:11, 2006-07-17

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

I don't know who you are, so I'm not basing this on anything in particular. I don't think you should feel guilty about leaving your current position. Since you are so unhappy there, I say you have to look out for yourself and your own well being. It is admirable that you care so much about your assistants, but since your boss is losing it and you're leaving eventually anyway, I don't see the benefit in putting off the inevitable. If when thinking of quitting you feel really relieved at the thought, then I say that's what you should do.

ihatemyjob · Nine West

I'll try and answer your questions without giving too much away.

1) I'm not on record as saying that I would stay. I'm not under contract, but we run on a cycle where it would be a major pain in the ass if someone were to leave partway through, so it was understood that by starting the cycle, it means finishing the cycle.

2) I have a very good relationship with some of the board members. There are others that are pretty inactive that I don't know well at all, but the ones I know, I have a good relationship with. There's really no one on the board that I can use as a safe sounding board though without stuff getting back to my boss. When I think about it, the board's perception of me may not be that big of a deal because I think they understand that my boss is crazy and they would/should recognize that if my departure were to be very disrupting, then that's indicative of a major problem in the leadership of the organization.

3) I know that it's not expected of me to sacrifice my time and energy and sanity, frankly, for my staff. If I have to do it, I have to do it and they'll understand and they won't hate me for it, but I would just hate to let them down.

4) There are really high expectations for my particular job. I'm head of my department and we're coming up on the busiest time of our "cycle" and I have a MAJOR project that I have to do. I'm the only one in the office who knows the software to produce the project and basically if I left, there would be no one left to take over that responsibility. The project is something that the organization markets itself on and is key to what we do.

I've thought about this whole thing a lot and I've gotten some great advice from some people already. Basically, I think I need to approach my boss and tell him what needs to change in order for me not to cut out early. I need to prepare myself for the talk though and of course while I've been doing that, things have gotten better at work. I'm going to continue figuring out what I'm going to say to him when the time comes, which it inevitably will, and start looking for other opportunities in the mean time.

This boss has all the characteristics that an abusive boyfriend would have and it follows the same sort of pattern: treat someone like shit, do the whole "please don't leave; I didn't mean it" thing, and try to buy back the person's loyalty (in the form of vacation time, bonuses, or raises), and then have it all repeat. It's exhausting.

-- Edited by ihatemyjob at 18:44, 2006-07-19

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Um, okay, do you really think that if you approach the abusive boyfriend and explain, "I need you to stop hitting me in order to stay in this relationship, and here's why..." that it's going to go well? Because, and you know this, it won't. The boss is the same. Reason and rationality are GREAT tools for dealing with people who can appreciate them. But, well, people who can't, can't. And reason and rationality tend to give crazy people more ammunition for their craziness. They'll just suck everything you say into their votex of insanity and spit it back out as something you did NOT say and do NOT want. Which is how nice, normal, responsible, reliable, good people, hard workers, and so on... end up going OUT OF THEIR DAMN MINDS while dealing with this type.

The only advantage to telling your boss "This is what I need," before you bail, is that you can tell people, "I told him x y and z had to change and it didn't..." And seriously, it just doesn't matter as much as you think. It's actually kind of a waste of your time. The irrational has its own logic. Learn to follow it and meet it on its own terms... Does that make sense? And people will either understand, or criticize you, for refusing to meet your boss in the center of crazyland. But any criticism that could EVER be leveled at you for it would STILL be better than making the trip.

What I'm saying is, forget what people will think about what you do, think hard about how to understand and humor your boss (for example, when dealign with an alzheimers patient who believes that you, as a nursing home cafeteria aide, are seating them for dinner at a nice restaurant, you just pretend it's true, and use the fantasy to prevent the patient from running away by saying something like, "Hey, you don't want ot miss the dessert cart, right?"...) and DO WHAT YOU WANT. In the end, you will be so far ahead of the game if you just pick what you want and get it done. The repercussions are always so much less than you'd think...

twinkle · Coach

another vote to quit. it seems like you're in a pretty awful situation, and i also admire the fact that you are concerned about your assistants, but i assume they'd be ok, right? they will end up working for your replacement and not get laid off, i assume. at the end of the day, in business, you have to look out for yourself. . and having an abusive boss is not OK. not sure who you are, but i'm so sorry you are going through this. i've been in similar situations and it's not worth the toll it takes on you! good luck and keep us posted.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

hmm...this is a toughie. when i first read this post, my initial reaction was that you should stay until november. and then when i got more information from your pm, that only strengthened my opinion that you should stay until november. but i realize that your happiness is what matters most so if you really can't take it and it's absolutely awful and you have a feeling you'll get screwed no matter what, by all means, leave. but here's why you might want to stay until november:

1) it's not that far away. we're almost at the end of july so really you just have august, sept., october and part of november and the thanksgiving holiday would be the perfect time to be like "thank god i am done with this job!" and leave and never come back. also, that way, you've built in a nice holiday vacation for yourself.

2) if you put feelers out now and tell all your contacts you will be on the job market soon, you may be able to secure a new job before leaving your old one, which is always nice.

3) cutting out before then end of the project just seems like bad form, honestly. and it's one of those things people have a tendency to never forget and may bring up when prospective employers call to check your references. and i doubt that the board will take your leaving as an indicator that there's something wrong w/ the leadership of the organization. while that would be fantastic, it's always easier to blame the person who left for the problems left behind than really take a hard look at the root of the situation.

4) as for the boss, here's the thing: it would be ideal to not leave on bad terms. if you left now, you would be leaving on bad terms. of course there's always the likelihood that w/ a guy like that you'd be leaving on bad terms no matter when you left. as for how to deal with him, i like the idea of the talk. but not a threatening or ultimatum type talk because nobody ever really responds well to that. instead try to go to him with an attitude of genuine and serious concern--for him, for the company, whatever. and go in projecting a can-do/it's all about teamwork type attitude that makes him believe you have the company's best interests at heart.

anyway, hth and keep us updated!