STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

alb · Marc Jacobs

More MIL issues re: death in family (long)

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i'd be totally annoyed too. it's just obvious she's trying to shut you out in any way she can, whether it's by witholding info or plane tickets or whatever. and it was bad before but goodness sake you'd think she'd stop w/ these juvenile tactics. you're her son's wife and her granddaughter's mother, i'd think that alone would warrant a little respect! not to mention you're a totally terrific human being. anyway, i don't really know that you can do anything proactive in this situation, just keep rising above it, i guess. although honestly, i just want to shake her! so sorry you're having to deal w/ this.

alb · Marc Jacobs

Thanks, Esquiress, for validating my feelings (and calling me terrific-that was really sweet!). It helps to know that you would feel the same way in this situation. I agree that there is nothing proactive that I can do (but I kind of wish there was), and I definitely don't want to stress out my husband right now. I swear it's never ending with her. Uggh!!

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I'm sorry you have to put up with this but sadly some MILs are just like that and you can't do anything about it. My grandmother can be like that with my mom because she is mad at her because my dad lives down here and not by them. It was actually my dad's decision before he met my mom but oh well she doesn't think that and she will never change.

I guess you just have to take her with a grain of salt. I don't blame you for being aggravated/upset but it won't do you any good to get worked up about it. You just need to remember you are the better person here and don't let her get to you.

erin · Chanel

i'd be really put off by this..but i think you are making the right call of not making a stink about it because of the situation.

i agree with everything esquiress said.

luckylily · Gucci

It sounds to me like she wanted to have some strange control over the situation and insure that she was the one who got to tell your DH the news. By withholding information from you she is excluding you from the inner circle of the family.

I may be reading too much into it, but it sounds to me like she is a bit jealous that she's not the #1 woman in your husband's life anymore. She is creating situations where she gets to share moments with him, or in this case, be the one to comfort and inform him of GF's death.

This would totally annoy me to no end, and I absolutely think you have every right to be upset. However, you are totally right to let this one go. We've got to give a little when a family death is involved.

alb · Marc Jacobs

luckylily wrote:

It sounds to me like she wanted to have some strange control over the situation and insure that she was the one who got to tell your DH the news. By withholding information from you she is excluding you from the inner circle of the family. I may be reading too much into it, but it sounds to me like she is a bit jealous that she's not the #1 woman in your husband's life anymore. She is creating situations where she gets to share moments with him, or in this case, be the one to comfort and inform him of GF's death.

This is exactly what it is, and she does this stuff ALL the time! I've thought this for a very long time and others have told me the same thing, but I can't get my husband to admit it. I'm even more mad now b/c my hubby made excuses for her yesterday. I just asked him if he thought it was strange that she did that, and he said that she probably didn't know all of the details until she talked to him!! Uggh!! She is the most manipulative, controlling and annoying person on the planet!! Noone in hubby's family ever confronts her--they are USED TO IT. Really, it's totally driving me insane. Then last night, she found tix for us, and she booked the first one (my ticket, b/c I'm coming back a day earlier), then lost the 2nd one. So she only had one ticket and I swear I think she asked hubby if he just wanted to use that and I could stay home b/c I *think* I heard him say "No, we need two tix, Mom." I asked him and he totally denied it. I don't know if he's lying or what but I am so frustrated! I know I need to let this go, but it's really hard to right now b/c I'm so mad. Okay, thanks for letting me vent girls!

blink · Coach

Ugh. It would be really hard not to confront her about it. If it were me, I would be asking my husband to speak up on my behalf, not that it would change things, but at least how I felt about it would not be unknown.

alb · Marc Jacobs

We've tried that and it just backfires. Either she won't talk to hubby for weeks at a time or she'll counter with the whole "alb is hyper sensitive, she needs to toughen up bit." Then the Dad, afraid of her wrath, ends up taking her side and it's just a mess. I talked to hubby a little more about it today when he called. he was in a chatting mood and was very sweet about the fact that I am coming with him (I would ever consider not coming, but he's used to his mother who never supports his dad with anything), b/c we are missing out on 2 really fun parties and a bunch of other fun things we had planned. I told him about the hesitation I have with his mother and that I really do think she was withholding info from me, and that I felt like she intentionally tries to exclude me from things. At least he finally agreed with me and admitted it, which makes it a little more tolerable. he also said that we are not going for her, but to support his Dad and his uncles and to say goodbye to his g-father. They all have issues with her and each has their own way of dealing with it. he said that I should just try to ignore her. Uggh.

NCshopper · Hermes

That really sucks, alb. I'm sorry you have to put up with that crap--I'm amazed that no one in the family calls her on it. I'm glad that your hubby is starting to realize that his mom is a pain in the ass though--I think that's a good start. I think if he starts to see enough of her behavior like this, then maybe he'll say something to her eventually.

Unfortunately, I think if you were to say something to his mom, it would get you nowhere. I think she'd just retaliate and end up being more hurtful, so I think the best way to handle it is to have your hubby talk to her when he feels comfortable doing so. Something along the lines of "Mom, it hurts my feelings when you withhold information from alb and treat her as an outsider. She's a part of the family now and I'd appreciate if you started treating her that way." or something along those lines. If she realizes that her actions are hurting him, she'll be more likely to change, I think.

alb · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

That really sucks, alb. I'm sorry you have to put up with that crap--I'm amazed that no one in the family calls her on it. I'm glad that your hubby is starting to realize that his mom is a pain in the ass though--I think that's a good start. I think if he starts to see enough of her behavior like this, then maybe he'll say something to her eventually. Unfortunately, I think if you were to say something to his mom, it would get you nowhere. I think she'd just retaliate and end up being more hurtful, so I think the best way to handle it is to have your hubby talk to her when he feels comfortable doing so. Something along the lines of "Mom, it hurts my feelings when you withhold information from alb and treat her as an outsider. She's a part of the family now and I'd appreciate if you started treating her that way." or something along those lines. If she realizes that her actions are hurting him, she'll be more likely to change, I think.

Thanks so much NCS. I appreciate your insight and that sounds like great advice. unfortunately my hubby and I are now in a fight b/c he won't acknowledge that she treats me as an outsider, or maybe he just doesn't care. I had to call the biotch today to find out information on the funeral home so that we could send flowers, she answers the phone as if it were a business call, saying "this is___", when she knows it's me b/c I am in her cell phone, then she is pretty cold at first, saying "fine" when I ask how she's doing, etc and just being very curt. Then she tells me, makes a special point to tell me (I didn't ask) that hubby's sis who lives in the same city as we do, is flying in, but she has to fly out of the far, crappy airport b/c WE TOOK ALL THE REMAINING SEATS FROM [the close airport]. She is implying that since I am going, sis has to fly out of the crappy airport. This is almost worse to me. I am so mad, my hubby told me to "get a grip" and that I was being overly sensitive. He's not going to stand up for me and he probably never will. I'm so sick of this. I'm considering giving my ticket to the sister and staying here. Help!!

HeatherLynn · Gucci

Ahh honey!! Take a deep breath. Okay, now the part that sucks. You are going to go to the funeral and look like your amazing self and have her tell you are overdressed. She probably says this because she is jealous. My initial thought was that your husband was her only son, but since the sister is flying out too that makes my theory wrong. Right now might not be the right time to discuss this with your hubby bc he is probably emotional over the loss of his grandfather. I would just suck it up and deal with everything until after the funeral. Then when you get back home sit down and talk to your hubby. Give him specific examples from the weekend of things that happened and how they make you feel. Remind him that you and him are a team now and you aren't wanting to gang up on his mother, but that he needs to support you and make sure you are comfortable because you had to take on a whole new family and that you would NEVER allow your family to do these things to him.

I hope things get better! Good luck.

alb · Marc Jacobs

Thanks so much heatherlynn! I feel a lot better now. I got some sleep and we were able to talk about it a little more rationally. The problem now is just that he thinks I should stand up to her, and I think as my hubby and as her son he should do it on my behalf. So that is where we disagree. I am going to quit trying to convince him for now, I think he might change his mind later but I'm just going to try to suck it up and do my best to rise above it. The weird thing is--she makes these comments when he is not around, so unless I tell him about it he won't know. then when i tell him he sees it as complaining. so, my solution now is that i am going to make sure that i am not alone with her ever. and if she says something bitchy, I guess i'll just hold it in and wait for him to ask. thanks again for your support--this sucks! i'm waiting now for the cab to come, he is pacing around and i'm on here b/c i jsut want to escape from all this crap.

i don't know if i'll be able to check back b/c hubby doesn't want to bring the laptop and mil is super stingy with her computer. i'll check in when i can though and give an update. thanks!

blink · Coach

I feel cheesy mentioning this, but Dr. Phil almost always says that it is the responsibility of the son or daughter to stand up to their own meddling or difficult parents on behalf of their spouses if the spouses are being treated badly. Maybe after all this grief is over and you are back home, he should read up.

I can't believe she said that about the seats being taken up. I almost don't think that you or your husband can win with her, try your best to ignore it, she has no power in the end anyway. Just be as patient and as kind as you can, she's the one who has to live with herself for being mean in the end.

blubirde · Chanel

I'm popping in on this late, but I hope the weekend went okay, Alb. Your MIL sounds awful and I agreed with everything you said and were feeling. I would have done/felt the same exact things as you did.

I also agree with your gameplan of not being alone with MIL ever. Sounds good. If you need info from her, have your DH call her. If he doesn't want you to complain (how could you keep from being upset though?) then he should deal with her. That's fair, right?

I hope your weekend wasn't terrible!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Hey, I'm popping in on this late too, but wanted to add another supportive voice just the same. I'd have been very aggravated by the MIL and her snarky tactics too. I agree with the other girls that she is trying to maintain some power and closeness with her son, and in a classic bad MIL move, is doing that by trying to alienate you.

I don't know if anyone else has heard of her, but there's a relationship advice columnist for the Washington Post named Carolyn Hax who I love, and she says the same thing Dr. Phil says. The husband needs to protect you in this situation. You're his wife and you come first now. You're a team. When you're back from the funeral and he's calmed down from what had to be a sad weekend, try talking to him again. You should not have to put up with this forever. He needs to be firm with his mother and sooner or later, it will stick, or she'll have to suffer having a worse relationship with her son.

I like Heather Lynn's suggestion of telling him you wouldn't allow your family to treat him that way, and that you need the same courtesy. Is there anything he was sensitive about with your family that you can bring up as an example? Like, "Hubby, remember when you hated how my Dad would always mention my ex boyfriends? I knew it hurt your feelings so I asked him to stop." Something so he'll put himself in your shoes.

alb · Marc Jacobs

Thanks everyone, for the additional support. Lorelei--I love Dr. Phil and have heard him say that about the family as well. If only I can get my hubby to agree with it. Scarlett--thanks for mentioning the Post reporter. I live in the DC area and get the Post so I will definitely check her out. I am really feeling like I need all the help I can get.

The weekend was absolutely horrible. I don't really want to go into it now, b/c it would probably take an hour to type out all the openly hostile and passively agressive things she said and did (and I've already vented to two coworkers about it this morning). if you guys are interested or if I get a break, I may post about it some more later. I really appreciate all the support I have gotten here (to both of my posts)--it has helped me tremendously and I hope to be able to help others in similar situations.

One would think I would be relieved to be home and away from her, but now I am just fuming with bitterness and almost yelled at the Starbucks lady today. I hate how this has affected me (or is it effect, I can't recall and am too lazy to check). Anyway, I'm trying not to let her control my emotions but I just don't know what to do. it really is a touchy subject with hubby. thanks again everyone and I'll post more about it later.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Oh Alb, I'm so sorry the weekend made you feel even worse. If you feel up to going into it later, I am sure you'll have many a sympathetic ear here to listen.

eta: The column in the Post is called Tell Me About It, and it's in the Style section. You can also read past columns at the Post website, and she does a weekly online chat too (search for her on the site and all this stuff should pop up).

-- Edited by scarlett at 16:39, 2006-03-28

mikacat · Coach

alb--

that is ridiculous on her part. she is being so petty and childish--- at least you will be far away from her soon (in Egypt!!)

she just wanted to make sure that your hubby called her so she held off on the important details---

i have had my share of in law issues and moving 750 miles away has been the best thing for our marriage and my sanity.

luckyclover · Dooney & Bourke

I'm still trying to figure out why it was that she was going out with her friends while her husband was at the funeral home coping with the loss of his father? That's just wrong. I agree it sounds like maybe she is jealous of the relationship you have with her son. How sad that she feels she has to treat you like that and I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I agree with blubirde though...let them talk to each other directly and try not to catch yourself alone with her (even on the phone) since that is when she targets you. Don't feel bad about the plane ticket thing. How obnoxious that she won't give you any info on the important stuff and then fills you with crap trying to make you feel guilty on something that shouldn't matter. I think when she was saying all that I would have just come back cheery with "oh that's great that she got a ticket". It seems to annoy people like that when you play dumb like you can't tell they are trying to complain lol. I hope everything ends up working out okay just don't give up!

-- Edited by luckyclover at 00:38, 2006-04-08