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Post Info TOPIC: Staying at home vs. working at a job
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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RE: Staying at home vs. working at a job
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bumblebee wrote:
yeah, i don't totally agree with the idea that we are obligated to have outside-the-home jobs now, just because the previous generation fought so hard for us to have the right to work.  i think what they were fighting for was our right to choose whether or not we wanted to work outside our homes.  if we now feel that we have to work because otherwise we would be subverting feminism's gains, then we're still oppressed and still powerless to choose, it's just turned upside down. 
i do think that the "power mom" having-it-all thing in the 80s really screwed some things up for us.  that seems to me like the start of the struggle between having a job and being a mother/homemaker.  it suddenly became not enough to do one or the other, and now i think it's much harder for women to choose, because they are inevitably held to a standard that is near impossible to meet.  if you choose to have a career, you have to bust yourself when you get home to show that you aren't neglecting your home/children/husband, whatever.  and if you focus on those things, some people will say that you aren't being ambitious enough if you don't have a "real" job.  i think it sucks that women have gotten themselves stuck in this trap, but i don't think much is going to change until our country (and the prevailing customs within it) cut us some slack and/or give us some support (like more part-time work options, child-care subsidies, etc. like in other countries).  ok, norma rae stepping down from soapbox now. 


bumblebee, I completely agree! You expressed that perfectly.

This topic has been on my mind lately, and I want to be sure I express this accurately. I'm in grad school full-time after working, both in the summers during college, and then for the 5 years after graduating and then going back to school. The idea that we are fulfilled or defined by our jobs, or that we are obligated to work because of past generations strugggles for equal rights, troubles me. We are more than our jobs, just as we are all more than someone's girlfriend, or mother, or wife. Our identities are multi-faceted.

My mother stopped working after I was born and never went back, while my dad was a workaholic who eventually became CEO of the company he works for, with the financial benefits that come with that kind of job. He grew up poor and decided at a young age that he wanted to make money, to put it bluntly. From the outside it looks like my parents have it made, but there were many times he was very unhappy, or close to being fired depending on office politics, and he's told me more than once that he regrets missing so much with my brother and me. He also didn't get paid adequately until pretty late in the game, and while we were taken care of, we didn't have a lot while I was growing up.

I'm grateful I have my dad's career as an example. He's accomplished more than he ever dreamed he would, and can retire someday being proud of that, but it took a great deal of luck to get him to this place. Without luck, he'd have been screwed, and likely embittered by spending so much of his time working towards a non-existent reward. (By reward, I mean both financial security and also the respect that you earn among peers and in one's community at large.) At the end of a life, I don't think someone looks back and says "I wish I'd spent more time in the office."

I'm also grateful for my mom's example. She's very smart and had her own ambitions, but she decided to sacrifice that in order to raise kids the way they agreed was best for them. I consider my mom one of my best friends and think she did a wonderful job. And without her, there's no way my dad could have done as well in his career, and he's the first one to say that. Being a SAHM mom is a job too.

The reason I explained all this is to give background to why I feel less inclined to devote myself more to a career than to my outside of work life. I've always done very well professionally, and know that when I return to work I'll continue to do so. Chances are I'll have to be the breadwinner, as my BF's career as an artist may very well not be lucrative (few are, after all). But at the same time I love being domestic: cooking, doing laundry, etc. It's a difficult choice and I don't think anyone gets through life without compromising on their vision of how it was going to be.

I had a job for three years that made me miserable -- it sounded cool and had a glamour factor, and paid well, but was kind of like the office portrayed in "The Devil Wears Prada," if you've read that. And I was stressed out all the time, and under pressure to spend a lot of money on clothes, and I wasted a big chunk of my salary on that (my fault). They definitely treated you better if you were dressed better. It sucked.

I think this dream of "having it all" actually does us a disservice as women. We have this pressure, both self-imposed and in cultural myth, to be kick-ass in our careers, and whip up delicious meals after work, have perfect homes, raise ideal kids, and then be sex goddesses at the end of the evening.

ETA: Ideally, I'd want to stay home after having kids until they started school, and then work part time. After I get out of school and start working again I'm going to try to save as much money as possible.



-- Edited by scarlett at 13:11, 2006-02-16

-- Edited by scarlett at 13:32, 2006-02-16

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Karina


Chanel

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i finally had time to read through the other responses, and i was very interested to see what others had to say.  as you all know, i am a working mom of 2.  when i was pregnant with christian, i desperately wanted to stay home.  not because i didn't like to work (although i am NOT a morning person ), but because I was absolutely terrified of sending him to daycare.  we started interviewing daycare facilities, and i found something wrong with each one.  finally, i found a woman in our area who did daycare from her home, and i sent christian there.  after a month, i fired her.  i picked christian up after work one day, and he was wearing another little boy's clothing.  i asked her mother in law (who would also watch the children if the other woman had to step out) why my son was wearing the other child's clothes, and she said she didn't know.  i was furious, and told them this would be the last day they took care of my baby.  after much deliberation with my parents, we decided my mother would stay with christian, as she was a SAHM already, and it has worked out wonderfully thus far.


my mother used to work for barclays bank in NYC's financial district and all throughout the 80s after i was born, and we had the ideal life.  my father was a chef in manhattan, and we lived on the upper east side.  my mother sent me to the best schools, bought me the best clothing, and was always there for me after work, and on the weekends.  i have no bad memories of those days.  after my mother got pregnant with my siblings (twins!), we moved to new jersey, because my father opened up his own restaurant, and they bought a house.  my mother had to quit her job, because her pregnancy was high risk and was on bedrest in the hospital for 7 months, and wasn't going to return to work, because my father was not willing to pay daycare costs for my 2 brothers. 


my mother was always a great support system, and it was a great feeling to walk in from school, and see my mom cooking a hot pot of chicken soup for us, to warm us up from the cold walk from school.  however, my mother lost a lot of herself, and she regrets staying home now.  she loved being there for us, but she now hates that we all have our own separate lives, and she has nothing, in a sense.  thankfully, my children brighten up her day, but i'm sure she'd still like to have adult time, and she could have probably had that if she continued to work.


it was never an option for me to stay home with my children.  vinny does not make near enough money as i do, which is okay.  i like working.  i like being able to contribute to my household, and give myself and my children everything that we need.  i wish i could stay home at times, just so i could be there for my children and keep my home, but if i had the luxury of choosing whether i wanted to work, or stay home, at this point in my life - i would choose working.


my best friend has been a stay at home mother for 3 years, and although she loves being with her children, she hates that she has lost herself and whenever she returns to the working world, she will have to start from scratch.


(sorry this was so long!)



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jah


Dooney & Bourke

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This is such an interesting subject.  I often feel like the "black sheep" in my family and with my friends because I am so driven by stress and pressure that I enjoy working and start to feel empty when I'm away from my desk, office, e-mail...


My sister was an elementary school teacher and decided to quit that job to stay at home with her kids.  My mother owned a salon, but quit that to stay home with my brother, sister and I until I reached Junior High. 


I, on the other hand, have a crazy job, work 7 days a week and generally have a timecard that records 80+ hours. 


All of this being said, I'm the youngest, my father owns a business and has always pushed me to "get out there".  I think that shaped my personality.  Being successful in business, and having the power, prestige, salary, perks, etc. that come with it have been my career priorities from a young age, whereas my sister's priority was always to have happy children.  I don't think either goal is better than the other. 


My sister is fulfilled by her children, her husband and the job that she does every day (which is damn tough!).  I'm fulfilled by a job that I love and that makes me excited every single day to get up.  It's true that I will probably have a nice cat when I'm 70 while she will have her husband, children and 10 grandchildren, but that's okay, because I think I will have memories that make me just as happy as the memories my sister will have.  They will just be very different...but then again, so are our personalities.    



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