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Post Info TOPIC: Friendship issues - Long!!!
curiouscookie


BCBG

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Posts: 156
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Friendship issues - Long!!!
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Need Advice:

What would you do with a girlfriend - who was part of a group I am really close to. Think of them as my family away from home. But I have never been really close to her individually. The group of friends was tight knit but she was always the most self-centered and wanted to be entertained, but never contribute anything in terms of time or effort, emotional support or real friendship.

Recently the dynamics within the group of friends has changed. Some of my friends have left and only 2 guys are still around. She got seperated with her husband and we were all friends with them through him. He is a great guy, very friendly, giving and a great friend. She definitely wants to be a part of the group of friends coz she doesn't want to miss out on the attention she would get from us but doesn't do a thing. An example is in the many years we have known each other we hung out almost every weekend - potlucks, dinners, parties, etc - always at our homes - even though at the time we were all grad students - had roomate situations, etc. While they had a home we never got invited to. She never brought anything to the potlucks or helped once over with setting up, or cleaning. Her hubby on the other hand always made up by bringing store bought stuff or alcohol. He doesn't cook much and even though she thinks of herself as a foodies/chef - never but twice made anything!!!

What really gets me is this girl went to her family for christmas and new year's but never once did we hear from her to wish anyone anything even though we all sent out a group email wishing each other. Those of us who were in town celebrated both holidays together. But after she's back in town she calls me to see if I can drop her off and pick her up from the airport - both times were really inconvenient - 3/4am and 11:30pm. I was ill when she was leaving so asked if she could get another friend to drop her and who does she call? Not her friend who live close by for whom she does the whole holiday thing - gives some lame excuse that this person's dog has seperation anxiety - what the hell!!! But calls one of the boys from our group of friends who lives 20 minutes in the other way and 40 minutes from the airport to drop her at 4am !!! When she returns I had a migraine but still set my alarm to go pick her up and she never even once thanks me for coming to get her with a bad headache or asks about it!!!

Here's the current situaton:
We had this tradition of celebrating all the friends birthdays and did a big joint gift so that the person got something good they wanted or enjoyed. But this year she never even called and wished one of the guys whose b'day was last month - no email - nothing. I was angry for him. But now its her b'day and she definitely wants us to do something for her. Maybe I am being a bitchy girl but it really angers me when a person does not uphold their end of friendship - simple considerations, courtseys and wishes. This same guy who will bitch to me about her being uncaring also likes to be a bit of a goody two shoes. So he emailed about us her b'day saying she would up for for something - as in dinner/celebration and asking if everyone wanted to do a gift or a gift card.
I think we should not go overboard since she does not reciprocate. The guys are so resistant to telling her to straighten up even though they say it in private. They say that they don't expect much from her - but then why should they out go of their way to make plans for her all that? (These 2 guys by the way are really sweet and caring but they just can't say no or be hard to this girl!)
I am going to call her up for her b'day but don't feel much like doing more than that for her.
What should I do and how should I handle it? Am I right in thinking this way or am I being an uber bitch??



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Starstuff


Kenneth Cole

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Posts: 429
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curiouscookie wrote:


she was always the most self-centered and wanted to be entertained, but never contribute anything in terms of time or effort, emotional support or real friendship. ... it really angers me when a person does not uphold their end of friendship - simple considerations, courtseys and wishes. ...I am going to call her up for her b'day but don't feel much like doing more than that for her. What should I do and how should I handle it?


Well, it seems like this person doesn't make an effort for other people, so maybe it's time she's on the receiving end of her behavior? If you don't feel like organizing something for her birthday -- don't! If other people want to, then join them, but don't go out of your way for someone who doesn't reciprocate. If one of your other friends asks if something is happening to celebrate her bithday, don't take it as a suggestion that you have to organize anything. Just play dumb "No, I hadn't heard if we are getting dinner / getting her a gift. Do you know anything about that? No, oh well then..."


ETA: I re-read your post and it seems like others are organizing something. If you really don't want to go, maybe just make an excuse -- sick, busy with work, relative visiting, etc. I think it's better for everyone involved to skip a party rather than go to one and be resentful/unhappy about the waste of time that you're there. But that is my own opinion -- I don't go to social events I don't want to. I'd get pissy when I did, and didn't enjoy myself. It's not worth the time or the effort.



-- Edited by Starstuff at 14:39, 2006-04-11

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"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - G. Radner
Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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I think you're right in feeling this way - no one would like being around someone who acts the way she does. She's a user, and selfish and completely inappropriate.

I guess I think the guys have the right idea, though. Obviously, the things you do for her will not come back to you, but doing things for eachother is just the way people in the group handle themselves. And maintaining something like the group of people you have sounds pretty important - it's rare and special to have a group that puts that much time into eachother. I sort of get the feeling the guys have decided that putting up with her is worth it, in the end, because it's what they do and how they want to live their life (I have friends like this back home).

So that makes me think that a basic birthday celebration is just paying your dues to have something as great as this group of people in your life. But I wouldn't do her any favors again, like the airport ride. And I would probably give her some pretty broad hints about what you expect from her. Maybe even a sit-down where you say something like "I know how much is going on in you life right now, and I'm really sorry for that. You know we're always here for you, and we don't mind doing things for you. I guess I would like to know that we mean something to you, too..." If you think she'd be receptive. And you won't choke on the "don't mind" part.

Good luck. She really sounds like a pain.

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blubirde


Chanel

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Assuming you can't get out of a bday thing without looking really bad, can you suggest a smaller gift? Maybe $10 instead of $20 (or whatever)?



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alb


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2322
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Starstuff wrote:

ETA: I re-read your post and it seems like others are organizing something. If you really don't want to go, maybe just make an excuse -- sick, busy with work, relative visiting, etc. I think it's better for everyone involved to skip a party rather than go to one and be resentful/unhappy about the waste of time that you're there. But that is my own opinion -- I don't go to social events I don't want to. I'd get pissy when I did, and didn't enjoy myself. It's not worth the time or the effort.-- Edited by Starstuff at 14:39, 2006-04-11
I agree with this.  I just wouldn't go.  The airport thing would have been the last straw for me.  If I felt like I had to go, I'd do what blubirde suggested and wouldn't contribute much towards the gift.  If noone tells her or conveys to her in other ways that her behavior is unacceptable, she'll just keep doing it.  I personally would try to block her out of my life and try to make plans just with the other ppl--but that's just me.

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