STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

i don't think it's silly...if you wanted kids and he didn't, that would be a "legitimate" dealbreaker, right?  so why not a dog?

i think that if it's meant to be with him, then he'll compromise on the dog issue.  but you have to make it clear before you accept that you will absolutely not back down about having a dog.  if he really is against it, maybe he's not the one...i know that if it were me, and we did move in/get married/whatever, i'd always resent not being able to have a dog - especially once we had kids.

so...i don't think you're being unreasonable...i wouldn't necessarily say it's a dealbreaker, but it's definitely something that needs further discussion before any "deals" are made.

good luck!

Maybe you could ask him to write down all his fears/concerns about having a dog? That way he really has to examine why he doesn't want one. Additionally, he might benefit from a list of reasons why you think a dog would be a good idea. That way, the disagreement is grounded in logic, as opposed to emotion. Then go over your lists together -- maybe is concern is that he'll have to walk/feed/clean up after the dog all the time. maybe he's afrid he'll feel jealous. Maybe he's afraid of dogs.

P.S. -- I'm totally "love me, love my cat", so I understand what you're thinking. If DH wouldn't have liked my crazy cat, he would have gotten the boot.   

two questions: 

first, how invested are you in the relationship? 

second, how bad do you want the dog?

if your investment in the relationship outweighs your want of the dog, there's your answer. 

but it sounds like you really want the dog but are also very invested in the relationship.  in which case, pose the above two questions to him.  as in, how invested is he in the relationship and how bad does he not want the dog?

one of you will have to give, but i don't necessarily think the "giver" is doomed to be secretly unhappy.  for example, lets say he caves and lets you have the dog.  you guys can work out what kind of dog to get, who will take care of it, etc., etc. everything's negotiable you know? 

also, maybe my friend's story may help you.  she dealt with the exact same scenario but in her case she was the one who didn't want the dog but her BF did.  she compromised and said "if we get one, you have to be the primary caretaker.  this can't be a situation where I have to take care of your dog.  so if you work late, you better get a doggie sitter because i'm not going to be responsible for walking it every night."  he said fine.  they still don't have a dog btw, but i think now he's fine with the fact that he can get one if he wants to. 

oh and i don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  imo, there's no such thing as an unreasonable dealbreaker.  if it's important to you, then that's it.  doesn't mean you can't make it work or negotiate your way around it though.  anyway, hth and good luck!

Starstuff wrote:

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Maybe you could ask him to write down all his fears/concerns about having a dog?

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wow...

i'm going to pm you.

Yes, a dog would be a deal breaker for me.  I've had dogs my entire life, and I can't imagine changing it.  That said, I probably wouldn't go on two dates w/ someone who doesn't like dogs, so I might be a little more extreme in my views than you.

Reading that email, I just wonder what kind of experience your guy has had with dogs.  My dog doesn't smell, doesn't track mud, doesn't bark or whimper, doesn't chew my shoes, or do any of those horrible things he describes.  Those are things that are easy to manage.  And frankly, when you truly love your dog, you enjoy running home to take them for walks.  I know a lot of dog owners and none of them are ever bitching about their dog interfering with their freedom.

I'm probably going to overstep my bounds here...The last part of his email *really* bothers me.  Calling you selfish and saying that you are betraying him is completely rude, unnessesary, and, frankly, makes your bf sound like a complete jerk hole.  Obviously I don't know you well, but you seem like an extremely kind and generous person.  You are clearly putting a lot of thought into this and considering his point of view, that is not selfish at all.  And, the comment about guys making fun of "fake dogs"...please!  Are other guys opinions more important than you having something you've really wanted for a long time?

Whoa! 

Okay, seriously, you got that email over a dog???  A dog.  He apparently doesn't have time for a dog, nor does he want the responsibility of having to clean up after one or have one ruin his stuff.  Okay, that's fine, but what the hell is his response going to be if/when you want kids???  Yikes!

The dog issue to me isn't a huge concern--some people want them and love them, and some people don't.  Okay, fine.  But to me the issue is that he's turned this all back around on you and been insulting and arrogant in the process.  I'm not digging his communication skills. 

Um, I have 2 really cute dogs who beg, steal food from my son's highchair, track in dirt and sand, chew things, and who love to dig out from under the fence and have neighborhood adventures.  (ARghh!) So, I happen to think owning dogs is overrated, but if anyone asked me to give up cats (cats really are so much easier) I could relate.   If he were a really really perfect guy, then I would consider it.

BUT it's this email from the guy that indicates to me that he isn't even worth giving up something trivial, he's sounds really insensitive and stubborn, hopefully he's just having a bad day?