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Post Info TOPIC: What to do when your family calls you fat? (long)
Maddie


Coach

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What to do when your family calls you fat? (long)
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I'm in a super uncomfortable situation.

On my birthday my aunt (who has always struggled with her weight) calls me to say "Happy Birthday" and that she has a proposition. She tells me that she has a pair of size 10 pants she can't fit into and she bets I can't either. She says if I can fit into them by this summer she'll give me $500. She's also going to try to lose weight and we'll both try the pants in question on this summer. She tells me we have the fat genes in the family and then goes on to name other family members with the "fat genes." All of whom (or do I use "who" here? grammar police?) are about 300 pounds. Literally.

I was polite but horrified on the phone and then immediately started crying once I hung up. First of all, I'm 5'9", 150 lbs, and an 8/10. So I could fit into those pants right now. Sorry I look so fat. Also, while I'm obviously not happy with my weight, I find it so horrifying that she would assume I was trying to lose weight. It just makes me think, wow, am I really that fat? It was one of the most hurtful and humiliating moments of my life. I had hoped to just forget it ever happened and not worry about it until this summer when I see her.

Then I get this email from my mom today...

Pat mentioned to me that you have an arrangement going about weight (I will not mention it to your sister or your Dad). I have had some experience with not being happy with my weight (Is anybody ever happy with their weight?). Pat may not remember this, but after my freshman year of college I gained ten pounds--too much pizza and beer and too many ice cream sandwiches.
But enough of that, I, too, will add $500 dollars to the pot if you get down to the healthy weight/size Pat identified, as weight does not tell the whole story, as muscle weighs more. For Pat, I'll just buy her ticket to the Westminster show next year.
Good luck to both of you (I hope the cake is gone!)

I obviously have a lot of problems with this email. First, I’m sorry my mom gained ten pounds when she was 18. But don’t say that shit to me. She’s always been really thin (as has the rest of my immediate family). Second, a “healthy weight”? It’s hurtful that she would imply that I’m at an unhealthy weight. While I’m not super thin I normally wouldn’t even really describe myself as overweight. And the cake comment (referring to a cake she sent me for my birthday) just seems rude.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never talked to either of them really about being uncomfortable with my weight and I’m just so hurt by this. I took a shower for like an hour today so I could cry without my roommate. I’ve essentially been told they’ll pay me $1000 to lose weight. I don’t know how to respond to my mom’s email and I really just want this all to go away. I don’t really want to talk to them about it because I just find it so humiliating and I don’t want it to keep going or act like I’m into it because that is also humiliating. What should I do?


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Metric


Gucci

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Wow. That is truly brutal. I don't even know what to say.


My mother has implied that I'm gaining weight on many occasions. Little things like slapping my bum and saying "looks like you're getting a big butt!" but they're still hurtful. Her mother does it to her, as she does to me. Nice inheritance, huh?


I can't even imagine what you're going through, Maddie. I'm so sorry. My first instinct would be to tell them both to go f*ck themselves, you're perfect the way you are...but that's probably not the most effective or mature thing to do.


I'm so sorry Maddie, I like you just the way you are (((hug))).



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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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Oh. My. God.


I can't believe your mom and aunt would say such things to you... and honestly, to pay you to lose weight.... how manipulative is that!!


Have they ever said things like this before?  Do the two of them tend to team up on you regarding other aspects of your life (career choices, people you're dating, etc.)?


150 is a fine weight for someone your height, as far as I know.  In fact, I just checked a BMI calculator online, and it says you are 100% "normal."  Here's the site: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/calc-bmi.htm


I would just tell them both thanks for the offer, but you're not interested.  The end.


Grrrrr!!!



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theotherjess


Chanel

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OMG that's just awful.  You sound perfectly normal for your height.  They probably didn't realize how you would take it but that's no excuse and just seems rude. 

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Bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika. We all could use more of it. It's no taste I'm against. -Diana Vreeland
bumblebee


Coach

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omg, i am so sorry.  this story is like one that you read in a book of collected "horrifying family stories."  hopefully someday it will be good for a laugh, but for now...jeez.  horrible.  i'm so sorry this is happening to you.


the worst is that she called on your birthday and ruined it!


my mom has struggled with her weight her whole life and basically created a body-image nightmare with me, by telling me that i was fat and policing every morsel that went into my body until i finally moved away from home.  i was fairly often underweight, and at most, at the thin end of healthy for that entire time (18 years).  she did succeed in making me extremely ashamed of my body, however, and in making sure that i always feel like a giant cow, no matter how thin i ever get.  i offer that as assurance that mothers' distorted views of their daughters' "fat" has absolutely no basis in reality.  it's about something else (usually control issues).  please please know that.  at 5'9, 150 lbs., you sound like you are well within a healthy range for your height. 


but the point is, even if you weren't, it is YOUR business and yours ALONE how to feel/think/be with your own body.  it's not anyone else's prerogative to tell you what you should want/be/look like.  that is way easier to say than to live, but it's true. 


as for what to do, i think i would find a way to tell your aunt that you aren't interested.  even if you really want the money, you will feel like her show-pony and she will have "won."  obviously your mom and your aunt have talked about this behind your back and think they've come up with a winning plan.  i am kind of at a loss for how you should explain it to them, but they need to know how deeply this hurts you and how very very offensive it is.  even if their hearts were in the right place when concocting this ridiculous plan, and it sounds like they were, it's so inappropriate and so hurtful. 


(((hug))) to you. 


 



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Lilykind


Hermes

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I agree with Eurodaisy...say you're not interested and end it at that. They're family and I'm sure their intentions are best though the methods are not so much so. I am soooo sorry.


I can't believe your aunt has such a horrible approach to weight loss...like it's a competition and paying you to become thinner.  Maybe that's a jumpstart for people on the The Biggest Loser, but you're clearly not where they are. I think you're at a healthy weight. In the pics you've shown, you look really great.


I know the feeling. My mom gave me shit about my weight for ten years before I learned to (mostly) shut her off. She didn't realize that I wasn't built like her, but more like all the women on my dad's side of the fam (less dainty, more muscular). Even now that I'm a healthier size that I was when living at home, I know my Mom will CONTINUE to give me crap until I'm at a near anorexic weight.


 



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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holy sh*t.  that is truly horrifying and you have every right to be upset, i seriously want to strangle them both on your behalf right now.  first of all, you're not even fat.  second, if you were it would be none of their business.


here's my first reactionary email to your mom, i may decide against it later but here goes:


dear mom,


i am really trying hard to forgive you right now because you are my mother and i want to believe your "offer" was not intended to offend me.  however, i must tell you that i am horrified by your behavior as well as deeply hurt.  i would think that you would be aware that body image is an extremely personal subject and that you really have no place "betting" on what my body should look like.  it's my body and i like the way i look.  i'm sorry you don't.  and i'm even sorrier you felt the need to bribe me into trying to fit into some warped view of what you think i should look like.  also, for your information, i AM at a healthy weight for my height.  as for Aunt [whatever her name is] if she feels unhappy with her weight, that is her business and i wish her luck in getting to wherever she wants to be but i also find her "bet" to be in extremely poor taste.  The only reason I didn't tell her as much over the phone is because i was too shocked to do so.  In the future, i would appreciate it if you would not discuss my weight or what you think my weight should be with anyone.  i honestly don't know if i will ever be able to forget the pain that you have inflicted upon me by your thoughtless and insensitive email.


your daughter,


maddie


_________


as i was writing, i was getting even more fired up so i don't know if you should send anything like what i wrote or not.  i am so so so sorry maddie.  please know that we love you for the beautiful and extremely bright young woman you are.



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bumblebee


Coach

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it's been bugging me and i figured it out--this is totally a david sedaris story!  this is something that would be in one of his books. 

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small fry


Chanel

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Maddie I am sorry ((((((((((((((((((((hugs to you)))))))))))))))))))))I am not sure what to say   except  that is very rude and cruel.  Remember we are here when you need to talk.  


 

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Maddie


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Thanks so much everyone. It really is good to be validated that I'm not over reacting.

esquiress...I think your email is not too harsh at all. There really is no such thing as "too harsh" with my mother.

bumblebee...I have often thought I could write a David Sedaris-esque book about my mom! She is seriously insane.

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bumblebee


Coach

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you should!  i think he is the funniest person alive.  the best is when he reads his stories out loud on NPR--something about his voice and inflection makes them even funnier.  i was sitting in my car one day crying from laughing so hard at the story of when he went to summer camp in greece with his sister and wouldn't go #2 at the camp out of embarrassment for like a month. 

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luckylily


Gucci

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holy crap in a crap basket!  i'm so frickin pissed off about this. 


maddie - you are absolutely not fat!  i think you already know that, but i just needed to reiterate.  i know this is painful and uncomfortable, but i don't think you should let this one slide.  i would follow shaiza's advise and write an email to your mom and aunt telling them how hurtful and rude they've been.  you don't make bets or bribes on someone else's health, it just isn't right.


 



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honey


Gucci

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(hugs) that totally sucks... i know how moms can be when it comes to weight, my mom used to be on my ass about my weight for a really long time. it used to drive me crazy, and it was so hurtful. i *knew* that it was coming from a place of love, but that didn't change the fact that it sucked and made me feel really shitty. pretty much the only thing she accomplished was giving me a distorted body image. thanks mom.


she's stopped now, since i lost weight (she had nothing to do with it) but i'm still conscious of it when i'm around her, and very careful to wear fitted clothing lest she start up again. nothing ruins my day more than unsolicited comments about my weight.


adding to the chorus, you are not fat! and anyone who thinks so has way too many issues for me to even get into. i agree with esquiress and luckylily. you just have to realize that they are trying to deal with their own issues by placing them on you. (hugs) again. 



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lynnie


Chanel

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First off, you're totally fine and healthy.  I think a lot of parents for some reason don't want their kids to gain weight- i have no idea why.  My mom used to say that to me when I was a fresh/soph in college and about 10 lbs heavier than i am now (about 140 lbs, 5'6", and a 6- certainly not fat.)  Is there any way you could tell them that you think you look fine, but you'll take them up on their challenge?  If you already fit into those pants...there's $1000.  Sorry if that is a bad way of looking at it, but i'd take the money and run, even if it wouldn't exactly prove anything.  I guess i've just come to accept that parents are always harsh/critical/weird with their children certain times, and strangely delusional/blind/forgiving at other times. 



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Hermes

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I just want to say that I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and that you do not deserve it AT ALL.  Mothers/family don't realize how damaging criticism of physical appearance can be.  These are people who should love you unconditionally... 

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NCshopper


Hermes

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As I was reading what all transpired, my immediate thoughts are to email them both and be brutally honest with them.  Tell them exactly how shitty they were and how bad it hurt your feelings and how it's not any of their business.  Just like esquiress's letter, but I'd actually even be harsher because I think the situation totally warrants it.


I'm so sorry that they both said that to you.  I can't imagine why they would think it's okay to say that to you or to even talk about it amongst themselves.  I think you have every right to be totally offended and are totally justified in doing whatever feels right to you to let them know they were both totally out of line.



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Maddie


Coach

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So I sent my mom this email...

I think that phone conversation was one of the most hurtful and humiliating moments of my life. Imagine someone calling you out of the blue telling you they will pay you to lose weight. Just think about what that implies. And then receiving an e-mail reiterating it. I realize it probably wasn’t either of your intentions to completely devastate me but I don’t really see how unsolicited negative comments about another person’s body could have any other effect. While I would obviously love $1000 in another context I can’t put a price on my humiliation. It hurts me that you could. I would suggest you instead write a check to this organization…
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/
I didn’t say anything to Pat because I was so shocked and didn’t want to embarrass her or be rude. I would appreciate if you didn’t either and I’ll figure out some way to handle it on my own.

And bumblebee...I have all his CDs! I think he's so amazing.

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I couldn't answer this because I had to go eat a bunch of ice cream - wow! Maddie I'm so sorry they're giving you such a hard time... this is really hurtful. Esquiress's letter sounds perfect, though. Big hugs sweetie!!!! You hang in there babe!

I just realized this sounded randomn - I meant I had to go stuff something in my face because that's the reaction I would be having if someone treated me like this... Y'all, I wouldnt' stop eating for a week... I think you handled this really welll, and you deserve a medal for putting up with your crazy family....

-- Edited by Dizzy at 14:59, 2006-03-03

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Shello


Kenneth Cole

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I hate to admit this, but if it were me, I'd definitely be as upset as you but then I'd probably accept and not do anything at all to lose weight since you know the pants would fit you, and then just take the $1000. Their fault for thinking you couldn't, right?

I know that's the immature side of me going "You think I can't do something so I'll prove you wrong" - but it's an awful lot of money and I'd hope they'd lay off of you after that.

I'm sure this probably doesn't help, but I have a lot of friends whose mothers are the same way and try to "change" their build. One of my friends is very athletic and is a black belt in tae kwon do and was a varsity track runner in high school, and her mother always tells her she's overweight when there's not an ounce of fat on her anywhere - just muscle. Another one of my friends is very petite and probably underweight actually, but her sister is a stick so her mother will at times refuse to feed her and yell at her about her "control" problems. It's so ridiculous. So you're not alone!

I'm so sorry, I really know it would devastate me if I was in that situation. I'm soooooo glad though that you have enough confidence to know that they're wrong and to post about it here. I would probably just assume they were right and be too embarassed to mention it to anyone, which could obviously lead to eating disorders and things like that. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world when dealing with them!

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Maddie


Coach

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Her response (And why I'm going to write a book. Chinese meditation? WTF?)...

I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, and I never met to imply
something I don't believe. I just thought it would make you happy. I heard
from Pat you were okay with it, and I know how you like money for all your
travel so I unfortunately decided to do the same. I'm sorry, sorry. Pat is
self conscious about her weight and as you know has a pretty weird
relationship with food, as evidenced by how she is always feeding us. She
wants us all to eat since she can't and that also carries over with weight.
Like Pat I probably, too, don't have a very healthy relationship with food,
which like Pat may make me a crazy on the subject, too.

I love you and just want you to be happy and well-adjusted (even with a Mom
who did something she should have never done). I'm glad I started my Chinese
meditation this week, as I need something to help me deal with of how much
I've messed up in the motherhood department yet again. Please let us put
this behind us.

Love,
Mom

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