STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

a MIL issue and vent

Mandy · Kate Spade

since it sounds like she didn't give you the option to not do it, i would not offer the option of doing it for free. you could even say something like, "since you are family, i won't charge you what i would normally charge, you'll get a reduced rate." that way she knows she has to pay but at least gets a discount. don't even leave it up for discussion. if she balks tell her that you have been really busy lately, and it would be hard for you to spend a day off working without getting paid.

poptart · Coach

Oooh, tough call. I'm more confrontational, so I would probably just tell her, "You know, I used to do parties for free as favors for friends, but after having several bad experiences, I keep friendship and work separate. I would be happy to do the party in a professional capacity, however. If you'd like to sit down with me and discuss the arrangements, I can give you some estimates."

But, if you're not comfortable with that, I would either:

1. Arrange to be out of town with your BF that weekend and use that as an excuse.

2. Tell her that you wish you could help but you're lending all your equipment to a fellow friend/caterer who has a "huge" event that weekend and needed all the extra help s/he could get. You could even say you're going to help out with the event.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

can you tell her you already have a catering event scheduled for that day so you can't do it?

Alegria · Kate Spade

Can you give her the name of someone else to cater for her? Just tell her you won't have the time it takes right now to do the quality that you strive for? I would be afraid that getting any kind of $$ from her would be difficult/uncomfortable.

Really, I don't think you should do it. There really is no easy way out of it because no matter how "nice" you try to be she will probably be insulted and think that you are being rude (even though it's the other way around).

Now, that being said if you do decide to do it, I would give her a list of things that she needs to go out and buy/get (grocery list). Be specific in the list. You shouldn't have to spend that day working on top of all the other time it takes getting the supplies you need.

blubirde · Chanel

poptart wrote:

Oooh, tough call. I'm more confrontational, so I would probably just tell her, "You know, I used to do parties for free as favors for friends, but after having several bad experiences, I keep friendship and work separate. I would be happy to do the party in a professional capacity, however. If you'd like to sit down with me and discuss the arrangements, I can give you some estimates."

I like that approach. And also maybe you'll give her a discount on your time, like $10-15/hour instead of $20 or something. She really should ask to hire you, not tell you to do it. That said, family always thinks they are entitled to favors and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

This way you're being honest, that you don't do the friends & family free discount, and you'll be making her happy by doing the party.

If she doesn't accept your offer for reduced fee services, she can find someone else, right? No one else would be able to do it that cheaply but that's her problem, not yours.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think everyone else has given some great advice - and seriously, from someone who has definitely been there - even if you do suck it up and do it, I suspect that she still won't be happy. This is the sort of situation where you always end up being in the wrong, so you might as well be wrong with as few hassles as possible. Think how awful you'll feel if you do it, it's horrible and more trouble than it's worth, and then she spends the whole time complaining that she thought you'd do more... (she sounds like the type...)

NCshopper · Hermes

Yeah, I say to try and get out of it if you can.

If not, I really like poptart's idea. I'd get her to sign an agreement that states that she acknowledges that she's paying you not only for the groceries, but for the time and equipment as well. And if you expect that you'll need help, then help should be compensated for in the agreement as well. I definitely think you can do this tactfully by stating that you've had too many bad experiences in the past to do this for free, like poptart said.

If you don't have the best relationship with this woman, then I don't think you should hand over the grocery list to her. She could find a way to sabotage your success by not getting you the ingredients you need and leaving it up to you to run around at the last minute. I could just be paranoid here, but if your relationship is REALLY bad, then it's possible. If you do end up doing it, then you'll definitely want to do it well so her friends are impressed and will keep you in mind if they ever need catering.

Anyway, I vote for not doing it at all, if possible, but if you do end up doing it, then make sure you've got all your bases covered and she understands that she's going to have to pay for it.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I agree with Dizzy, she sounds like the type who would not be happy anyway no matter what you do. If you really don't want to do it, then I wouldn't . I know how you feel, believe me. I have the MIL from hell!! She sounds like the same type and we no longer are on speaking terms. Words of advice-if you are ever planning on marrying your bf don't let this woman start walking all over you now. You will have hell to pay in the future!!

NCshopper had a good idea about not letting her have your list if you do decide to do it. She could make things harder on you by forgetting things and that could make you look bad in front of her guests. Bottom line is if you think working with her may prove difficult and you may be distracted by her I wouldn't do it. Plus, if she wanted to act rude to you in front of her guests she may cause you to lose future clients.

Maybe try some of the other suggestions about going out of town or tell her you had another event that came up in which you are getting paid, and you don't want to pass up the money.

lynnie · Chanel

gah, that sucks. i'm squeamish about confrontation- i'd probably do it. could you wuss out and have your boy call her and be like, you know mom- you should pay her? Or could you double the groceries you buy (dont tell her), have her pay for all of it, and then just have her pay for your personal groceries for the next week. Maybe not $20 an hour- but some sort of compensation.

Bastet · Kate Spade

I definitely agree with the other girls who suggested you give her a reduced rate. You shouldn't do it for her for free. Just on principle. I know that family members often have some sense of entitlement. But this is your boyfriend's mother. You and bf might be serious/together for a long time, etc. but you are not her daugther in law, and IMO she has no right to tell you to do anything for her. Especially if she and your bf don't get along, and you aren't close to her. The fact that she didn't bother asking you is very off-putting.