STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bex · Chanel

i'm dissapointed... should i be?

Kel · Coach

I can relate. My boyfriend has a stupid job now that he hates. Yeah sure it pays good money and all but there is no future to it. He is so comfortbale though that he quit looking for jobs for months, or he would never follow up on it. Now I don't know what I said or did but I got his ass back into gear. Trust me I know how frustrating it is. Plus I am in the same situation where i want to move also. My b/f was dragging, not saying anything when i would mention it. Finally, I was like listen, I am going with or without you. I am only putting applying to jobs there. He is now willing to talk about it and he now brings up the subject of moving. I think you need to just be forceful, and if it is something you want to do you have to go for it, or else there will be resentment.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

If he wants to stay so badly, why can't he just tell you that? Why the charade? He's clearly not doing a good job of pretending, right? I don't know, reading this just made me angry for you. Why do you have to dig all the information out of him? If he doesn't want to go, that is information you need and deserve. So why isn't he telling you this? Is this his normal modus operandi, or is this something specific to this problem?

Having said that, it's possible this isn't a job he really wants, or there's something else about it that he's not telling you. So he didn't want to get your hopes up, which is reasonable.

But overall, it sounds like an honest talk is a good idea. If he doesn't want to go, and you think he is willing to lose you over it, then are you willing to lose him over the question? Can you live with that?

I'm sorry, this one sounds really hard. Good luck!

laken1 · Hermes

Do what's best for you. Is it a dealbreaker for you to stay there? We all know you have been wanting to move for a long time & it seems like instead of facing the problem he's procrastinating his side hoping you'll forget about it. Bex, I hate to be the meany, but that's just not fair to you. He has to know your feelings about it & he's being really really selfish. Also, you have to wonder if he'll handle all of your big decisions this way? What about if you want to do major things, like buy a house, have a baby, something else major & life changing - it just makes me wonder if he'll try to force you into his way forever - does that make sense? You only get one life, honey, live it like you want to! If he isn't in agreement & it's something that 's really important to you, move on. He may come with you, he may not, but I just hate to see you facing the same issue over & over & him not dealing with something that is obviously important to you.

Sorry if that is harsh or if i repeated something someone else already said - I wrote without reading the other responses so I wouldn't be jaded.

{{{hugs}}}}

NCshopper · Hermes

Ditto ditto ditto to what laken1 said. I'm inclined to think that if he's not communicating his wishes on something that's a big deal to you both, then this pattern of avoidance is very likely to continue in the future.

You know the saying that the best way of testing someone is to leave and say what they do? Well part of me wonders what would happen if you decided to move. I think it would cause some major soul-searching on his part. If he were to decide that he really wanted to be with you and moved with you, then you know you have a keeper. If not, well then at least you know what your priorities are.

So I say do what will make you happy. If moving is what will make you happy, then go for it. Your bf will follow if he really wants to be with you.

This whole situation sounds so awful and I really feel for you. I also know that job hunting for guys (and women too) can be totally demoralizing and that fear of rejection can be absolutely paralyzing, so maybe some of that is going on too.

Good luck to you and lots of hugs.

lynnie · Chanel

i think you should move out- i agree that it will cause some soul searching on his part. I don't think you should be too hard on him if he decides to stay though- except for the part of him dragging his feet about it. Because would you stay there forever to be with him? He might feel the same way about this other city. Is there any way to meet in the middle? Or is the problem that he hasn't honestly explained how he feels about moving?

bex · Chanel

funny- you hit on several items that have been worrying me as well laken.

Is it a dealbreaker for you to stay there?

pretty much so. since i graduated from college i have wanted to live in the city. when i first graduated, it was NYC. unfortunately things didn't work out and I am now where i am. however, i have come to appreciate Columbus for what it is and would be happy there for the next 3-4 years. BF knew this going into the relationship with me. He said he too wanted to move. Now that we have the opportunity, he doesn't want to do anything about it.

Also, you have to wonder if he'll handle all of your big decisions this way? What about if you want to do major things, like buy a house, have a baby, something else major & life changing - it just makes me wonder if he'll try to force you into his way forever - does that make sense?

completely makes sense. which is what worries me the most about this whole deal. i think we have spent our entire relationship thinking the other one would change. he always knew i wasn't entirely sure i wanted to have kids and that i wanted to live in the city and wanted to travel a lot for my job. i knew he wanted kids ASAP, would like to retire to the country and live in the 'burbs. I want a loft downtown or an old victorian home i completely renovate myself. He wants a big home he helped design and construct. I ask him constantly if it worries him that we don't match up on some of the big stuff- and he says no and asks why i constantly ask him that.

and dizzy

If he wants to stay so badly, why can't he just tell you that? Why the charade? He's clearly not doing a good job of pretending, right?

right... and that is the big question everyone keeps asking me... why doesn't he just tell me how he feels. i never really pushed him to talk about his feelings and emotions b/c it just isn't in him to do that. never has. he is more of a shower than a talker. a listener more than a talker. the writing is on the wall. i just need the strength to do what will make me happy. the sad thing is... we have a fantastic friendship that i'll hate to ruin... which i am very afraid will happen if/when i move.

So why isn't he telling you this? Is this his normal modus operandi, or is this something specific to this problem?

yup, normal modus operandi... he never talks about anything. as i said before- he's a shower and listener. but sometimes... you just gotta open up and share...

*sigh*

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I think you already know my opinion, but you need to move. If you don't your relationship will never be the same. It may never be the same if you do move, but you will always hold it against B if you don't move.

This is something you have wanted for entirely too long. If it is meant to be it will be. I understand all the confusion and questions about moving and I know it is so hard. If I was in your shoes I don't know that I could do it, but I know that I would want people telling me I should move. Basically, I don't think you will ever be happy if you don't.

ETA: After giving it some thought I decided me telling you to move was probably harsh. So here is the flip side. If B does not want to move and you do move are you okay losing him? Are you okay knowing that your decision may result you guys not being together. It's okay to not make this decision because you don't want to risk losing him. Other things will come along and you will probably end up very happy and may only slightly regret not moving (and only regretting it for the sake of gaining that experience). I hope this makes sense. I don't think you shouldn't move just because you don't want to lose him, but if you don't think your life will be complete without him- as in he is your better half and you intend to be that way until death do you part- then maybe you don't really want to move. That doesn't mean you can't dream and at some point move there together when timing is better. Just keep this in mind.

Basically, you have to make a decision- Is your possible happiness in moving and your potential new life greater than your happiness where you are right now with your bf??

-- Edited by HeatherLynn at 23:20, 2006-03-27

relrel · Marc Jacobs

HeatherLynn wrote:

If you don't your relationship will never be the same. It may never be the same if you do move, but you will always hold it against B if you don't move. This is something you have wanted for entirely too long. If it is meant to be it will be. I understand all the confusion and questions about moving and I know it is so hard. Basically, I don't think you will ever be happy if you don't.

this is how i feel too.

bex...this is gonna come off really harsh and probably pretty cynical so fair warning!

boyfriends come and go...you are here to stay. you gotta make yourself happy first, then worry about other people later. if he isn't willing to talk about this to or really to even think about moving than perhaps you just need to bite the bullet and move yourself to the big city. don't be kicking yourself five or ten years down the road because you didn't do something that you've always had your heart set on.

let me ask you this...will you end up hating him in the years to come for not moving? will this always be something that sticks in the back of your throat?

blink · Coach

bex wrote:

my girlfriends, my family and his family all think i should move out without him. that way it will force him to make a decision. problem being. i am pretty sure that it will be the dealbreaker. i am pretty sure he is soooo comfortable with where he is that he will never move.

Sorry he's disappointing you, but if you don't move out like your loved ones are advising you to, you are just inviting more of the same. Move out for you (not to make him decide something), if he doesn't follow you, it's on him.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

hugs to you bex. I know this is tough for you but I think you know what you should do. I think the hard part is finding the courage within you to do what is right for you and what will make you happy. I will try to send you a pm tomorrow.

member · Hermes

I'm so sorry you have to go through this Bex. I think that for a relationship to work, both people have to want to move - maybe he just doesn't want to move, so he's stalling...is that a possibility? Like the other girls said - you have to ask yourself the question - will you be ok if you move and the two of you breakup as a result? Or can you not imagine life w/out him? If so, maybe you have to weigh what's more important to you - moving or being w/him. But, I think it sucks that he's forcing you to make that decision. He needs to sit down and be open and honest w/you about why he's being this way. Any chance you can try to talk to him about it one more time? If he won't talk, maybe then it is time to move on.

Hugs Bex - keep us updated

shopgirl82 · Chanel

a big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))).

i agree with the others. you've been settling in where you've been living for much longer than you had planned. this is YOUR life. if you yearn to be a city mouse you should be a city mouse. you'll end up resenting him if you stay a country mouse.

i'm sorry you're in such a tough place. i know you will find the courage.

blubirde · Chanel

bex wrote:

ARGH!!!!!!!!!! my girlfriends, my family and his family all think i should move out without him. that way it will force him to make a decision.

I think that's the most telling thing you posted. We can all give you advice, day in and day out, but truth is, we only know what you tell us. If your friends, family, and his family all thing you moving is the best thing, then it probably is.

I agree with what everyone else is saying. It's a pro and con situation, ya know? It's unfair to sacrifice for someone who's not willing to sacrifice for you. It's also unfair to force someone to sacrifice for you if you're not willing to sacrifice for them. (I think you are willing to sacrifice for him. If 15 months in a place you don't want to be isn't clear enough, I don't know what is.)

Maybe you can point out to him how long you've lived in the town you're currently in and he owes you at least that much time in the place YOU want to live.

And finally, and this is a bit harsh, but you know the saying fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? There's a point where sitting around and waiting for him becomes your fault and not his. If you decide to stick it out in the place you're in now, you'll have to accept that decision as your own, not as one he forced you into. It's hard to do but it's the only way you'll ever have a successful relationship if you decide to stay.

Good luck, whichever path you choose!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

aye carumba. dealbreakers can be such a b*tch, especially at this stage of a relationship. seriously, i don't know how many two/three/five/seven year relationships have broken up because of them. anyway, let's focus on your situation specifically:

here's what i can remember about your relationship: i remember you posting about being very ambitious and maybe not wanting kids and i remember him being the exact opposite. i also remember you being big on moving for a while now (even back during the fashionhag days) and it doesn't seem as if that desire has abated at all, more like it's just gotten stronger. i remember thinking it was like you were the city mouse and he was the country mouse. which i'm sure is an oversimplification but i guess all that would signal that you two want different things out of life and should probably part ways...

except...i also remember him being the sweetie pie who took you shopping and made you try on a bunch of outfits when he knew you were feeling down about your body image. i remember thinking what a sweetheart he is...

with regard to him not communicating his desires--i'm guessing that he doesn't want to tell you what he really wants because he knows it's different than what you want and if/when you guys finally put it all out on the table, that will be the death knell for your relationship. and maybe he's desperately afraid of that being the case. so he thinks that if he doesn't talk about it, he's staving off the break-up. i don't know, i am just guessing...

one more thing i just remembered: i remember you posting a long time ago that you guys had talked about it and you started crying and asked him what is going to happen (or something along those lines) and he said something to the effect of "you'll just do what you want, you always do." maybe i'm just remembering wrong but if i'm not--that says a lot bex. i think he thinks that at some point you'll just do what you want and that's when he'll have to deal. it sounds like your family/friends feel the same way.

the thing about that is, let's say you do move, let's say you roll the dice and see if he follows...what then? if he doesn't, are you ok with the ramifications? meaning leaving a guy who you know loves you very much? that's why i can't totally advocate moving...because i'm not going to be the one who has to deal with the pain such a move will inevitably entail. only you can make that decision sweetie. just know that no matter what i support you 100% and that there are no easy answers. and also that whatever decision you make, it'll be ok. know why? because you're an awesomely fabulous person, that's why. and no matter where you live or who you're with, that fact will never change. ((((((((big hugs sweetie)))))))))

bex · Chanel

esquiress- all of your "exceptions" are what are holding me back from doing this...

*sigh* sorry to keep throwing this topic up and beating a dead horse with you guys...

i came back last night from being away 4 nights and it was so.good. to see him...

jj · Kate Spade

Ok, here's one more thing to think about - how far away would you be moving from where you live now? If it's only a few hours, I would consider moving and just doing the long distance thing for a while.

If he's kind of shy, I don't see anything wrong with you making the first move and then hopefully he will see how great city life can be. Also, who knows, you might hate it and want to move back. In an ideal world, you would want to do the same things at the same time, but I don't see anything wrong with you taking the first step.