STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I think its normal to want to grow and experience things at your age.  Sometimes it IS impossible to do this without time to yourself...its rare for people to truly be able to grow together with someone when they are still discovering so much about who they are.  Not that it gets easier per se or even has to slow down when you get older, but you do know more about what its like to be in other kind of relationships- good and bad, and who you are in each relationship.  I've only had one long term relationship, but other young love affairs, and its interesting to look back, because i truly was a different person in each relationship- every relationship brings out different things in you.  I still think i was the best "version" of me (as part of a couple) in my 7th grade romeo and juliet-esque relationship- witty, charming, and blissfully unafraid of expressing my feelings--- there wasn't any sense of needing to "protect" myself, and when it fell apart, it wasn't even all that devastating because I was hopeful and young and knew that it would happen again.  And it does.  Love will happen again, you WILL meet a guy that is as great, as long as you're open to it...its just a matter of whether you want to be with the great guy now, or take a leap of faith and be alone for a while, not knowing when you'll meet him again next time he comes around.  It could be a few months from now, or a few years from now, and i know that scares a lot of people into staying with their current great guy- who is great, but doesn't challenge them anymore.  I know what you mean about wanting to find a "spark"...my friend and I actually call those guys that you just naturally connect with, both emotionally and physically, "sparks."  I personally would never settle for anything less than a spark.  I broke up with my first long term bf a few months ago- we were together for around 3 years.  I still love him, he's one of the best guys i've ever known (funny, smart, kind, generous, talented, ambitious but not overly so), I was still attracted to him... but something about MYSELF in that relationship felt off.  I felt like I wasn't being who I wanted to be---I want to see the world, and take risks, and feel alive, and get to know myself better.  I almost became a watered down version of myself...I want to be with someone that wants to see the world with me, that wants to experience LIFE with me, that wants more from life.  Maybe I'll end up settling down (in the married with kids sense) eventually, in fact, i'm almost sure i will, but at 22, I don't want my relationship to already feel like its at that stage.  And I know it will all work out, and am thankful that I have a second chance at love, even though I'm still hurt by losing my first love.  And lo and behold, I met another guy..he lives far away, but i think about him all the time (both emotionally and sexually), and even if we don't end up together in the end, cheesy as it sounds, i know i was "meant" to meet him, because he really showed me that I can feel like a 7th grader in love again, except this time, i can actually do something about it- i can see the world with someone, i can fly out to visit, i can create a life for myself that goes beyond the typical work your whole life/climb the career ladder, get married, have kids, live in the suburbs "American Dream".  Not saying that there's something wrong with this, but its not what I personally want, and I'm just starting to figure this out, and the amount of peace it is bringing me is amazing...  I finally feel okay with life and the unknown, and I think my old relationship was making me feel like, "is this all there is?"

So, long thought, but I really think the feelings you have will resurface if you don't explore them now, and it IS exciting to be with someone that you are attracted to- at 20, there is no need to "settle" if you don't want to... great guys surely aren't a dime a dozen, but there is ALWAYS someone else out there.

It's ultimately what you feel is best for you.  From what you've said, If i was in your position, I would probably break up with him, so I could see what it's like without a boyfriend for a while, and to see how strong your feelings are for him and if there is anyone else out there.  I don't think there is any other way to find these things out without having some alone time.  It is hard to be alone after having a boyfriend for so many years, but I don't think you can really knwo for sure if you want to be with your current boyfriend unless you have this time to yourself, and if you end up realizing you want to be with your current bf, he will still be there for you if he truly cares for you.  I hope that helps.