STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

jj · Kate Spade

RE: Bride and groom requesting gift cards???

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

Drew wrote:

I'm really not trying to argue, I just want to debate this topic, so please noone see any anger or beligerence (sp?) in my posts. Starstuff, I would like to counter your point by saying that the same argument could be made for a couple that had registered. A handmade anything isn't going to be on a registry and so one might have the same perception of cheapness by making something instead of giving something on a registry.

No argument, just honest discussion I guess the point I was trying to make was that money has a definite value -- if I give $100 as a present, no-one will think the gift has any other value than $100. But, I feel the same thing can be said of something given off the registry... the B&G select the goods on the registry, and they know the dollar amount of each item, so the gift can become a stand-in for a money gift. Of course someone could perceive a hand-made gift as 'cheap', and I don't doubt that they are sometimes given for such a reason.

It's been my experience that the B&G *aren't* asked what they want for their wedding. That is the point of the registry, as well as one of the functions of the maid of honor. When my relatives asked my mother about gifts (who was their go-to source for info since they didn't know my MOH), she had no qualms about saying that we had all the stuff we need, and we would like money. Tacky? YES, but I think the point is that it wasn't stated directly by the B&G. It is splitting hairs, I suppose, but it helps people save face, so I guess it serves it's purpose.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Starstuff, you put that extremely well!

I'm not writing this in a belligerant or argumentative frame of mind. This is kind of a high-emotion issue, so I wanted to preface my remarks with that. Technically, no one is required to give someone a wedding gift, although it is a welcome and warm gesture of goodwill towards the newly married couple. I don't think registry information, or any gift information, belongs on a wedding invitation. That's information that should be provided when asked for.

Asking for gift cards, even when approached with the question of where are you registered, is still tacky. Like Starstuff said, it can put the giver in an uncomfortable position of being judged by the dollar amount on the GC. And as it's basically a request for cash, the implied message is "we just want your money, we don't want a gift that you picked out and thought we would enjoy." If people are at a point in their lives where they don't technically "need" anything because they've gotten established enough already, then asking for cash is plain greedy. FWIW, I also think honeymoon registries are tacky. People should have the weddings and honeymoons they can afford, and not make guests feel beholden to pay for it.

-- Edited by scarlett at 17:59, 2006-02-27

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

Drew, in response to your questions...

In my mind, the main issue here is that the bride and groom's gift request is printed right on the invite, it's like saying, "don't even think about attending this event that you're invited to without a present." I feel the same way about people who print "registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond" or whatever on their invite. Personally, I don't have any problem with people wanting or asking for money, but it should be spread by word of mouth. They should tell their wedding party (if they have one) and their parents that if anyone asks, they are saving for a house/trying to get out of debt/getting ready for a baby/donating to charity and what they would really like is money. I do not consider that to be in poor taste. The idea that people won't know what to do if it isn't printed on the invite is silly. People live in the world, they go to weddings, they know how to find registries or find out what the couple wants. And if they choose not to put forth that effort, or if they don't know anyone to ask (they could even ask the couple personally - it's not rude to say what you want if asked directly), or just want to give a handmade gift or whatever, they have every right to do so within the realm of "good etiquette." It's just the way the message is conveyed in this case that irks me. And maybe it is petty to not give them what they want, but I don't like to condone such flagrant "holding out of their hands" as detroit put it.

As for registries being just as bad, I disagree. I don't see it as a big "gimme" list so much as a guide to what they need, don't already have, what goes with the things they do already have, etc. Some people like to give china as a wedding gift, but without registries, people could end up with 25 place settings of 25 different patterns. Or the couple could already have a great coffeemaker, and so there isn't one on the registry, implying that they don't need it. Etc. It helps those guests who don't know the couples tastes or needs. I mean, sure there are gonna be things the couple doesn't "need" but it just helps give people an idea of what they like and use.

I think this is exactly the situation that registries help avoid:

Drew said: I feel like people (at least me) would rather have nothing than something I don't want. While the thought is always nice it can be a pain to try to find a use for something you don't like, and can be equally a pain to return something (esp. if you only get credit at a store you don't shop at).

And to address the idea of honeymoon registries or people wanting money to cover the cost of their wedding, I know that some people (particularly older people, in my experience at least) do have a problem with this situation. It can be perceived as being greedy in a different sense. I think some people are of the frame of mind that 'I'm not sending you on a two-week luxury vacation/paying for your extravagant wedding when a $50 courthouse wedding accomplishes the same thing.' A sort of, have the wedding/honeymoon you can afford and don't ask others to support your luxury lifestyle in the guise of a gift. To be clear, I'm not saying I agree with this, but I know some people who do have this attitude.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

I also think honeymoon registries are tacky. People should have the weddings and honeymoons they can afford, and not make guests feel beholden to pay for it. --

i actually love honeymoon registries. ive always bought honeymoon stuff instead of wedding stuff. for instance... my sister got married this last july and had the stupidest stuff on her registry. most of the items on her (many) different registries were for her enjoyment only...there were very few items that she and her new husband would enjoy together or for him personally. now, this has a lot to do with who my sister is as a person and won't carry over for every body but its still a valid point. honeymoon registry gifts are often things that people will cherish and remember for thier entire lives, that toaster might only last two years. imo, memories are always better than objects, and honeymoon registries have more memory making things on them than other stuff. my sister went to some place in the caribbean and my (other) sister and i split the cost of day trip on a sailboat/small yacht thingie. this day trip included snorkeling, sailing instructions, and lunch, and i know that this day out on the ocean will be something that they remember for the rest of thier lives.

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

relrel wrote:

imo, memories are always better than objects, and honeymoon registries have more memory making things on them than other stuff. my sister went to some place in the caribbean and my (other) sister and i split the cost of day trip on a sailboat/small yacht thingie. this day trip included snorkeling, sailing instructions, and lunch, and i know that this day out on the ocean will be something that they remember for the rest of thier lives.

i just want to add to this, that i wholeheartedly agree, and i think the idea of calling up the hotel where the b&g are staying on their honeymoon and having wine delivered to their room, or getting a GC for a restaurant where they're going is great, BUT my maid of honor had a honeymoon registry, and it had things like this on it, "day trip snorkeling," "breakfast in bed," "champagne at sunset," whatever...but the way it was set up was a dollar amount was assigned to each item, and that dollar amount was deposited into an account that credited their travel agent's bill for hotel and airfare. as far as i know, they never had "breakfast in bed" or "champagne at sunset," just the money reduced the amount they paid for their accommodations...for what that's worth...

shopgirl82 · Chanel

let me say that while i will choose not register for gifts, i don't have any problems with it AT ALL. some guidance is much appreciated. the only proble i have with registries is when people take advantage of it (there are certain items, that i have mentioned before, and will not bring up now that i don't think are appropriate).

i think the whole reason that people have a problem with the money thing, is the way this couple handled it, by listing it on their invitation. it definitely gives the vibe that don't bother coming unless you cover the cost of your dinner. i think it's mildly acceptable, to say, if asked, "while, any gift you decide on would be much appreciated, on the top of our wishlist is money, since we plan on purchasing a home soon" or something like that. but only if asked.

drew-if someone asks for money, i don't have any control over MY GIFT. for all i know, they could use it for a gambling addiction, drug addiction, etc.. (i know that's taking it a bit far).

scarlett, the reason i like the honeymoon registries is because i can see where my money goes and i am helping create memories.

valenciana- i agree. i think you are definitely treading water with the older generations asking for honeymoon funds (at least my grandparents might have a problem with this).

check out this website: www.thebigday.com you can then click on real registries. i think it's nice to know that you are providing a couple the means to make some amazing memories.

ETA: some of the items on the honeymoon registries are ridiculous like bathing suits, etc..., but such things at a moonlight dinner on the beach, etc...i think that's really sweet.

-- Edited by shopgirl82 at 18:37, 2006-02-27

shopgirl82 · Chanel

relrel wrote:

actually love honeymoon registries. ive always bought honeymoon stuff instead of wedding stuff. for instance... my sister got married this last july and had the stupidest stuff on her registry. most of the items on her (many) different registries were for her enjoyment only...there were very few items that she and her new husband would enjoy together or for him personally. now, this has a lot to do with who my sister is as a person and won't carry over for every body but its still a valid point. honeymoon registry gifts are often things that people will cherish and remember for thier entire lives, that toaster might only last two years. imo, memories are always better than objects, and honeymoon registries have more memory making things on them than other stuff. my sister went to some place in the caribbean and my (other) sister and i split the cost of day trip on a sailboat/small yacht thingie. this day trip included snorkeling, sailing instructions, and lunch, and i know that this day out on the ocean will be something that they remember for the rest of thier lives.

we were posting at the same time. i agree. i always choose this gift option too.

Drew · Gucci

Ok, I thought you all were focusing on the request for gift cards specifically, and I understand why one might get a little miffed by something like that, but I felt like you all were really getting worked up about it. I guess I misunderstood, because now it seems like you all were really just upset about the request on the invite. Totally understandable; as I said in my original post, I think that is wrong. Noone should ever expect anything from anyone, let alone expecting a gift and putting it right on the invite. I just brushed over that because I thought the real topic was the gift card issue, but like I said that seems to be the smaller point now.

Thanks for all the responses, ladies.

Cricket · Gucci

Oh, yeah, Drew. I see what you were thinking. Personally, I would have loved to receive gift cards at our wedding! But, it IS only that they put it on the invite that bothers me. It wouldn't be a VISA gift card, but I think you can register for gift cards when you register at Target, PB, etc. Maybe you could register and then not put anything on the registry but gift cards? Older people might not understand what that meant, but I would.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Now that I've read more about these honeymoon registries I think I misunderstood what they were. I had thought they were just asking for cash to help pay for the honeymoon. But if it's doing something like getting them something they need for the honeymoon, or arranging for a couple's massage or something like that, then I can definitely see the appeal.

Cortney1982 · Chanel

They printed the request on the invite? For my wedding, I would keep an invite as a keepsake, who would want to pull it out and see the part about asking for cash? I would only ask for cash from family, not lost aquaintances. Requests for gift cards, registries, etc, I would put have printed on something like business cards and send them along with the invites. Requests for cash or gift registry items would be sent to people I know very well, and for other people I would not ask for anything nor expect anything.