STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

are you getting what you want from the relationship as it is? if the answer is yes, then that's your choice, and don't expect anything more.

if your answer is no, then don't waste your time.  take him or leave him for who he is. don't let a bunch of ego strokes get to you so he can get you in bed.

if he wanted to be with you, he would still be with you, and you wouldn't be questioning what's going on.

poptart wrote:

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detroit wrote: are you getting what you want from the relationship as it is?  No. That's pretty much the bottom line of why we stopped seeing each other. And I am pretty sure that hasn't changed / won't change, whatever. (Not b/c he's a bad guy - we just want different things) but I was hopeful. Which I admit is stupid.

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no, it's not stupid, it's normal. when we like someone we are hopeful that they will like us as much as we like them. we also tend to assign identities of what we hope the person is or will be vs. who they really are.

so, since you have no control over who he is or what he wants or what he wants to do, look out for yourself - be true to yourself, and accept nothing less than what you want from a relationship.

you are beautiful, and caring, and smart... you deserve nothing less than for someone to adore you and want to be with you for who you are.

 

ETA - when I say "we" I mean women in general, I understand this is a sweeping statement and does not include all women.

 

-- Edited by detroit at 14:48, 2006-04-12

You're NOT a relationship failure! I agree that if you feel like you have to ask where you stand, you already know the answer (and when this happens to me I just don't like it or want to admit it). But that doesn't say anything about you. You were willing to give him a shot, he's not worth it. that's it. And seriously, it will feel so good to walk away from this guy. Well, actually, sometimes it will feel awful and you will want to curl up into a ball and die - but he won't know about those times and everyone feels like that once in a while. And overall, the right to look at him with nothing but pure pity in your heart is pretty much worth it.

Besides, this is the type of guy who freaks us out "Why doesn't he like me enough?" "what is it?" And when he does settle down, it's either with someone he complains about all the time, or someone who has a lot of money (that he complains about all the time), or someone who treats him like shit (that he doesn't have the brains to complain about). And usually the poor girl puts up with way more than I would want a friend of mine to have to tolerate (like the hubby who spent $600 at the strip club while his GORGEOUS wife sat home, 8 1/2 months pregnant...)

You're too good for him. Dump him and never look back.

-- Edited by poptart at 23:12, 2006-04-16

Here's my question: have you been seeing each other long enough to DTR? (define the relationship - this may be slang only my girlfriends and I use, don't know)

Because maybe the "don't waste my time" talk is a bit premature. But then again, maybe it's not. If it's not, sit him down and ask him. Tell him that you like him but you're not up for games and if he isn't serious about you (not in a get-married kind of way but in a we're-not-dating-other-people-and-we're-going-to-see-where-this-goes kind of way), to tell you upfront now before things get more complicated. It's not pressure, it's reality. If he runs, he runs. If he stays, he stays. And then you have your answer.

scarlett wrote:

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blubirde wrote: Here's my question: have you been seeing each other long enough to DTR? (define the relationship - this may be slang only my girlfriends and I use, don't know) I have a friend who says that all the time! Awesome. It's such a perfect term. Bluebirde brings up a good point about whether or not it's too early for a DTR, and she's right -- it doesn't have to be "marry me or else!" I just meant, don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're not happy with how things stand between you now, then it's time to change it.

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that is very true. I didn't say "I love you" first or ask about the future or anything (it can be a sure-fire way to scare someone off) until 4 months down the road when he was implying living together, and only to confirm that's what he wanted, because I was considering moving out of state.

poptart wrote:

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Being a jerk is one thing, but being this flat-out disrespectful?!? I didn't think he had it in him.

 

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This has nothing to do with you, it's all about him. And he's an ass. He'd treat any other girl the same way at this embryonic point in his emotional development. Hang in there and DO NOT EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN, at least not in any meaningful way. You know the scene in An Officer and a Gentleman where Debra Winger tells Richard Gere not to worry about not calling her, because she had a lot of fun, and then sashays off, leaving him to punch the jukebox alone (that is not a euphemism, although I guess it could be). Just keep picturing yourself as her and hold your head up.

Btw, he's scared to call you now, because he waited too long and expects you to be mad. So if you run into him again, expect him to be weird. Oh, and from personal experience, it helps to practice pitying him in the mirror, or at least by yourself. I honestly practice phrases like, "Oh really, that's nice... pause, pause pause. Well, I really do have to go. Nice to see you..." It's like acting, that way you can sort of revert to the role you've set up when you do see him. And you don't have to worry about getting all stressed or being too eager. Plus, it gives you a way to work out the anger.

Wow. I can't believe I just admitted how weird I am to y'all... but good luck sweetie, you are tougher than this ass! And waayyyyy too good for him!