STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

tara t · Marc Jacobs

one-upper friend

NCshopper · Hermes

I have a few friends who get super competitive about weird stuff too. One friend used to be comepetitive about how many hours she'd study for whatever test she had the next day. Another friend has to be the one with the new car and the new LV bag, etc. etc.

For the most part, I have always just let them win. I just don't care that she studied longer than I did or that my other friend has a newer car. Big deal. It's hard not to get sucked into it with them, but I just have to remind myself that whatever their deal is just to let them win at it.

If you want to say something to her about it, that's fine, but I doubt she'll change. If it really bugs you, then it might feel good to get it off your chest, but if not, I'd let it go.

jj · Kate Spade

YES. I have two actually. One was a close friend, and her one-upness stemmed from a lot of insecurity. She always had to be skinnier, have a better handbag, be a better friend, etc....that I finally phased her out because it was getting to be too much. It was really extreme, and I knew I couldn't change her. I was tired of avoided ways to engage in this strange competition.

I am not that close to the other girl - she is a good friend's new fiance. She always has to one-up everyone else's story. Since they are getting married, and will be around for the long haul, my solution has been to cut off her stories, start talking to someone else or ask another question of the group to divert the conversation. It may sound rude, but the alternative is to let her go on and on for days. And it seems to be working, because she is not trying to dominate the conversation like she did

In both cases, it is definitely an insecurity issue. If your friend is like mine, you could smile and ignore it or try to talk to her about it. But I think insecurity is a tough issue, and adressing her one-upness may make her freak out.

I hope this is somewhat helpful!

calico · Kenneth Cole

The comment NCshopper made about her friend and the constant competition for studying for a particular test really hit home for me. I have a friend exactly like that, and to make it worse, we are in all of the same classes too (plus she wants to be a doctor and that's all she talks about and she always talking about med school etc... I mean I want to be a pediatrician, but I don't talk about it all the time and we're only in our first year for goodness sakes!)

I just got of mid-term week and for the past couple of weeks everything has been piling on, and of course, this friend is constantly saying "Oh I'm so worried about such and such so I was at the library from 10-8 on Saturday" or "Have you done such and such?" "Have you started studying for blah blah blah?"

I mean as if university isn't stressful enough... like I need someone constantly comparing themselves to me and thus causing me to compare myself to her. GAAAH. My mom says I may have to put her in the "toxic" friend category...

I guess to me these types of girls probably are just really insecure... and the best thing you can do is ignore it... or try to say something really politely, and maybe, depending on the person they will actually get it. Or you could just cut off ties completely.

Finally in conclusion to this long reply... I will leave you with this... on Wednesday I had two mid terms (and one on Thursday) all of which my friend had too. I studied for about 3 or 4 hours for each one the night before, and I got the satisfaction of getting an A+ (higher than my friend) even though she studied for "soooo long". It's bad to be happy that I beat her specifically, but she just drives me nuts!!

PS sorry for the rant

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

These kinds of friendships can really be toxic...reading these posts, I wondered if a good strategy would actually be to one-up them yourselves a couple times and see if it helps? Like if someone says "How long did you study? I was in the library for 10 straight hours!" then you say "Oh my God, I was there for 20 hours!" And be sincere and have a smile on your face. Just an idea.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

These kinds of friendships can really be toxic...reading these posts, I wondered if a good strategy would actually be to one-up them yourselves a couple times and see if it helps? Like if someone says "How long did you study? I was in the library for 10 straight hours!" then you say "Oh my God, I was there for 20 hours!" And be sincere and have a smile on your face. Just an idea.

I love this! I've been going the other way at school "You studied 10 hours? I can't even remember what the inside of the library looks like," it amuses me but it's giving me a slacker rep b/c lawyers in training don't seem too able to read sarcasm. I'm trying this next...

member · Hermes

Oh god, I have one. Funny that you posted this, because I was just telling my BF about her. She used to be my best friend, but slowly over the years, I've started to phase her out. We used to talk every day and hang out every weekend. Now she's lucky if I see her once every few months and we rarely talk on the phone. We shoot eachother an ocassional email and IM at work sometimes, but that's about it. I used to let her one upping ways get to me, but I wasn't very secure w/myself. Now that I'm older and happy w/myself, I just let her win, because I don't care. We actually just had a conversation about Valentines Day and this is how it went: Her: So what did B get you for V-day? Me: oh a dozen pink and white carnations, a beautiful card, etc, Her: Yeah S got me 2 dozen flowers that he delivered to my work, can you believe it? Oh and a card that made me ball for like 2 hours and a mix tape. Whatever - if it makes her feel better, it's just sad. I actually feel bad for her because she's so insecure.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

Dizzy wrote:

I've been going the other way at school "You studied 10 hours? I can't even remember what the inside of the library looks like," it amuses me but it's giving me a slacker rep b/c lawyers in training don't seem too able to read sarcasm. I'm trying this next...

Dizzy - this is totally the way I would function too. Slacker attitude just shows that those trivial things you could care less to compete about. It kinda puts an end to one-upping if you go down. :P

tara t · Marc Jacobs

i let her one up last night because it was her birthday. i think the slacker attitude will work best with this girl.

but she ask me what brand my wedding dress was, and i said, "i haven't even started looking" she said, "well the one that i wanted was vera wang, but i ended up buying at davids bridal"

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Even though I suggested kind of one-upping her earlier, generally I do what you did and allow the person to "win." That wedding dress comment reminds me of a friend who about 4 years ago asked me a few times if I would get a Vera Wang dress when I got married, and when I needed a new pair of shoes she kept urging me to buy Manolo Blahniks. Every time either suggestion was made I'd say either a) it's way too soon for me to know what kind of dress I'd buy, and b) both of those brands are most likely too expensive for me. But she was really stuck on it, and it felt like almost a one-upping me by telling me what I should buy.

NCshopper · Hermes

scarlett wrote:

Even though I suggested kind of one-upping her earlier, generally I do what you did and allow the person to "win." That wedding dress comment reminds me of a friend who about 4 years ago asked me a few times if I would get a Vera Wang dress when I got married, and when I needed a new pair of shoes she kept urging me to buy Manolo Blahniks. Every time either suggestion was made I'd say either a) it's way too soon for me to know what kind of dress I'd buy, and b) both of those brands are most likely too expensive for me. But she was really stuck on it, and it felt like almost a one-upping me by telling me what I should buy.

Oh, it's definitely a passive-aggressive form of one-upping! Absolutely! My friend is like this too. Even with something like makeup brushes, she'll say something like "Oh, you should definitely buy Trish McEvoy brushes. They're the only kind I use and they're the best." While it seems helpful, it's not and it's not meant to be helpful. It's meant to imply that any other brand would be way inferior to what she'd buy. Same thing w/ the Vera Wang and Manolos--what she's really trying to do is one up you subtly by implying that's what she'd buy and she would never settle for anything less and anything other than Vera and Manolo are clearly less. It's silly and just petty.

blink · Coach

well, I am kind of confrontational in a passive and sarcastic way. I would probably shoot her a look, say, are you serious? and just generally think of something that says, wow, you are trying SO hard. I like the slacker attitude.