STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

FashionPrincess · Hermes

RE: What to do when your family calls you fat? (long)

NCshopper · Hermes

Hey Maddie, I think you did the right thing. Your email was perfect--very well worded, and it got the point across very effectively and IMO a really mature way that I don't know I'd be capable of. And it sounds like your mom is sorry and understands why she screwed up. The Chinese meditation thing is pretty funny, but I think overall it sounds like she's sorry.

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. That really really sucks.

manhattanmonkey · Kenneth Cole

Oh my gosh.

I just got in on all this and that is awful.

Maddie, you and I are about the same size it appears and I don't think I'm an unhealthy weight at all.

That response from your mom is priceless, and sounds like something that could have come from my mom.

I think it was shello that said she would have proved you could fit in those pants without losing weight and taken the money just to make a point, and that's what I was originally thinking, but I think you're idea is beter.

Hermes

Maddie wrote:

Her response (And why I'm going to write a book. Chinese meditation? WTF?)... I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, and I never met to imply something I don't believe. I just thought it would make you happy. I heard from Pat you were okay with it, and I know how you like money for all your travel so I unfortunately decided to do the same. I'm sorry, sorry. Pat is self conscious about her weight and as you know has a pretty weird relationship with food, as evidenced by how she is always feeding us. She wants us all to eat since she can't and that also carries over with weight. Like Pat I probably, too, don't have a very healthy relationship with food, which like Pat may make me a crazy on the subject, too. I love you and just want you to be happy and well-adjusted (even with a Mom who did something she should have never done). I'm glad I started my Chinese meditation this week, as I need something to help me deal with of how much I've messed up in the motherhood department yet again. Please let us put this behind us. Love, Mom

her e-mail is a completely nonsensical brain fuck.

ugh - I would be so frustrated if I were you. I deal with this kind of stuff with my mother all the time - her most recent suggestion is that I have plastic surgery done on my eyes (she even did me the favor of talking to a doctor about it for me) - I guess I don't even have a face a mother can love.

I feel for ya, babe. the thing that sucks is that it's a fight not worth fighting - you're stuck with her and holding a grudge doesn't help matters. All you can do is see her in a different light...

atlgirl · Gucci

I can't even imagine this scenario occurring between my mother and me. She's not perfect (and of course, neither am I), but OMG Maddie, I am so sorry about your mom and aunt and how they've treated you. I have never seen what you look like (that I can recall) but based on your H/W, you are by no means fat. You are nowhere *near* fat. And I can't even believe how out of line your aunt was, and your own mother?! What the hell was she thinking?

If your mom wanted to give you money for travel, she could have just *given* it. This whole thing is very manipulative and I hope you can recognize that - some people just have to feel in control of certain situations and unfortunately your loved ones made you a pawn. :(

I'm glad you e-mailed her, and sorry she gave you such a crap response, but at least she apologized...not that it excuses the behavior in the first place. I hope you are able to get past this and look at yourself objectively and know that you are healthy. And smart. And funny. And so much more. Which we all know from your posts here!

And

detroit, OMG again! What is wrong with *your* mom?? You are lovely - I think you are very pretty. And of course so much more than that - funny, whip-smart, caring...perhaps your mom needs brain surgery to be able to see the real you. Of course I don't really mean that, but she's just as bad as Maddie's mom. I'm so sorry she does this to you. Sometimes those closest to us are least able to see us clearly, and it sounds like that's the case with your mom. I hope that you, too, are able to rise above that and love yourself for the wonderful person you are.

jen · Kate Spade

Why are Moms so weird like this? My friends mom offered her any new Coach bag if she lost more weight than her in a 3 month period. Isn't it crazy that society is like this? Maddie, I'm amazed with you for holding your ground. Such a comment would probably make me fall apart. You're an outstanding person and you're e-mail back to her was 100% everything you should have said.

bumblebee · Coach

maddie, i think your e-mail was perfect and right on point without escalating things. i think your mom's reply was actually really okay--it sounds like she is at least slightly self-aware in that she so readily admitted that she was wrong and was sorry. if this had happened in my family, my mom would have turned it around and screamed at me about how she was only trying to make sure that i was happy (by weighing what she deemed acceptable, even if i didn't want to) and how ungrateful i was to turn down such a fantastic and generous "gift." she cannot ever be wrong for any reason whatsoever. so you have that going for you!

blubirde · Chanel

Maddie - wow. Your mom and aunt are real pieces of work, aren't they? I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with their crap. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Just because you're not 5'4 and 100 pounds does not make you without. I think if I were you, I would have first, lost it and had a fit, second, insisted that Pat send me the pants and take pictures of them fitting (or maybe being too big), third, insisted on the $1000, and fourth, told them all to fuck off. Of course, there's no sense in playing their games but I'm spiteful like that.

Listen, bottom line, you rock and parents are f*cked up sometimes. (Okay, a lot of times.) Like detroit said, you can't change them. I think your email was perfect and your mother's response was an attempt at manipulation, at best. But, to her credit, at least she apologized and she probably doesn't even realize how manipulative she can be. (My mom refuses to apologize for anything, at all. Ever.) I hope you don't let her words hang around in your head. You have much more important thoughts to fill that beautiful head of yours up with.

detroit - Do we have the same mother? My mother, at least twice a year starts insisting I have liposuction. She pinches my ass and thighs and says things like, "a little surgery could take care of that." Of course she's also told me (obviously not accepting my single girl status at the time) that it would be okay if I brought a woman home - uh, great Mom. Glad to see you're so open-minded. Guess what? I'm not a lesbian! I would think my boyfriends over the years, although not at the current time she was having the discussion with me, would have shown her that. She also told me this past summer that I need to see a therapist because she was certain I wasn't over my old boyfriend. My old boyfriend of 3+ years ago! The one who is now a woman! (Not that she knows that. Imagine what horrible gender-bending questions and assumptions I'd be subjected to then!!)

Thank god I learned to tune her out years ago. I love my mother for her wonderful qualities but her bad ones? Doozies. I hope I don't inherit them...

bumblebee · Coach

blubirde, that's the scariest part about this whole thing with mothers, and what i was thinking about as i read maddie's story. i kind of hope that if i have children, i have boys, because i am terrified that the crazy mom-monster would somehow come out in me and i would do the same thing to my daughter about food/weight that my mom did to me--like somehow it would be uncontrollable.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

O.M.G.

NCshopper · Hermes

ILoveChoo wrote:

O.M.G.

Ditto.

I cannot believe these stories!!!

luckylily · Gucci

bumblebee wrote:

maddie, i think your e-mail was perfect and right on point without escalating things. i think your mom's reply was actually really okay--it sounds like she is at least slightly self-aware in that she so readily admitted that she was wrong and was sorry. if this had happened in my family, my mom would have turned it around and screamed at me about how she was only trying to make sure that i was happy (by weighing what she deemed acceptable, even if i didn't want to) and how ungrateful i was to turn down such a fantastic and generous "gift." she cannot ever be wrong for any reason whatsoever. so you have that going for you!

I agree w/ bumblebee. The response email was kind of a load of crap, but she did acknowledge that she made a mistake. My Mom would call me crying, play the "you know they don't make a handbook for raising children" card, then tell me how ungrateful I am, all in an effort to make ME feel guilty.

Maddie · Coach

It's shocking to hear all your stories! WTF are moms thinking? I can't imagine saying those things to anyone!

So she wrote me another email which was pretty much just a sob story about how hard her life is. It is good that she admitted she was wrong but that didn't surprise me. I'm so horrified that some of your moms wouldn't!

I wrote her a pretty mean email back but I decided I didn't care. I feel like she deserves to know exactly how I feel about this...

The thing is that while I appreciate your apology on some level, that's not really what this is about. If you want to give someone a gift to make them happy you do so without strings attatched. If you have ulterior motives you attatch strings. It's now out there, regardless of whether you're sorry or not, that this was something you were so excited about you wanted to chip in $500 (on top of the $500 Pat was already giving me). So you're right, this was about you and what you want, not about what would be best for me. Although if I was writing an apology letter I'd leave my issues out it. But I would never be in a position to be writing an apology letter about something like this in the first place.

This isn't really something I can forgive you for, I just wish it had never happened. However since it did I have would rather just never talk about it again so in that sense I guess it's over. Hopefully you've learned something, not just about me but in general.

As for Pat, I'm not mad at her as I understand exactly why she did it although I think it was one of the most offensive things anyone has ever said to me. Anyone I've mentioned this to has been completely horrified and I don't get why someone would think it was appropriate. I have no idea what I will say to her, but I don't want an apology or anything I just want it to be over.

So there it is. Oh well. I'm much calmer about it now than I was yesterday. Thanks everyone!

bumblebee · Coach

i feel like i want you to treat yourself to something really nice that will make you feel good this weekend. like go see a movie you've been wanting to see or take a bubble bath or something. maybe that would help. i'm sorry you're going through this, maddie.

laken1 · Hermes

I don't have time to read all the responses & I am sure when i do it will spur further outrage from me (as in the YEAH YEAH, that - what she said kind) - it's no big secret that I have similar issues with my mom. I'd send an email & tell them both to pay up since you are at a "healthy weight" and could fit in those "perfect" pants if you wanted to humilate yourself! What bitches. I'm so sorry Maddie! I have big tears in my eyes & can't even imagine how hurt you are. I don't even know what else to say......

-- Edited by laken1 at 08:42, 2006-03-04

Hedvig · Coach

Maddie, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have to deal with such hurtful and outrageously rude behavior. Your emails to your mother were spot-on; she does deserve to know exactly how badly she hurt your feelings! It was simply inexcusable!

Ally S · Kate Spade

I'm so sorry this happened, I would follow Esquiress's advice and send a similiar email. You are perefectly fine and healthy and beautiful so don't let her bring you down. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

If you ever write the Sedaris type book I will be at your book signing!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Holy crap, I am blown away by your story, Maddie, and the other stories about horrible mother/daughter situations. I am so impressed by your response to your mother. You conveyed your justifiable hurt and anger, and you did so with maturity and strength and you said exactly what you were thinking. It takes guts to do that with a parent. I don't understand why any parent or relative would feel like it's okay to do something like that! Maybe you should offer them $500 each if they'll learn to keep their mouths shut.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

Holy crap, I am blown away by your story, Maddie, and the other stories about horrible mother/daughter situations. I am so impressed by your response to your mother. You conveyed your justifiable hurt and anger, and you did so with maturity and strength and you said exactly what you were thinking. It takes guts to do that with a parent. I don't understand why any parent or relative would feel like it's okay to do something like that! Maybe you should offer them $500 each if they'll learn to keep their mouths shut.

HA--I totally agree. So sorry you had to put up with such monstrous behavior from both of them, but I think you handled it really well. I'm still sort of in shock that your mother and aunt could do something so hurtful and so inappropriate.

luckyclover · Dooney & Bourke

Wow. That is a horrible thing to do to you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think I would have just told her then "I can fit into them already I don't know where you got the idea I can't?" Seriously you should tell them how hurtful that was. I would start with your mom since the whole thing was probably a misunderstanding from her end. Maybe she would talk to your aunt for you so it wouldn't be so awkward. I know a lot of people who are size 8/10 I don't consider that fat. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself not for your family.