STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bumblebee · Coach

just curious...

Metric · Gucci

Right now one of my oldest friends is dating his best friend. His ex was always insanely jealous of her and when they broke up, it just seemed natural for them to be togeather. They make a great couple.

But I am really wary of what happens to the friendship if they break up? Obviously it can never be the same as it was and there might be some really hurt feelings when the other person moves on. Is it worth risking the friendship? Or possibly not being with the love of your life/soulmate/whatever b/c you are too worried about losing your good friend? Its really hard.

member · Hermes

This is just my experience, but I dated a really good friend of mine years ago. I knew him practically my whole life growing up, he was my buddy and then we got together. Now don't get me wrong, there were probably other things in the mix that made things end badly, but when we broke up, things got ugly and we have never been the same since. We tried to be friends afterwards but it was just too weird and there were too many hurt feelings. We don't even speak anymore. It's sort of sad, but oh well. That being said, I do think it's good to be friends w/someone before you date, but that's different. I was "just friends" w/my BF now for a couple of months, but I think we knew it would lead to something romantic.

I know that a lot of times people date good friends and it turns out to be the love of their life. It just didn't work out for me. HTH!

bumblebee · Coach

Metric wrote:

Right now one of my oldest friends is dating his best friend. His ex was always insanely jealous of her and when they broke up, it just seemed natural for them to be togeather. They make a great couple. But I am really wary of what happens to the friendship if they break up? Obviously it can never be the same as it was and there might be some really hurt feelings when the other person moves on. Is it worth risking the friendship? Or possibly not being with the love of your life/soulmate/whatever b/c you are too worried about losing your good friend? Its really hard.

anyway, thank you for both of your responses.

-- Edited by bumblebee at 20:40, 2006-03-02

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

one of my relationships started this way, and it ended after a few months with me feeling claustrophobic and smothered and not romantically/sexually interested in him anymore. I think it was because I had never really felt that spark of attraction with him, and only started dating him because I was really lonely and he paid me a lot of attention and made me feel loved. I thought the spark had appeared but in retrospect what I was really feeling were the effects of a long dry spell. But that's only my experience...

kenzie · Chanel

My relationship with Stupid started this way. He was my best friend for a few years before we dated. It would have been great if it had worked out (but it didn't and who knows if it really ever will), but right now, my the hurt in my heart is doubled b/c not only did I lose someone I love, I lost my best friend as well. We can try to be friends, but it's never, ever going to be the same as it was before and that just makes me so sad. Once you cross that line, you can't go back.

It's great when it works. It's extra heartbreaking when it doesn't.

-- Edited by NylaBelle at 22:44, 2006-02-21

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I've had two experiences with this, and had different outcomes. With one I thought I was in love with the guy, and after a drunken hook-up one night, was heartbroken when he didn't want to date me after all. We are still friends, but not nearly as close as we used to be, partly because I was hurt by how he handled the situation (refused to discuss it for a while and acted strange around me, which he eventually apologized for) and also for how I've seen him treat girls since. With my other friend who I dated, it actually couldn't have ended better. We had a great time, and I knew all along he would be moving away in a few months. No hard feelings at all, and we are still friends. I've met his now wife and there is no weirdness.

The way I look at it, the potential could outweigh the risks, but definitely think hard about how you feel about this person. Have you talked with him about it? Are you attracted to him physically?

-- Edited by scarlett at 23:29, 2006-02-21

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i had a crap experience with this.

there was a guy (S) that was one of the first people i met when i moved to SC for school. we became instant friends. we were both seeing other people. i started dating a guy my senior year (M) and continued until about 4 years ago. so that made S and i friends for almost 7 years. M and i had one of those crazy college relationships that was on and off. when i finally broke up with M, S sent me flowers saying that he was happy he could finally confess his true feelings for me. we dated for a few months, and i just wasn't good. we both realized that we made a mistake. there was nothing bad about the realtionship, i just felt wrong. now, every once in a while we bump into each other and it's still weird. there still is this weird tension in the air everytime i see him. we are both getting married and i kind of wish that he could be on my guest list.

Christine · Coach

I've been with my bf for 8 years now, and we were best friends for 2 years before we started dating. So I'm a good example of someone who believes that a good friend can actually be your soulmate if you take a chance. I was so worried when I first realized I liked him, because I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship, so I spent a long time hiding the way I felt. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and told him how I felt - turns out he felt the same way about me. For me, it was never weird or awkward making that transition from friend to boyfriend. I agree that dating good friends doesn't work out for everyone, but it definitely worked for me and I'm so glad I took that initial risk! If you don't give the relationship a shot, then you'll never know!

flknight24 · Dooney & Bourke

My boyfriend of 4 years (we've lived together for 2) and I were good friends growing-up, we went to middle school and high school together. Then, we both went to different colleges and kept in touch through mutual friends. We weren't close while we were in college and we both dated other people but we ran into each other a few times and would end up hanging out. Then after we both graduated from college we were living in different cities and ended up out together, again with mutual friends, and that particular night we just sort of clicked and we've been together ever since. I think we were always attracted to each other and that night the timing just worked out. For me, being with a friend has been great. I love that we know so much about each other's families, friends, and pasts. I think it's made our relationship really strong. That said, if we ever broke up I can't see us going back to being "friends". At this point he's my best friend but he's also my bf and the bf relationship has overshadowed any platonic friendship we may have had. But, that might not have been the case if we stopped seeing each other after a few months. I think we could have been friends again then but now, I think the length and intensity of our relationship wouldn't allow it. So, I guess I'm saying that I think the amount of time you date the friend and the level or intensity of the relationship is what might determine whether or not you can go back to being friends.

bumblebee · Coach

-- Edited by bumblebee at 20:40, 2006-03-02

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

bumblebee wrote:

one time about two years ago, there was an episode like the law school ones dizzy describes, where he was like "i've always wanted to see what it would be like to date you" or some such, and tried to make out with me (he was extremely drunk). i was weirded out by that and squirmed away, and then there was some weirdness/avoidance for like a month, after which things went back to exactly how they always were.

so anyway, now he is doing what he always does with his recent ex, which is going back and forth endlessly about maybe getting back together with her, maybe not. she's totally wrong for him (my own feelings aside) and borderline crazy, and i keep trying to tactfully give advice when he calls all the time asking what he should do about her.

He sounds immature and like he doesnt' have much to offer, but I guess I could be wrong. So do what you want, but my vote is keep fishin' for a better one...

bumblebee · Coach

-- Edited by bumblebee at 15:37, 2006-03-02

-- Edited by bumblebee at 20:41, 2006-03-02