STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

what about 1 great and 1 horrible one?

well, I suppose whether one considers their parents good or bad is subjective and cannot be judged by others unless they walk a mile in their shoes.

I'm not sure how to answer, so I'm going w/ okay.

My parents were not great, but better than just okay when I was 16.  Unfortunately, I'm now 31 and they still treat me like I'm 16, which is not so great. 

I have great parents....although its taken me some time to realize.  The older I get, the more I appreciate all they have done for me.  I've actually had coworkers tell me that my parents did a great job raising me...kind of weird but I told my parents and they of course loved the complement!

I'm really blessed to have the greatest parents in the world. They love each other so much and love my brother, sister and I infinitely....they brought us up in a Christian home (I know Christianity isn't for everyone, but it works great for us!!) and taught us strong morals and values, they are very conservative, but probably the funnest people I know...life was perfect! hahaha...you know that last part isn't true...but the rest of it is!!

I guess it depends on your point of view. I don't feel cheated because I didn't get a car at 16. My parents raised us with the expectation that you have to earn things, not just be "given" them...unlike how some of the current generations seem to have been raised. I don't really think my parents expectations were unreasonable, and neither my brother nor I were abused.

But my family is very stoic and nothing's ever "wrong" and we don't discuss the elephant(s) in the living room...ever. I got very little emotional support from them, and it's only now, in my thirties, with the help of counseling, that I'm learning to understand that it was *okay* for me to have needed (and still need) that.

Technically my parents were very good - they provided for us, any way they needed to. My dad worked two and three jobs to make ends meet, when my mom was home with us (she quit working - in 1967 you didn't work through your pregnancy, nor did you head right back to work (at least, most women didn't) after you had children). My mom stayed home until I was about 15 and my brother was 12. They provided a roof over our heads, health care, dental care, food, etc.- all the major necessities, on sometimes a very minimal budget.

And yet...I remember no one to whom I felt I could turn when I had problems, or just needed a shoulder. I can't remember my mom holding me in her lap, ever, or rocking me, or doing any of those cuddly-type things with me as a child. When I was 15 and failed my first driver's license test because I didn't parallel park well, she told me to "go to hell" on the drive home. (She was mad because she thought I should have practiced more). Mom's stock response to teenaged boy trouble (like a breakup) was, "Get over it. There are other guys out there." When I cut my wrists at 19, and my boyfriend told my folks (after the fact), she handed me a number to a suicide prevention hotline. I think she knew I was sad (depressed) but didn't know how to deal. Or maybe she just thought it was normal teen angst - we've never discussed it so I have no idea.

And Dad? Dad's only real communications were yelling at me when my car broke down...which it did a lot (my first car, that I could afford, was pretty crappy). He wasn't around much when I was younger (those two and three jobs) and Mom used to say, "Your father worries about you, and yelling is the only way he knows how to express that". Okay, but it didn't really make me feel close to him. When I was arrested at 17 for shoplifting, my father grounded me "indefinitely" (turned out to be about three weeks) and that was the only discussion the family ever had about it. I did my community service and that was that.

I know my parents love me. And I love them. And I am relatively close to both of them - but it's a surface closeness. I taught my family to hug each other on a regular basis - either when greeting each other or saying goodbye - when I was in college. We never used to do it, and until it became a habit, they used to say tease me about it constantly. I would not say that I had bad parents. But I'm trying to deal with my trust issues and learning to understand that the things I need in life are okay to need. To know that I don't have to be strong all the time (DH tells me this a lot) and that people *would* actually be there for me if I ever let my guard down.

People say that no matter how much you do for your kids, they're always going to be screwed up in some way, so you just do your best and hope they don't end up too messed up despite your efforts. I have the feeling that if I did ever have children, I'd overcompensate for what I didn't have, and they'd be saying, "Back off a bit, Mom!" And they'd probably grow up to feel like their family life was messed up too. ~wry smile~

ATL - brilliantly written and fully understood

Dizzy - you are absolutely right

Well, I think I turned out well (hee!) except for my naughty little penchant for taking a nip or two from the bottle...

My parents did things I didn't and still don't like. They also did some good things, obviously. I have baggage from them, of course. But pretty much everything good in me came from them, too. That's the good kind of baggage, the kind no one really considers. The good thing about all the bad things they did is that I learned from their mistakes. If I ever decide to have kids, I'll know what to do and what NOT to do.

And, like Dizzy, most people have no clue what my homelife was really like. People think they know a good family vs. a bad family, just because of the package they get presented. It's not all about that. Can't judge a book by its cover and all that jazz.

So I voted "okay" parents because they were sometimes good and sometimes bad.

My parents are the best evah!!  Seriously, they totally supported my brother, sister and I growing up.  They always put the family first and showed that in everything they did and the decisions they made for our family.

The thing I most admire about my parents is their ability to raise independent children.  We ate dinner together at night, but what made the dinners so great (well, my mom is a GREAT cook, but that's not it), is that my parents really TALKED to us during the meals.  They asked us what we thought and valued our opinions.  I remember being really young and wondering what I should do about something and my Dad asking "what do YOU want to do" and really challenging me to think about what I wanted. 

As a result, my brother, sister and I were often referenced in our very small town as "great kids".  People asked my mom and dad how they got so lucky... but they didn't get lucky, their hard work got them a strong family unit and "good kids". 

The other thing I really love about my family is that my siblings and I all feel equal.  I have a friend who constantly keeps score about what her brothers and sisters are getting.  I've never felt compelled to do that and it doesn't appear to me my siblings have either.  I think this is because our parents recognized our differences and praised our very diverse individual talents.  

The thing I am most thankful about regarding my parents is their focus on education from a "lifelong learning" perspective.  I remember being 9 and reading the newspaper with my dad.  It was a nightly ritual.  I am sure it is one of the reasons I read 5 papers a day now and am also sure it is the reason that I love learning about the world and different perspectives.  Sure, when I was 13, it was annoying that the TV was always tuned to a documentary, baseball game or news program, but today I'm glad I have a penchant for entertainment outside of sitcoms and know that is partly because when my friends were watching Life Goes On, I was home watching 60 minutes!!

A common saying is that you really understand the measure of a man during hard times.  I guess you could use the same saying for parents.  My family went through two very trying emotional events when my sister and I were both the victims of heinous crimes within a few years of each other.  I saw my father bawl and my mother sob, but I also saw them stand up and protect our family.  I saw them beside my sister and I through it all and I saw my family unit grow even stronger.  I saw them take the steps to get my sister and I the help we needed emotionally and legally and greater than 15 years later, I can say without a doubt that the decisions they made together during these trying times have helped to shape the individuals that my sister and I have become and I'm proud of what that is.