STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

Can I vent for a moment?

asf · Kate Spade

i'm sorry!

that's all.

laken1 · Hermes

I feel for ya, chick. I know it's easy to say not to let her bother you, but I'm 33 & stuff my mom says still gets me. As my MIL told me when I told her of our issues of late "she knows just what buttons to push, afterall, she put them there." Very wise woman that MIL of mine!

So sorry. That's all. (

that asf)

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I know how you feel and it sucks. I posted a while back about how I told my dad my knees hurt and he was like "well, you are have a lot of weight on them" UM WHAT????? I felt so bad afterward. But I know I will never look like how I was in HS so I am not going to try. I only gained 20 pounds since HS (I'm 25 now) and I don't think that's THAT bad. People get older and things happen and I like food and I am not obese so there!!! See, I have my own issues. Just be happy with yourself and enjoy life. Thats how I feel about it. HUGS!!!

Tati · Chanel

so sorry! shes probably jealous that you do look good and that she had to spend all that money and do that cosmetic work to even look good and feel good about herself.

if it helps any, my mom and dad have said their comments to me too. i just had had my 2nd baby and my dad said something so hurtfull! he said that it looked like i was still pregnant and he forgot the baby was already out of me cause my belly was still out. whatever. screw him with those mean comments! but yes, i still love him :)

and to make things worse, my mom is smaller then me in size around the waist and shes all "natural"

Maddie · Coach

Ugh. I think you might be my sister. My mom dropped from like a size 8 to a size 2 recently (in her defense, it's because she's been sick) but she now feels even more comfortable judging me. As evidenced by my recent drama with her.

Anyway, I'm over getting mad at my mom about it. I don't know about you, but from my mother it's not mean spirited, she's just a complete idiot. I'm more upset that I don't have a mother who ever gave a shit about my emotional well being, than I am upset at her. She is who she is. It doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it, I just don't get mad.

One time I read something someone wrote that I felt really hit the nail on the head in regard to this issue. If your parents who are supposed to love you unconditionally feel this way about you, what is some random guy going to think?

Anyway, you're gorgeous. You're fashionable, smart, cultured, funny, you have great friends (here and in real life) and a boy who loves you. Forget her.

Also, this is random, but I remember you saying once that your mom said it would be ok if you brought a woman home. My mom and I have totally had that same discussion. So ridiculous.

poptart · Coach

That is just mean! I'm sorry she said that. I can definitely commiserate with you, but I think that it's natural that it bothers you; she's your Mom for goodness sake! She's only supposed to tell you how beautiful you are and that she supports you and all your decisions.

But, I also think you have to remember to remain focused on your own goals and how *you* want to look and feel comfortable looking. We all know you eat healthfully and consciously, and that's the most important thing. I highly, highly doubt your weight is anything you need to worry about!

Oh, and I toast your white pasta hips with my ice cream tummy!

NCshopper · Hermes

Oh, blubirde, that sucks! It's a terribly mean thing for her to say, but I'm sure it's all the more hurtful since you've been working your ass off! Ugh!

Whenever I get mad about something, my dad always has a good piece of advice for me. He says that you can't control what someone else says or does--the only thing you can control is how you react to it. So, chose not to react. Or chose to realize that it's about her and it has nothing to do with you, even though it feels like it. It's her insecurities, her own body issues.

Anyway, sorry she said that. That's really lame on her part.

itsapinkthing · Coach

OK I've read this post over and over thinking of what to say...
\
I've gone through this with my Dad. Before I met my husband I lost 50 pounds. My Dad always said he wanted to show my husband video from when I was "Fat". A week after the baby was born my Dad was over and said "Well now i can show - that video since your fat again". I magine I just gave birth to his second granddaughter and all he can say is I'm "fat".

I think sometimes our parents think it's acceptable to say anything they want to us. Things they would never say to others, no tact, no restraint. You know if I were you I would confront her, tell her that it's rude and hurtful. I recently re-inacted the conversation I had with my Dad to him and he was shocked. I think he had no idea what exactly he said, or how it made me feel.

FWIW you sound like a well adjusted, educated, confident woman with a great sense of humor. On top of all that you are stylish and beautiful. I'm sure your Mom knows all of this.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

My mom does this too. You want to rise above, but you know that a person you would do anything for has deliberately hurt you. For what feels like no good reason. So it's not so easy. I'm really sorry.

When my mom was still in my life, it helped to just see her wanting to hurt me as something she did because she was scared and thought she had earned it. She went through some crappy things, so whenever she felt bad, she rationalized that it was ok to hurt other people. She didnt' think it hurt them as badly as it did. It's like she still pictured herself as this little kid who couldn't have much effect on the people around her.

It was never personal. She'd do it if she felt like I would get too "big" and get away from her. She'd do it because it had to go somewhere, and she felt "safe" letting it all out on me. She'd do it because she saw things she hated in herself in me, and couldn't stop herself from lashing out.

She never did it because she didn't love me. And honestly, your mother probably thinks you are waaaaaay stronger than she is. Also, if confronted, she will defend to the death her right to say hurtful things, so that's probably not goign to give you much satisfaction to talk to her.

Anyway, I dont' know if this helps or not. Your mom may just be tactless and I'm reading way too much into it. I do know how it feels, though. That slug to the gut, then the rumination and the wanting to say something and the way it gets worse when you do... She does love you though. The parents that don't love their kids hurt them in a different way...

-- Edited by Dizzy at 23:01, 2006-04-20

luckyclover · Dooney & Bourke

itsapinkthing wrote:

You know if I were you I would confront her, tell her that it's rude and hurtful. I recently re-inacted the conversation I had with my Dad to him and he was shocked. I think he had no idea what exactly he said, or how it made me feel.

I agree. Sometimes people just blurt out whatever they want not thinking about what they are really saying. Or sometimes thinking it is funny and it isn't. I would tell her how much that bugs you and maybe she will think before she talks crazy next time. Don't let it get to you

Bastet · Kate Spade

I don't know why moms think they can criticize their daughters without first considering how tacful their words might not be. My mom gave me a complex for a few weeks because she told me that I had fat knees. Hubby thought I'd gone off the deep end when I asked him if my knees were fat.

Here's my theory on why moms of "adult children" feel the need to criticize us: we are independent. My mom "needs" to impose advice/criticism on me because I don't ask for it any more. She needs to feel needed, and by telling me my knees look fat (or my arms look flabby), etc., she thinks she is still "helping" me. Maybe all moms who criticize like that are feeling the same way?