STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

 

 i think it was an honest mistake on her part.  yes, it was late, but do you think she was really thinking (in the midst of drinks) about actively annoying you?  at least she didn't call you and have the phone ring non-stop until voicemail clicked in, right? 

i guess i don't feel like what she did was that bad because i have friends on the east and west coast and we constantly drunk text, or even sober text late at night forgetting how late it really is on the coasts, and it doesn't really bother any of us. 

i think the mistake she did make was how she responded to the call-out.  she shouldn't have blown up like that, but given her response, i don't think she's going to apologize.  i don't think you should either though.  i would just give it a few days and hopefully it will blow over. 

 

Something similar just happened to me - a friend flaked out on me while I was doing her a 7-HOUR favor, and I left her a message saying "I need this and this and this and this went wrong and I just don't like you right now..." And I didn't mean it to be mean, but she flipped out for a week about how rude I was. The thing is, she always flips out at someone when she has certain things going on in her life - and I know enough about her background to sort of see why (she's used to small threats turning into BIG threats really really really fast...) So I listened to her side, told her mine and cut her a break.

So basically what I'm saying is, the things that make my friend flip out are also the things that make her a wonderful, sensitive, perceptive person. And usually she's a good friend. If this friend is otherwise a good friend and reasonably responsie to you when you express a concern, but has a problem with men, is that something you can live with? I tend to err on the side of forgiveness because everybody is working through something. And god knows I'm a pain in the butt sometimes. But some people you have to cut out.

If I want to cut someone out I decide based on: 1) How do I usually feel around this person? 2) Is she likely to be cold and deliberately mean to me, justifying her behavior with whatever reasons? (Unforgivable). Or is she just inconsiderate as collateral damage when something else is going on with her? (fine with me, although not for everyone) 3) Does she return calls prompty and otherwise act reasonably responsive to the things I ask of her, and basically courteous?

And so on... Good luck.

I am trying to think what I would do.

I am really sensitive so I would probably be hurt that she flipped out ... and pissed off, too. But I would just let her cool off and hopefully she'll realize she was overreacting. I definitely don't think you need to apologize for anything.

If not, then you need to re-evaluate your friendship and figure out if she is really worth the effort to try to smooth things over and be the bigger person.

Personally, I try to stay away from these types of people.

Well, it sounds then like she's really not worth it. I tried imagining how I'd feel in your situation and how tiring a friend like that can be and I couldn't imagine wanting to put up with it indefinitely. Maybe this is the opportunity to just step back and let the friendship die.

This woman sounds like someone you might be better off without.  IMO, you did nothing wrong at all.  She should not have texted you at that time when knowing you had to wake up early (I don't even think she should text you at that time no matter what time you have to wake up), but, yes, sometimes, especially when drinking, people don't think.  I agree with you, that the thing that is really upsetting is that she refuses to apologize and flipped out at you.  Um, hello, you did nothing wrong! 

Since you work near this girl, you might not want to totally blow her off, but I do reccommend keeping your distance from now on.  I guess you have to decide if her friendship is worth always having to be the bigger person and all the drama that comes with her.  I say to stop hanging out with/talking to her, but I know that is easier said than done.  Good luck. 

So today, J came to my desk and apologized for everything.  She said she's very sorry she texted me that late and that I'm the only friend who knows about B and she just need to talk.  But she said she wouldn't do that again.   I told her I wasn't even mad about that, I was mad at how she blew up the other day when I asked her about it.  She said she was sorry and should have never acted that way - it was out of line, but that she really values me as a friend and asked my forgiveness.  I accepted but told her that if this happens again, I may not forgive.  This was the 2nd time, and 3 strikes and you're out.  I hope I made the right decision.  I wasn't too easy was I?

Thanks for all your advice girls!