STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

twinkle · Coach

am i a bad friend?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Ok, this is so much more fun than studying, but bear in mind that I am in that place where I'm so tired it feels like I'm drunk:

So, is the question really "What do I owe her?" Because all you owe her is a gentle, "This is what I think is right and here's why, I dont' want to hurt you." But really I'm wondering more what you owe yourself. This guy flaked out on you, her, pretty much everyone and then just came back without explanation? Is that right? And it sounds like you agree that he treated someone who was nice to him like crap. And he has apparently not apologized or tried to make it right with her.

So, youre' being understanding of his problems, right? And you've forgiveen him because you can intuit that it's what he needs? Am I reading this right? Are you sure that offering people something they haven't asked for is really something you want to bother with? And are you sure that he won't treat you like crap as soon as it's convenient for him?

Basically, what I'm wondering is, did he ever explain? Did he ever ask for your understanding? What is this guy like? Is he worth your time? I don't think it really has anything to do with your friend, besides the fact that she will probably not like your keeping this from her.

Anyway, good luck, and if you really think he's a good friend then you don't owe anything to the exgirlfriend, besides courtesy which it sounds like your'e trying to give her, so no problem, right?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Dizzy, I love your comment about being so tired that you feel drunk!

I was in a very similar situation once -- became good friends with a girl who dated a guy friend of mine, then they had a terrible break up and he treated her badly. But the girl never hated him, although she was hurt and had a reason to be angry with him, which I understood and even felt angry on her behalf. They have since become cordial friends. At this point I feel closer to her than to him, even though he and I have been friends for much longer than I've known her.

I agree, the first thing to think about here is what you owe yourself. You can think K treated B badly but still be his friend, if it's what you want. It's also possible you may feel differently if he were to tell you his side of the story. Have you talked about any of this with him? If it were me, I'd be honest with B and say "I understand why you're angry with K, but he is still a friend of mine. I just need you to know that both of you are important to me, and I will never betray your trust to him," something along those lines. Then, as you do spend time with K again, evaluate if he's a good friend and worth your time.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i guess i was an optimist in college because i WAS a strong believer in being friends with someone despite them screwing your friends over. their beef with other people, including your friends is THEIR beef, don't get involved, that doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with that person. yes, it's hard to see someone you care for get dicked over by someone else you care for, but ya know until they do something to YOU, you should still be friends.

well, that was my thinking until it happened over and over where i let my two friends be mad at each other and not get involved, until INEVITABLY, that person dicked me over too. every. single. time. i guess in my fantasy world i thought that we could remain good friends and that the dispute was between them, and it wouldn't happen between us.

here's three things to consider:

what if that person screwed over your bf? your sister? could you still be friends with them?

there's a good chance that if you remain friends with that person, the other person and your friendship will suffer because they will be a little bit hurt that you continue to be friends with the other.

tread carefully. there's a good chance you'll be next.

blink · Coach

well if I were B, I would definitely consider you a bad friend if you didn't let her know what was up. IThat's just me and my standards of friendship, your friend B may not be as demanding.

I have been in a sort of similar situation many years ago. When my new girl friend told me she had spoken on the phone to my ex and had hung out with him, I basically told her that if she wanted to hang out with him, I wouldn't continue hanging out with her but it had been nice meeting her. It wasn't like I was mad at her, I just told her the pragmatic truth, that I couldn't handle it and would choose not to be her friend...that I could live without being her friend. She chose me over him, by the way.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

ok whatever you do, don't keep the friendship w/ K a secret. as is, you're not doing anything wrong by being friends w/ him, but if B finds out you're friends w/ him and finds out you've been keeping it a secret, you will automatically look guilty of doing something wrong for the very reason that you chose not to tell her about it.

as for being friends w/ K to begin w/, imo there are different kinds of friendships. there are tell-each-other-everything friends, hanging-out-and-having-a-good-time friends, chummy-at-work-but-not-really-anywhere-else friends, etc, etc. so not all friendships are created the same. perhaps K would be a great hang-out-and-have-a-good-time friend and it's very possible that while K could be perfectly capable of being a fine friend, he's not (or was not, whatever) capable of being a good boyfriend. and i seem to remember that you're in a committed relationship (am i remembering right?) so i think it's possible for you to be friends w/ K and not have to worry about him f*cking you over because you're not in the same position B was in.

anyway, if you want to be friends w/ K, just tell B that "K's back and we've hung out and he seems to be in a much better place, i just wanted you to know K and I hang out sometimes but I really don't want that to hurt our friendship because you mean the world to me". as long as you tell B what's up, it's on her to decide if she's cool w/ the situation. by keeping your friendship w/ K a secret though, you're robbing her of the power to decide what's best for herself.

hth!

twinkle · Coach

i love you guys. such good advice all around!

basically, what happened was he cheated on her. and admitted it and apologized and groveled and then went into a depression about it and disappeared. i think it was a mistake and i think he is a good guy who realizes he fucked up, but i dont blame her for hating him and not forgiving him.

we've never discussed her or the situation since he came back into my life. he did completely apologize about disappearing and eased himself back into my life in a good way. he's been a good friend to me. i am not worried about him fucking me over bc like esquiress said, i'm not dating him and am in a relationship myself.

so i think i'll tread carefully and will definitely let B know. i just kind of wanted to avoid bringing it u[ and making an issue about it at all. but you guys are right in that i don't want her to find out another way that i'm friends w him.