STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kitty · Hermes

How do you know when it's time to leave?

twinkle · Coach

i think you said it best yourself. its when you dread coming in every day.

sounds like a change would do you some good. how long have you been there?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think it depends on what you dread. Is it the work, something about the people, the idea that you could be doing something more? Some things you dread can be fixed pretty easily at the current location and some things can't. What do you think is making you hate it right now?

Kitty · Hermes

Mara wrote:

i think you said it best yourself. its when you dread coming in every day.
sounds like a change would do you some good. how long have you been there?

I've only been here about a year and a half.

Kitty · Hermes

Dizzy wrote:

I think it depends on what you dread. Is it the work, something about the people, the idea that you could be doing something more? Some things you dread can be fixed pretty easily at the current location and some things can't. What do you think is making you hate it right now?

I think part of what I dread is working under the director of marketing. I mean, she's a very nice lady and everything but she is a bit of a control freak and tries to suck-up all my creative freedom. She's also older and sort of out of touch with what's hip and current and modern in the world, and we're starting to clash on the general direction or marketing materials have been going...

I'm also just getting a bit bored with my actual work...I want to be doing something new.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

How exactly is she a "control freak," and what are you starting to clash about? Does she have a directive from the company? Is she just one of those people who always has to have her way no matter what on every little thing? How do other people like her? How does she tell you you've clashed? What is her communiccation like? What did you do that she praised?

It sounds like you're actually in a good spot, but with a bad personality clash (I've been here, and it's amazing how you don't want to do anything because she's just goign to criticize it and you won't get any credit, so it's like, what's the point?)

The thing is, if she's a poisonous person, it could be cool to learn how to handle her. Then you'll always have that skill, and you'll be happier in whatever job you have because you'll always know some weirdo can't come take it all away from you. You know how to take care of yourself too well. So really, workign with a b--- is a pretty great opportunity. You learn that people like this aren't really scary at all, just sad (there's a Dr. Seuss book about this, I think).

On the flip side, if she's just a nice person who has a different idea of what the job is, it could also be cool to learn how to get along with her, because it will happen again anywhere you go.

Also, if no one likes her, she might be fired eventually and it would suck to leave because of a temporary problem (this happened to TWO friends of mine).

Kitty · Hermes

She pretty much likes to have things her way...this is down to minute details about how things look. It's frustrating on many, many levels because we have totally different ideas about how things should look/sound/etc. We get along fine on the surface and she probably has zero idea that I'm at all upset with her. This is probably because I don't really put up a huge fight..I just do what she wants because the few times I have pushed back and argued for what I believed in..it ended up making things very, very tense between us and she still brings it up to this day. I just don't want to deal with that kind of environment..so I go along with what she wants even though it totally sucks 99% of the time.

I guess that's another frustration with the job...I'm being allowed to do what I know is right because of her power/authority.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

She still brings up minor disagreements that she lost months ago? And every single thing has to go her way or she makes it "tense." Haha, that sounds familiar... I worked for someone like this and it was not fun. It sounds like she's hiding it on the surface too, so some people probably dont' even know what she's like, and you probably feel totally trapped, because, like you said, you're not goign to fight about these stupid, minor matters (they are life and death to her, though, because of her issues).

So this boss sounds pretty toxic and you sound like you're having the exact reaction I had. The two things I did were: 1) If she tried to bully me by getting all "tense" I gave it back to her. She didnt' know how to handle that at all. If she ignored me, I ignored her. If she slammed things around, I slammed things around. If she made nasty comments about "people who blah blah blah..." I would say, "Oh YES, people like that are the WORST." The best was when she was giving me the silent treatment, so I picked up a plate she was eating from, dumped it in the garbage and cleaned it. And she couldn't say anything because, SHE WOULD HAVE TO TALK TO ME... It was hilarious! She left the room, came back, and was very, very nice the rest of the day. If you stop CARING that she's "tense" you'll have your moment like this too. If you dont' want to be that agressive back, you can also just call her out on it in a neutral tone, "You seem a little tense..." like you're just asking for information. The risk though, is that she'll probably snap at you and use it as an opportunity to list all your faults. But you'll win if you stay calm and just keep saying things like, "Mmm, so you're very busy," and refusing to defend yourself or even notice that she's criticized you AT ALL (the game is to make you defend yourself...).

2) When she had to have her way about something stupid, I would say (and this sounds ridiculous, but it worked). "Of course, that's a really good idea." Then I would do it the way I wanted to. As long as there's no conflict, she wont' even remember. She just wants her way, and her way is the OPPOSITE of what you think, because that makes her feel powerful. If, though, there's somethign that's so obvious you think she would remember, I would suggest something I didn't want, and let her argue me out of it. Or, I could just sort of collude with another department to make it impossible to do what she wanted. Or, since you probably have to give in a lot more than you would with a normal person, just because this type is such a two-year-old (mineminemineminemineminemine...) you can just take the fun out of it for her by acting like she is a crazy two-year-old, "Oh, you think it's that important? Of course. You are such a detail person...." Once she trusts you not to fight with her, though, she'll settle down some...

3) The problem with this type is that no matter how many times you give them their way, they want more. It's like a drug. But you can replace their drug with compliments, and that calms them down a lot, too. Whatever stupid thing she cares about, just notice and compliment her. If she brings up something a lot, compliment that. And don't think that giving in is keeping the peace. It just makes them want more.

4) Overall, the trick with this type is to gain control so you don't feel so threatened. Watch carefully to see the rules of how she operates - they are NOT the same rules the rest of the world goes by, I guarantee you. Then make fun of her in your head every chance you get, and to her face if you can do it without getting caught or turning it into a conflict. When she acts completely weird, try to think, "God, it is incredible that she cares..." and try to picture her as a little kid who was mistreated, because that is what happened to her. Once you feel like you know what she's goign to do, and you can manage to do some things that you want too, instead of just constantly trying to appease her (she's unappeasable, believe me, giving in just makes her want more), the better you'll feel. And once you feel better, and she doesn't see you as someone who's goign to disagree with her, you won't get into so many conflicts...

Does any of this help? Let me know if you have a specific situation that's making you feel bad. I know how hard this type is to deal with. After a while, it's just like, 'how nice do I have to be and what's the point and I just want to get the hell out of here...."

-- Edited by Dizzy at 01:34, 2006-06-14

blink · Coach

when you see that there is little potential for upward mobility, it is time for a change.

Kitty · Hermes

Dizzy wrote:

Does any of this help? Let me know if you have a specific situation that's making you feel bad. I know how hard this type is to deal with. After a while, it's just like, 'how nice do I have to be and what's the point and I just want to get the hell out of here...."

-- Edited by Dizzy at 01:34, 2006-06-14

Yeah, it totally makes sense what you posted and I totally, totally relate on many levels. The weird thing with this person is she THINKS she's giving people creative freedom. Its like she has no self-awareness and doesnt' realize she's a raging control-freak.

I'm feeling a little bit better this week because I have two new job leads.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

Kitty wrote:

Dizzy wrote: Does any of this help? Let me know if you have a specific situation that's making you feel bad. I know how hard this type is to deal with. After a while, it's just like, 'how nice do I have to be and what's the point and I just want to get the hell out of here...." -- Edited by Dizzy at 01:34, 2006-06-14 Yeah, it totally makes sense what you posted and I totally, totally relate on many levels. The weird thing with this person is she THINKS she's giving people creative freedom. Its like she has no self-awareness and doesnt' realize she's a raging control-freak. I'm feeling a little bit better this week because I have two new job leads.

I think you hit it on the head when you mentioned you have two new job leads. Whenever I feel the way you are feeling, I start looking for another job. It makes me feel empowered to be able to change the situation I'm in. It usually happens like this-either you find something better and just leave with no regrets, or you realize there is nothing better out there which puts everything into perspective.