STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bumblebee · Coach

work vent

member · Hermes

I'm so so sorry you have to deal w/such a jerk like this. I actually was an assistant to a guy who treated me the same way. He would belittle me, blame me for everything and yell at me. He used to make me cry (not in front of him, in the bathroom). It was awful. I couldn't take it and after 6 mos of working for him, I requested to meet with him. So I sat down w/him and told him that I wasn't happy w/the way he treated me and I didn't deserve it, etc. He changed for about a month and then went back to his old ways. The final straw was one time I threw a surprise 40th bday party for him and he screamed at me in front of his entire staff for throwing him a party when he had so much work to do. His boss was even there. No one could believe it. I tried telling him again that I wasn't going to deal w/his shit. So then I went out and starting looking for different jobs. I actually lucked out and got a job working for his boss! That was total slap in his face.

Is there anyway you can sit down w/this guy and tell him that he's not treating you properly? Or, even get your HR rep involved. Maybe to sit in on the discussion. I told my HR person and they documented everything. I would definitely talk to him. Maybe try 1-1 w/him first, if it doesn't improve or he has a bad reaction, involve HR or even his manager.

Good luck and if you ever need to PM me - I can relate!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Talking to this guy isn't going to make a difference. He's, what, 50 years old? If he hasn't learned to play well with others by now, it isn't because he's been waiting for a 20-something to set him straight.

Trust me, I know how this feels. I worked for the devil for five years, my mother is the devil, my ex was no picnic, and I'm now in law school, where people like this who feel that they haven't been sufficiently appreciated in real life come to become, in their view, even more impressive so they can finally get the awe and respect they crave...

That's the trick, though, that's all these people want - respect and awe WHICH CAN BE FAKED AND THEY DON"T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Here's a primer:

Why you are upset: 1) You believe, on some level, that what he says is an actual representation of what he thinks of you. It's not. He doesn't think about you anymore than a two-year-old thinks of his mommy. Does mommy have an advanced degree? Who cares, Mommy is not giving me cheerios which I want RIGHT NOW so mommy sucks... 2) It's disorienting to deal with someone who has no actual ties to reality. To avoid the cognitive overload that this type causes, you have to remind yourself that the common thread is "I want attention and to be right 100 percent of the time." Obviously, this need is not going to be satisfied by reality, so they move to la-la land. Where the asshole is king and all others are incompetent minions unable to provide cheerios as demanded. 3) No one likes being yelled at. We associate it with unpleasant consequences. The thing is, this guy has no consequences. It's just the yelling. He won't remember it in 20 minutes, and he won't do anything about what he's yelled about because that would be a hassle.

Who he is: a two-year-old. This means 1) Treat him like a toddler who hasn't had a nap. Don't reason with him - he can't follow you. Don't punish him - it will just frustrate him further and make him meaner. Just sweetly remind him of the unpleasant consequences of what he thinks he wants and give him the opportunity to make choices. If he freezes up under the pressure, just decide for him and tell him he was smart to make that decision. Remember, he is always trying to be the smartest person in the room, and sometimes this means he can't decide which course of action will lead to NO CENSURE WHATSOEVER so he leaves you hanging... Also, reality means nothing to him. So you could basically give him credity for the taj mahal and he'd happily accept.

What you can get away with: just about anything. The one and only thing this guy wants is respect, which he translates into compliments. And he has no understanding or appreciation of reality anyway. So just compliment him for doing what you want, and then do what you want. When he starts yelling, smile and say you're so happy to have the opporutnity to work with him - he WILL NOT UNDERSTAND SARCASM. It's the greatest, most powerful feelign in teh world when you realize this emperor really has no clothes, knows it, and needs you desperately in order to perpetuate the fraud.

Hang in there, and try not to feel too bad. Oh, and give up thoughts of revenge. This guy is so out of it he'll never know, and pissing him off is a bad strategy. This is the type of person who will, say, run over your puppy because you refused to agree his souffle was the best. The insult matters so much to him that he doesn't see a disparity between the two situations - does that make sense?

bumblebee · Coach

thanks, dizzy--you always have such good insight on this stuff.

he is actually 38, i don't know if that makes a difference. he's totally a big whiny child. and you are right, it's absolutely about being right and being respected--no matter what the cost and no matter if it's untethered from the reality of the situation. i have understood this for some time, but once in a while i just get so frustrated with it that i can't deal.

FWIW, he has already apologized and tried to make nice, but i'm still seething. he knows that he can't get through his day if i'm sabotaging him, because he is so needy, so he tries to get back in my good graces. it's a very weird dynamic. i do tend to manage him in a similar way to what you describe, but i am the only one who understands that i am driving the bus.

PS--if i am being very honest, part of why it gets so overwhelming is my own frustration and anger that i am still doing this ridiculous job that is so far below my potential, and the fact that i feel my brain atrophying on a daily basis, but i can't figure out what i really want to do with my life, so i'm just killing time here collecting my paychecks until it hits me.

the fact that i can so clearly see all of this maybe points to the fact that i really should pursue finishing up my masters in psych and being a therapist. lol

-- Edited by bumblebee at 15:17, 2006-03-01