STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Turns out I'M the problem...

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you. But I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you wrote that, because that's EXACTLY how I feel. Hopefully some girls on here have some good advice...

blubirde · Chanel

Dizzy, you could be telling my story. When I met the current boy, I was so caught up in the dating world (and highly cynical, too), that I didn't know how to treat someone with the kind of respect and dignity I'd been saying I wanted. And I didn't know how to recognize it until it was beat into my head. We taint ourselves, ya know?

I think the answer is to treat them like you would a friend. If you say you'll call, call. If they're feeling low, bake cupcakes (or whatever - how very unfeminist of me ). When you're talking to that person, don't play games and try as hard as you can to stop being defensive. I personally believe a bit of flirty behavior is defensive behavior warmed over and covered with flowers. Let down your guard a bit and see how that works out for you. Everyone's hesitant to do it because everyone's afraid of getting hurt. Unfortunately, and maybe fortunately, it's the only way to ever enjoy anything substantial.

Good luck, Dizzy!

Mandy · Kate Spade

dizzy, i think you have realized something that a lot of us have a problem with. i know i do. i don't know how to let my guard down or when. im just so scared of doing something thats "too much" or over the top and scaring them off, i do the opposite and act only marginally interested. i know guys need a chase but i think i take it too far. i worry that i have forgotten how to really express intimacy and affection.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Bluebirde - you're brilliant, as always! Why do the simplest things have to be so hard to undestand. Of course, just be his friend. Not his shrink, not his mother, not his ego trip... I could go on. Thanks. That's perfect.

It probably applies to the beginning stages of just casual dating, too. I mean, I wouldn't call back a "friend" who stood me up. Or criticized my weight, or played games. But I've bene known to put up with it from boys... hmmm...

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Dizzy, I know just what you mean. After a while I got to expect guys to be jerks and players, instead of expecting them to be nice. Like if someone asked for my number, while I gave it to him I was already preparing myself for the eventual blow-off. So I got comfortable with canceling on someone late, or not always calling back, etc. The hard part was when I started to really like someone and was nervous about how to let go, and have a good balance in letting go.

Blubirde is right: treat them with the same kindness you would a friend, while seeing if they return that treatment. I really believe that if it's right with someone, it will go very easily at first. All relationships have problems eventually, but I mean at the beginning it shouldn't be confusing or hard. You should just enjoy being with each other. Does that make sense?