STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> general chat -> major life decisions & your family
Post Info TOPIC: major life decisions & your family
honey


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2818
Date:
major life decisions & your family
Permalink Closed

this is part one of a 2 part post. n/s when i'll post the second part...


anyway has anyone ever made a big decision that their family didn't agree with? like major life altering decision assuming there are no real negative repercussions to the decision. how did you prep your family for it? did it matter to you that your family didn't agree/support you?


this is weighing on my mind a lot b/c i have to pick a school soon, and i strongly leaning one way (though i go back & forth constantly). anyway i got an email from a school today saying i got a fellowship covering 1/2 of my tuition. when i called my mom to share the good news she was not happy to put it mildly. she didn't yell or anything, but she was less than thrilled b/c she doesn't want me to go there -- mainly b/c it involves moving across the country. it made me really sad b/c i want my family's blessing (for lack of a better word).



__________________
www.musingsfromamall.com  (my main blog)
http://musingsfromamallinreallife.wordpress.com/ (my personal style blog)
Sandy


Kate Spade

Status: Offline
Posts: 1017
Date:
RE: major life decisions & your family
Permalink Closed

I was going to refrain from posting for a little while (strange drama involving other people using my name), but I had to answer this


honey, I know exactly how you feel. My parents were much less than thrilled to find out what my college plans were. They wanted me to go to one of the universities that accepted me after I graduated. Not knowing any better, I thought that this was the best plan for me... but I was not happy about it. I had no idea what I wanted to do or what I wanted to major in. I just wanted time to think about it, and I thought that time would be wasted if I thought about it while attending one of these schools. I looked into attending the local community college and which credits could later transfer when I decided my plans. I knew that I had to tell my parents that I was going there, but I dreaded the day. They were upset and very unsupportive. They told me that I was selling myself short and that I could do so much better (when in reality, there is absolutely nothing wrong with CC; the courses they offer are just as demanding as those at a four year school) - they were dissappointed, to say the least. I had to deal with this from not only my parents, but from my student counselor, teachers, and advisors. The thing that kept me going was knowing that I made the right choice for me. Unfortuately, it turned out to be the wrong choice, so I had to make another decision...


I was scared to death to tell my parents that I was making the switch from a community college to a *gasp* technical college. I thought that they would disown me or something... if I was "too good" to go to a CC, then what would they think of a technical school? I made sure to heavily research the school and the program that I wanted to major in. I built up a strong argument of why it was the best choice for me and how good the school was. They didn't agree, but they really couldn't argue with me about it. Now that I've been at my school for a little while, they see how happy it makes me, how well I'm doing, and how well it is preparing me for my future. They are totally supportive and encouraging now, and I'm so glad.


I think that you just need to stay true to yourself and go with your instincts. In the end, your family should accept whatever decision makes you happy. You know the best choice for yourself better than anyone else. Also, even if you don't have their blessing on this one, it doesn't mean that they don't wish you well and love you just the same.



-- Edited by Sandy at 21:52, 2006-03-20

__________________
deadlyjane


BCBG

Status: Offline
Posts: 238
Date:
RE: major life decisions & your family
Permalink Closed

I got pregnant at 17 and wouldnt have an abortion. My parents were livid for my whole pregnancy, and didnt tell my grandparents or extended family untill I was almost 8 months along. when they found out they totaly ignored me untill my daughter was born. I had a baby shower thrown for me and my family on my dads side refused to come, and told my mom she should be ashamed of me and why would anyone be happy about it. I just told them to shove it. I am the only person who get to decide about aborting anything in my body and for me I just feel its wrong. They have finaly came around now that shes almost two. but the memories still sting, and i cant look at them the same anymore.

__________________
Lilykind


Hermes

Status: Offline
Posts: 6191
Date:
Permalink Closed

Congrats on the fellowship!


It is tough trying to please everyone, but in the end, it's your life and you are the one who must create your opportunities and experiences. Your family should understand that...I think that once people get used to an idea, they will come around and be supportive.


In my case, my family was against... 


1. Going to college at the age I did. It was my decision because I was tired of HS and was not challenged in the least. My family wanted me to go to an Ivy League level school because they knew I could do it. However, many of the Ivies didn't offer the major I wanted (communcation or cinema/tv) so that wasn't really in my cards anyway. I had to spin the idea into one that would appeal to them as a positive (they would get to brag that their daughter was so smart that she went to college so early...). They were not pleased that I chose to go to such a small school that they had never heard of....But they were even less pleased when...


2. I wanted to move and transfer to another school in another much-larger city to finish undergrad, partially because of my BF who they didn't know about, and partially because I knew I needed to try something different and I was yearning to truly leave the nest and go out on my own. My family was pretty resistant to this because they were afraid of my moving out to a city they had never been to and didn't really know anything about. I had to constantly argue my case over why going to the schools I wanted to transfer to would be the most beneficial for my eventual industry/career choice. I offered a strong case for why moving to the much-larger city would benefit my future and the opportunities I could partake in.


My father has come around and I think he understands my decisions were for the best. As for my mom...I haven't talked to her since August '04.  



__________________
JoceyBaby23


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2744
Date:
Permalink Closed

It is always nice to have your family's support. But if you feel very strongly about making your own decision (whether they agree or not), then just go for it. Afterall, it is your life and only you are going to have to deal with the consequences. Good luck!

__________________
-jocey-
Elle


Hermes

Status: Offline
Posts: 7139
Date:
RE: major life decisions & your family
Permalink Closed

My mother does this too.  Personally, I think it's selfish of them to express their opposition in situations like this.  This is a fabulous opportunity for you to live in a new place and go to a good school and have it partially paid for, and your mom doesn't want you to go because it will be too far away?  Bullshit.  It's understandable that she would want you close to her, but completely selfish that she would even consider trying to guilt you into staying for her benefit.


Honestly, even though I'm sure your mom's opinion means alot to you normally, I think you kind of have to write her off this time - she's got too much self-interest in the decision to offer unbiased advice.  She'll get over it, but if you don't go because it makes her upset, you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life and your entire career could go in a completely different direction.



-- Edited by Elle at 11:08, 2006-03-21

__________________
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}
laken1


Hermes

Status: Offline
Posts: 5600
Date:
RE: major life decisions & your family
Permalink Closed


Elle wrote:
My mother does this too.  Personally, I think it's selfish of them to express their opposition in situations like this.  This is a fabulous opportunity for you to live in a new place and go to a good school and have it partially paid for, and your mom doesn't want you to go because it will be too far away?  Bullshit.  It's understandable that she would want you close to her, but completely selfish that she would even consider trying to guilt you into staying for her benefit.
Honestly, even though I'm sure your mom's opinion means alot to you normally, I think you kind of have to write her off this time - she's got too much bias self-interest in the decision to offer unbiased advice.  She'll get over it, but if you don't go because it makes her upset, you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life and your entire career could go in a completely different direction.


I couldn't have said it better! My mom has been unhappy with tons of decisions I have made & makes her opinion known. We have spent a lot of time in disagreement, but at the end of the day it is my life. Sometimes she has been right, sometimes I am right. You can't limit your experiences & opportunities because your family is short sighted.

Congrats on your fellowship. Do what is best for you.

__________________
Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay? - Roger the Alien from American Dad
blubirde


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 4845
Date:
Permalink Closed

My mom has always told me I wouldn't like it if I moved to NYC or some such place because it's so far from home. She's not the reason I haven't moved to those places, but that's always been in the back of my mind when it's come to making big decisions on schools. So I've always chosen the safe route. I don't regret any of my choices because everything has worked out for the best, at least I think it has. BUT I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I'd gone to school in NYC or Boston instead of Texas. I love it here and I'm happy but it's one of those things I'll always wonder about.


And here's the thing. If you move somewhere far away from your family for school, it's a temporary move. Who knows where you'll end up? If school is 3 years long, you could be right back in your homebase at the end of that 3 years. I say go for it, regardless of your family's support or not. It's your life and you have to live it with no regrets. You'll just end up resenting your family if you do things you don't want to do because of them. I know it's important to have their support, but don't you think they'll come around? If their choices are accept it and keep a relationship with you or don't accept it and sacrifice a relationship?


Btw, congrats on the fellowship! That's awesome!



__________________
http://dailypointers.blogspot.com/
shopgirl82


Chanel

Status: Offline
Posts: 3197
Date:
Permalink Closed

 


i was in the same situation when i was looking at schools.  my older brother only looked at schools in our home state.  when i looked at schools, i didn't look at one school that wasn't less than five hours away.  i just knew that i had to go somewhere and experience a different part of the country.  for my mom, it was a blow against her.  she took it personal.  she thought i would meet some east coast boy, fall in love, and never come home.  she reached into her pocketbook to keep me home.  but i knew that i would look back and be disappointed in myself if i didn't go, and even worse, possibly resent her. 


for me, part of going to college was learning things about myself, and becoming more of an independent person.  i can't even tell you how much i learned from moving far away from my comfort zone.  i think that was a more valuable experience than going to college.  i was tested so much my freshman year, a couple deaths of loved ones occurred, i got sick and was in the hospital, etc... there were so many things that i had to overcome by myself, that it really made me gain so much confidence.  i figured if i could handle those things by myself, i could handle anything (i know that sounds so cliche, but when you're so far away, those things seem like HUGE deals). 


i am definitely the person i am today because of it.  now i'm a lot closer to home and have 1/2 my family less than one mile away from me.  i look at it as four years that i needed for myself, to develop as an individual.  i think you should go for it, for you, so you never look back and think what if....most likely, you'll gain so much more than just an education and you'll have no regrets. 


oh, and after i got into the school i decided on, i got a huge scholarship....so i looked at it as something that was meant to be...it sounds like it's meant to be for you too. 



__________________
"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
esquiress


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2053
Date:
Permalink Closed

ok first thing we have to remember is that no matter what, you can't go wrong.


you got into a great school in NYC.


you got into a great school in LA.


i can understand why your mom wants you to go to the one in NYC.  after all, it means you won't be moving far away and let's not forget that it's also higher ranked than the LA school (although not by much, right?).


i can also understand why you want to go to the LA school.  because hey, LA people rock (and we're oh so modest too ) and there's the potential to have so.much.fun. here.


try this:


make a list of pros and cons.  and break it up by definite pros vs. indefinite pros and definite cons vs. indefinite cons.


this decision is tough, it's a great decision to have to make but it's still tough.  just try to remember that there's not going to be an optimal perfect choice and that you can't really go wrong.


also, for the record, i don't think your mom's being selfish.  she just wants what's best for you and is afraid you might be lured by the glitz of LA when it's your future on the line.  besides you know that if anyone's been your rock during this whole process, it's been your mom.  so try not to be too hard on her.  also, lucky for her she's got a brilliant daughter who at the end of the day, will be fine no matter what.


p.s.  if you want me to delete this post because i gave away too much info (tried not to but don't know how well i succeeded), just pm me. good luck!



__________________
dot


Marc Jacobs

Status: Offline
Posts: 2362
Date:
Permalink Closed

esquiress basically said exactly what i was thinking.. don't get yourself wrong both situations are good things. i think your mom may be having a hard time dealing with the idea of you possibly being so far away, and because they are both great schools in her mind and she may see that since the schools are the same she can't understand why you would want to be in a location away from her. i think if the far away school is really where your heart is, then go out there and i think your mom in time will come to see that. maybe right now she's acting out of emotion and not using her head.

but being in nyc for school provides a lot of advantages. i know you mentioned interest in investment banking... and seriously where are there more investment banker per sq. inch than nyc? but like esquiress says maybe a list will help you visualize things more clearly. i would try to leave emotional things off that list and just stick to the facts like "fellowship" or "more internship possibilities" etc.. that way you can feel like your judgement isn't affected by emotions.

but whatever you decide i know your mom will be really proud of you! and i am too! :)

__________________
honey


Gucci

Status: Offline
Posts: 2818
Date:
Permalink Closed

thanks for the advice girls, i appreciate it a lot.  i think i just got really sad yesterday b/c my mom was so unexcited about the fellowship, which kind of hurt of my feelings. 


esquiress -- you didn't give too much away. i'm just trying to hold off on making a list (and posting it here) until i go to my other admit weekend.


anyway i'm going to try not to stress about this until i really have to make a decision. easier said than done...



__________________
www.musingsfromamall.com  (my main blog)
http://musingsfromamallinreallife.wordpress.com/ (my personal style blog)
jacL


Coach

Status: Offline
Posts: 1862
Date:
Permalink Closed

Well, you are living for yourself and have to do what you feel is best for you.  I can see why your mom wasn't happy about you moving, but do you think she will come around and see that this may make you happy? 


Personally, I had the chance to move across the country and didn't do it because I didn't want to be so far away from my family.  But I think you should do it if you are okay with that.  I moved only a few hours away (to a different state) and when I made my decision my mom was not happy at all but she supported me and eventually she came to realize that it was a good thing for me.  I hope your mom does the same for you, but even if she doesn't, you have to do what is best for you. 


If you are really torn, I like the idea of listing the pros and cons. 


Good luck!



__________________
~Jaclyn
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
stylethread site home page -> stylethread forum -> general chat -> major life decisions & your family
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard